The Saturday List #504 - We don't live in America! 20 differences between the British and our American cousins

The False Dots just released our brand new album, We don't live in America. We released it on Independence day (July 4th), celebrating the parting of the ways. It was also released in the middle of the World Cup in America. Donald Trump announced that it was the best world cup ever. Well it was if you like cheating, hugely expensive seats, hydration breaks, half time shows, games played in excuciating heat and delays due to thunderstorms. 

The title track lists 20 differences beyween us and our beloved cousins - The bit in Red italics is my notes to explain

1. We don’t have a president with big big cars - When you see the head of state on state business, he's in a horse drawn carriage. The US President has a nuclear bomb proof car and an entourage. Mind you, we tend to try and assassinate our head of states less frequently. 

2. We don’t have a flag which has any stars - People often forget that the Union Jack celebrates the Christian history of the UK, with the crosses of St George, St Andrew and St Patrick. I once wound up a US fundamentalist colleague who was sounding off, by pointing out the US flag contained fifty pentagrams, which are symbols of the occult, whilst the UK flag was clearly Christian. He got extremely upset, but he had been spouting rubbish in the pub for twenty minutes, so I wasn't too concerned. I also wound up a National Front supporter in the 1980's by congratulating him on his celebration of Ireland and St Patrick by waving the Union Jack. The poor sausage did not realise what the flag meant! 

3. We don’t fry villains in Electric chair! - Well this is pretty self explanatory. The UK realised in the 1960's that Capital punishment does not stop murderers. The US disagrees, but if you look at the relative murder rates, it is pretty hard to argue that they are right.

4. We’re not allowed guns and we don’t care - A big difference. The Americans believe that having a gun keeps them safe. The number of school shootings, the murder rate and the fact that people feel the need to have a gun, to me shows that we've got this one right.

5. We call all our mates something rude - Having worked for several American companies and having an American brother in law and having travelled extensively in America, I notice that they do not have the British habit of calling people rude names when you like them. An American I knew once asked me how the British actually knew if they liked each other. I replied that when we don't like each other we are generally extremely polite and avoid each other. When this doesn't work, we smack each other in the gob. Because we don't have guns, this is usually the end of the matter. Often after Gobs have been smacked, we the achieve a state of mutual respect, although in my childrens generation this descent into casual violence is frowned upon. 

6. We love a cup of tea to wash down food - Americans simply do not get tea. They don't have decent tea. They don't heat the water properly. They don't put proper milk in it. If you ask for tea, they give you sub optimal options, that do not include PG Tips. No wonder they don't drink the stuff. 

7. We knock back beers with indecent hurry - Americans have a strange relationship with alcohol. Most of the Anglophile Yanks I know have a love of British Beer and the way we quaff it back. Like their tea, the major American brwers make undrinkable slop. There are great US microbreweries. In the US, car culture means that people don't get the bus or train, so they tend not to get bladdered with their mates and stagger home.

8. And have three more with a Ruby Murrey - For those who don't know, a Ruby Murray is cockney rhyming slang for a curry. I have had curries in America and some have been OK, but you would not find a restaurant like the Mill Hill Tandoori, with the local Rugby club knocking back beers and eating the hotest Vindaloo

9. Restaurant portions aren’t that big - When you go to US restaurants, the  portions are enormous. I am someone who likes their food, but when you get a plate with so much food that you couldn't possibly eat it, to me it is offputting and seems vulgar. You simply do not get UK restaurants that serve 16oz steaks as the regular portion. 

10. But then again we're not greedy pigs - The British are quite happy with moderately sized portions. We want the right amount of food on our plate, not so much that we need a 'doggy bag'. My wife moans if portions are too big!

11. Chips are something we eat with fish - If you ask for chips in America, you get crisps. They call chips 'French Fries'. Generally they are not proper chips either. They are the McDonalds style things,thin and covered in salt. A big bugbear of mine is that you cannot get malt vinegar in most US restaurants. Anyone who is sane knows that malt vinegar with salt is the only proper accompanyment for chips (unless you are in Brussels, when you have mayonaisse and mussels). 

12. Roast beef dinner is our national dish - When I wrote this I realised that I didn't know what the US national dish is. So I asked AI. This is the response "The United States has no official national dish, though the hamburger, hot dog, and apple pie are widely seen as the top unofficial symbols of American food." - Can you imagine anything sadder?

13. We drink warm beer, kick round footballs - An American colleague visiting London for the first time was excited to try British ale. I took him to The Fitzroy on Charlotte Street, a Sam Smiths pub and got him a pint of bitter. He almost gagged as it was warm and tasted like bitter. He decided to stick to cold lager. As to footballs, even Donald Trump acknowledged that American Football is a misnomer. Footballs should be kicked and to do that effectively, it requires a round football. 

14. We love the proms at the Albert Hall - I love the electric proms. It is put together by the BBC, an organisation the American right despise. The Albert Hall was commissioned by Queen Victoria as a Palace for the people to mourn her dead husband. Trump is giving America the Whitehouse Dancehall to entertain his mates. 

15. Liz was the boss, now we’ve got a King - My sympathies have always been republican. You cannot defend a hereditary monarchy. And then along comes Trump and you wish that Queen Elizabeth II was the perfect head of state. As for Charles, I am warming to him.

16. He wears a crown and genuine Bling -  Our monarchs do bling properly. I get the feel Trump is jealous. He'd like a big gold crown, the biglyiest crown ever!

17. We moan at the bus stop in the rain - The British do public transport. The Yanks don't. When Margaret Thatcher stated that any man over 35 on a bus was a failure, I realised she was out of touch. She clearly had never got the bus to the pub for a few sherbets with her mates. She'd clearly spent too much times with Americans. We also love a good moan about the weather. 

18. And dream of a holiday over in Spain - Less than half of the US population have a passport and I don't think I've ever met a single Yank in Benidorm. Having been to Florida and California, I concede that they have fine beaches. I discussed this with a Yank and he extolled the beaches and the surfing. I explained that most people who go to Benidorm or Ibaz don't go to the beach, they spend the time getting bling drunk, stoned and trying to have illicit sex with strangers. He was horrified. Of course, when I go to Spain, I go with the missus and soak up the culture! 

19. If you want a ciggie it’s an oily rag!  - More rhyming slang. When I wrote the song, I was initially drawing attention to the fact that the common slang for s cigarette in the UK is a Fag, which is a derogatory term for a gay person in America. I realised this might seem offensive, so I used the term oily rag. I have no idea what a Texan would do if you asked the if they had a spare oily rag. 

20 .When you see the Queen she don’t wear drag - In the UK, if you mentioned the word Queen, we'd think of Elizabeth. In America they think of things like Ru Paul's drag race. It is a linguistic difference that intrigues me, as Elizabeth dressed very modestly, except when doing official roles. When Liz used to bling up and open Parliament, no one could compete! I used to work with a US music producer, who was a cross dresser. Dennis was a wonderful chap. He told me that he got to see the Queen at a function once. He said he was really disappointed that she was dressed in completely normal attire. 

You can see The False Dots launch the album at The Dublin Castle on Sunday 23rd August from 2pm CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

The Saturday List #502 - Thirteen ways I've been blessed with good luck!

 When it comes down to it, I am a lucky sod. In my life I've been blessed wth the most amazing luck. It seems to me that even when things have been bad, they've always worked out well. So I think it justifies a list

1. I was meant to be born on the 5th October 1962. My mum became very unwell and I was induced and born in August instead. I was very ill, I had three blood transfusions.You may think that such a start to life would be a bad thing? For me, it was a massive stroke of luck. It meant that I was in the year before I should have been. I was, for most of my schooling, the smallest, weakest, thickest child in the class. Given that some of my classmates were actually over a year older than me biologically, it was difficult. But it had several bonuses. I didn't start school (which I hated) until the April, rather than in September. It also meant that I had some key friends in my year, who have played a massive part in my musical career. Had I been born when I should of been, I probably wouldn't have been friends with them.

2. I was the youngest of six children. This meant that I had two elder brothers and three elder sisters on my side in life. They influenced my musical career and have always supported me throughout my life. I'd be lying if I said I never argue with them, but I love them all to death.

3. My father was an Australian RAF war veteran. By any measure, my Dad was an absolute hero. He was a role model and instilled in me an unshakeable self belief. Dad always taught me to be self sufficient and trust my instincts. He taught me to never show fear, even when I was terrified. He taught me that in life we always have choices, but a bad choice today means a more difficult choice tomorrow. He always supported me and in our last conversation, he told me that he had thought me to be a useless waster when I was a teenager, but he realised he was wrong. He had mistalen my stubborness and self belief for just being a difficult contrary person, but he'd realised I was just living life to my own rules, which he approved of. 

4.  My Mother was the daughter of an Irish immigrant. She was fiercely intelligent. She was in many ways very difficult, especially towards the end of her life. However she had the right values in life and great self belief. She reinvented herself and did very well in business. She was unafraid of taking risks. Like my father she was a great role model. I genuinely believe that good parents are the most lucky thing you can have. Bad parents are the opposite.

5. Clare. Without my wife, I have no idea how my life would have panned out, but I know it would have been worse. She has always supported me, done the heavy lifting and the boring stuff and given me three great kids. I've never actually been sure whether she likes me, but I know she loves me. 

6. My kids. Having great kids is the best blessing God can bestow on anyone. I never wanted kids, but was given no choice in the matter. Now I wish I'd had ten of the buggers. They are a joy I am a lousy father in many ways, but the all seem to love me. 

7. My faith. I don't tak about it much, but I have a deep, personal relationship with God. I daresay a few of you reading this will think "Oh no, he's a nutcase". I get that but I find that when I do the right things, good things happen. I don't pray for money, cars or even football results. I just pray for the wisdom to make the right decision. It is strange how often when I do I get a moment of clarity and I see the right path. When I hear things like US Presidents saying God told them to bomb Iraq, I despair. I genuinely believe that is not how it works. Sadly, I think most promenant, vocal Christians are the worst advert for faith imaginable. For me, God isn't a bloke with a white beard. God is someone who, in quiet, reflectful moments, you may get a better insight into life from, usually in a way you least expect. Often, this comes at the most difficult and challenging moments. But I get it that not everyone sees it and if you think its all mumbo jumbo that's fine. So long as we all keep our minds open and we appreciate what we've got in life that is enough!

8. The False Dots. I genuinely cannot imagine life without my band. In some ways it has given me everything. I met the person I love at one of our gigs. I started my business so I could have somewhere to rehearse with the band. I persuaded my Mother not to sell the site where our studios are for a pittance in 1989, after my father died, so I could have somewhere to rehearse. Myself and my siblings now manage the site and it has proven to be an amazing investment. But most of all, it is such a blast. I am proud of the music we make and I love my bandmates..

9. SPL International. In 1983, I did a TOPS course in Computer Operations. I wanted to get a job with a stable income, so I could move in with my then girlfriend. At the end of the course, they set me up with interviews at various companies. The first two places I went were horrible. The third interview was with a software company called SPL International. I had no expectations of getting the job, but my then boss, Peter Sutherby liked me. The job was brilliant. I worked there for two and a half years. Another software company called Systems Designers took them over and sadly the vibe was gone, but by then I had a proper career. 

10. Hadley FC. About eight years ago, my nephew suggested that I go with him to watch Hadley FC, a local Non League football team. I'd never heard of them. I thought it may be fun. When I got there I loved it.  My main football team is Manchester City FC, who I've supported through thick and thin since 1968, but Hadley is something very different. I am a season ticket holder and a shareholder. I met Tom Hammond, our trumpet player there. Whilst I am a City fan, I am part of Hadley FC.

11. Cancer. How can it be lucky to have cancer? I got very lucky. When I was 49, Dr Cuttell at Millway surgery suggested I had "a well mans MOT".  I was diagnosed with a non aggressive prostate cancer, following a high PSA test. I was put on active surveillance In 2015, it became aggressive and I had HIFU treatment. That addressed the issue until 2023, when it became aggressive again. I had a radical prostatectomy. Had I not had that PSA test, by now I'd probably have symptoms and be faced with very different choices. The year after I was diagnosed, the NHS stopped doing routine PSA tests. 

12. My friends. How lucky am I to have the great friends I have? Some of them date from the day I walked into St Vincents School. Some I've got to know in the last couple of years (such as Tom our trumpet player). All have brought blessings to me.

13. This blog. I never set out to be a blogger, it happened by accident. Being dyslexic. I didn't think anyone would be interested in my blatherings. But it seems they are. I get a lot out of writing the blog. I've met great people and learned so much researching it. It is a form of therapy for me. 

As I am sure you know, The False Dots releaased a new album last Saturday called "We don't live in America". Please have a listen

The Saturday List #501 - School Brainwashing Special - The ten things that I was taught at school that were blatant lies

 I have no idea whether this list is absolutely hilarious, utterly depressing, sick, disturbing or all of these things. I have agonised over whether to share this more or less since I started doing this blog. I have mentioned most of this, often obliquely at some point. I went to three schools during my childhood. St Vincents Roman Catholic Primary School, Finchley Catholic High School and Orange Hill Senior High School. Sadly, not every thing I was told by teachers has, shall we say, stood the test of time. I thought I'd list the biggest whoppers that I was told.

1. The British Empire was a benevolent organisation that did no harm, except in Ireland. This whopper was told to us by Mr Nick Kelly, AKA Ned, Headmaster of FCHS. Whilst he was trying to emphasise why Irish independence was a wonderful thing (something I doubt too many people at the school would have disputed), it was totally dishonest in relation to the behaviour of the British in various places. About 20 years I bought the Rise and Fall of The British Empire by Lawrence James, to read on the plane when we went on holiday. I realised that Kelly's analysis was very wide of the mark.

2. Homosexuality is a form of depravity caused by mental illness. Again this was Ned at his finest. He informed us that if ever we had lustful feelings towards other men, it was a sign that something was wrong with our brains. He suggested that we should resist such feelings. I have to confess that I've never really had "lustful feelings towards other men" but I now have plenty of friends who have, and I think any mental illness they may have experienced had more to do with denying their orientation. I discussed this once with an Anglican Vicar, who informed me that God makes some people Gay and if you believe in God you don't believe he makes mistakes. Although I've never been attracted to males, I had a deep fear as a teenager that I may develop a mental illness, start fancying men and end up in Hell. It sounds ridiculous, but it is true. At 13 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and was put on Valium. The paediatrician informed me that it was a form of mental illness and I was absolutely terrified as to what it may do to my soul.

3. Only Roman Catholics can go to heaven. This was told to us by Danny Coughlan, Head of The Lower School at FCHS. Danny would teach RE to us. His view of RE was, shall we say, rather odd. His teaching method was even stranger. He would simply dictate something, we would write it down word for word and they he'd mark it, to see how accurately we'd transcribed his rantings. Now you may say "Well who knows who is let into heaven, you cannot prove that people of other faiths are allowed in". That is a good point, however he was supposed to be teaching Roman Catholic dogma and The Vatican II council under Pope John stated categorically that it wasn't Catholic teaching to say all other faiths are excluded and that the mercy of God is unbounded. 

4.  People from Africa are ignorant and uneducated. I vividly recall one of the Nuns telling us at St Vincents that Africans are uneducated and ignorant, which is why we need to raise money so that missionaries can be sent to Africa to set up schools. No mention was made of things such as the Egyptian civilisation, the Aksum Civilisation (Ethiopia and Eritrea) and The Kush (who built more pyramids than the Egyptians). Mathematics etc originated in Africa. Sadly, it is true that imperial powers did little to educate people under their rule. This was a deliberate policy, as an educated population is not one that takes kindly to imperialism. But we were not taught that.

5. The Beatles and The Rolling Stones are not music. This was another of Danny Coughlans rants. He stated that the form and structure of modern pop music could not possibly be considered musical. He said that it was a form of hypnotic brainwashing, to make us have loose morals and be more inclined to worship the Devil. He cited The Rolling Stones song Sympathy for the Devil as evidence. I suspect that was the moment I realised he was a fool.

6. You will not be happy if you marry a Jewish woman. This was another of Ned's specials. He explained that if we wanted to be happy, we should find a nice girl from a good Catholic home. He stated that if we married someone from any other religion, we'd be unhappy and it would all end in tears, but he gave special attention to Jewish females, listing all of the their supposed faults. I guess that as I've not had a Jewish wife, I can't specifically say he was wrong, but my mate Richard is a good Irish Catholic lad with a lovely Jewish wife and he seems pretty happy. Ned was pretty anti semitic generally. I am delighted that such stupidity is no longer acceptable.  

7. All of the stories in the Bible are 100% true. Now I am a Roman Catholic, so I guess that I should accept this, however there is evidence to show otherwise. My personal view is that much of the early books of the bible are simply man's attempts to make sense of the world. To me, it is interesting that it predicts the big bang, millennia before it was scientific orthodoxy. "Let there be light" Bang. However, I don't buy that the world was fully formed seven days later, and I don't really think it matters. I don't believe that people (like me) who eat prawns should be put to death and I don't think that too many people believe that the first human alive was 6,000 years ago. I have always taken Adam to be the first human to become aware of the presence of God, but unlike my teachers, I accept that is a view, not a fact.

8. No good Catholic would ever use contraception. This was another of Ned's blatherings. Of course, he was simply reflecting the teachings of the Catholic church, but it is clearly wrong. If you go to any Catholic Church post the advent of the Pill, no families have 10 kids any more. What enraged me was the fact that Ned was judging people. I nearly got expelled for arguing with him about it in an RE lesson. 

9. If schools could not use the cane, there would be total mayhem and society would break down. My children all went to school in the post corporal punishment era and clearly there was order. There is also less violence in society.

10. Your teachers are your elders and betters. Danny Coughlan was keen to tell us this. I will accept that they were older than us, but the mere fact that they told us a bunch of porkies has meant that I cannot accept that they were our betters. As I went through FCHS, I became increasingly more irritated with all of this nonsense and would regularly argue with Ned, which lead to my eventual departure. When I went to Orange Hill Senior High School I was astounded to find that we were not subjected to all of this old cobblers. If I tried to argue with a teacher, they would retort with a reasoned argument. No one ever said "I am right because I am right", something that was said to me regularly. I was even asked to do a lunchtime talk on the evolution of Punk Rock from Jazz music. That was the point when the true scale of the brainwashing became apparent. It was also evident that it had failed. I've often wondered if anyone actually was fooled.

Anyway, it made me what I am today. I suppose it is why I write a blog. I hate misinformation. Here's a tune that seems appropriate. I wrote this song at the time of The Falklands War. It is about awakening to the fact that you've been lied to by those who are supposed to be taking care of your interests. 

Ten Million Official Google Blog Views and The Saturday List #500

This week marks two real landmarks for the blog. The first is that it passed ten million official blogger views. That number is beyond comprehension to me. It never occurred to me when I first started writing it, that anyone would be interested. But this week we passed ten million views, so we must be doing something right. In the past, when I celebrated such events, certain nairsayers made comments about "Google stats being inaccurate". That may well be the case, but it is the only real measure I have and the nairsayers generally have blogs that only get a fraction of that number of views. Another criticism of the nairsayers is "You've published so many blogs on so many different subjects that you get lots of hits from people juts brosing on Google". To me that is a compliment not a criticism. Anyway, I think it is an achievement. I hope any dislexics out there, who were told at school that they'd amount to nothing take some sort of inspiration from this. I am proud of my blog and F--- the nairsayers!

Anyway, here's a couple of interesting (to me anyway) charts. Ever wondered where people who read The Barnet Eye live? Here you go

Another thing that intrigues me is what Browsers they use. So here you go

I find it fascinating that it's had over 83,000 views from Mexico! I do hope they've enjoyed reading it, 

And we mark another milestone today. Fourteen years ago, almost to the day, I published the very first Saturday List. It was ten things that don't live up to their promise. Today we publish the 500th List. I was originally just going to do a list of lists. However I decided that would be a bit boring for such a landmark.

So what was the first list? 

1. Every England football team world cup and euro campaign since 1966.
2. Everything the Rolling Stones have done since they released "Start Me Up".
3. Every film Sequel, apart from Godfather II.
4. The remake of the Producers.
5. Flying home business class from Washington on US airlines.
6. Barnet's Jubilee Beacon, which failed to light.
7. Every dodgy establishment I've ever staggered into in Soho when drunk on a stag night.
8. Every recording ever made by Annie Lennox.
9. Chinese eat as much as you like buffets
10. Audley Harrison.

So would I choose the same list? Well I don't think of them are any less of a disappointment. Oddly the list has several things that are fairly topical. At the time England were embarking on an unsuccessful World cip campaign. England went on to finish bottom of their group and went home early. 

The Rolling Stones have released a new album recently. Like many of their recent albums, it's OK, but nowhere near as good as Start Me Up. I can't think of any sequels made in the last 12 years that contradict that. The original version of the Producers was one of my favourite films, the remake was awful, but TBH I'd more or less forgotten it until I reviewed the list. I had just been on a business trip to the USA on American Airlines. It was a disappointment. I am glad someone else was paying. I don't do such things anymore! I'd forgotten Barnet's dodgy Jubilee Beacon. It seemed to sum up Barnet's dodgy administration at the time. Now we have an even more dodgy one! A Labour regime propped up by The Tories, to thwart a solitary Green Councillor. It really is in the realms of "You couldn't make it up".

I am sort of past the stage where I go on Stag nights and stagger into Dodgy Soho establishments. In truth, Soho has been gentrified and sanitised. Some may say it has been ruined. As for Annie Lennox, some people took this as a criticism. It is actually a compliment. I think she is a great singer, who has never really been given the production and material that she deserves. I'd love to make a record with her. I am really not a fan of the production on many of her numbers.

I avoid Chinese eat as much as you like buffets. That holds.  I'd probably delete Audley Harrison from the list. He'd been over hyped and he's been largely forgotten.

So I'd delete the Producers, The Jubille Beacon and Audley and I'd add the following

8. Watching live music at the Millenium Dome, or whatever it's called now.Awful

9. Cornish Pasties from outlets at London Mainline Train Stations. Alwasys look delicious and disappoint

10. Democracy. Donald Trump, Keir Starmer. Need I go on. 

Apologies if you expected a list of more than three entries today

I never dreamed that the blog would get 10 million views. I never dreamed that I'd manage to produce 500 lists. You can see all of the lists here. They are not in the correct numeric sequence, as when I got to 499, I realised I'd missed 361-381 out! 

I can't finish without some music from The False Dots. I was trying to work out which of our tracks was most appropriate. I decided to go for Wacky Races live at London talent week. This is a song that for me eemplifies the spirit of the band and also the blog. It tells a few stories. 

The Saturday List #381 - My top six life mistakes

 Todays list is Saturday list #381 - It shouldn't be, but I made a numbering mistake and missed list 361-381 in the sequence and only realised when I got to list #499! So I had to atone my mistake. Anyway, I've reached the end of the gap, so I thought, like a good Catholic boy, I'd atone for my sins and confess my top ten life mistakes and my regrets. I have very few and I've had a great life, but these are the ones that I beat myself up over most. I've not included relationship mistakes. That would be unkind

1. Not speaking up when a Roman Catholic Priest described my cousin, who had Downs Syndrome as a vegetable. I was absolutely shocked by this. The Priest is well respected and well liked. I was raised a Catholic and taught to be deferential to Priests. My cousin did not hear, I may have reacted very differently if she had, but I have always felt I let myself down badly by not having the courage to pull him. The fact I could let down someone I loved really bothers me. 

2. In November 1981, I was living in Stockholm and went to see Swedish band Ebba Gron. At the gig were English punk band Theatre of Hate, who were having a night off. They went to check out the local competition. I got chatting to Billy Duffy, the guitarist, a fellow Man City fan. He offered me a job as a guitar tech, as his one had just left. I turned it down as I was happy with my girlfriend there. I have always regretted that. Billy went on to be the guitarist of The Cult and is a legend.

3. In November 1980, The False Dots made a demo with four songs on, one of which as called Fog. We played it to Ted Carroll at Chiswick records. When we recorded it, I removed all Craig Withecombes guitars and replaced them with a Korg Synth. Craig was furious, but it was the right decision. I'd borrowed the synth from a mate, who we called Moje. Ted loved Fog, hated the other tracks and told us to record some more stuff like that. Sadly I'd given the synth back to Moje. I should have listened and bought a synth! About a year later, Craig told me that he had realised I was right to put the synth on. 

4. In 1975, I made my O Level choices. I was under the deluded impression that I was academically gifted, so I chose physics, biology, French and chemistry.  The school suggested that as my grades were awful, I did building studies. As this meant a day out of school, I took this option. I scraped a C at physics and failed the others. To this day, Chemistry has baffled me. I wish I'd done art subjects. I wasted three years doing things I've never used. 

5. Not taking over the main role as lead singer of The False Dots in 1980, when Pete Conway quit the band. When we formed, it was always agreed that Pete would be the lead singer. When he left, I sang a few songs, but I didn't have the self confidence at the time to put my heart into it. I realised that I could hide behind the guitar. In 2021, over forty years later, when Allen Ashley left the band, I stepped up, out of necessity. I realised that I was a natural. I am not a great singer technically, but I think I am an excellent front man and I write songs that suit my voice. Had I realised this 41 years ago, the whole course of my life would've been different. The truth is that it is all about confidence. I have a degree of confidence now that I lacked then. 

6. Not having more kids. I never wanted any. In fact I was a bit cross when I found out my missus was pregnant. I thought I'd be a lousy father and the whole concept scared me to death. I hate doing things badly, but I saw no way I'd make a good parent. I am not sure I have but I picked my partner well and she is wonderful. I wish I had  few more of them running around now

Have a great weekend. Here's a tune for you! This is for all my Arsenal supporting mates. Enjoy while the moment is there!

The Saturday List #380 - London Symphonies - The ten things that make 'my London'

 London is an ever changing enigma. It seems like you blink your eye and something that you thought would be there forever has been replaced. Back in around 2018, when Allen Ashley was in the band, we decided that after we'd released our album "Songs of Love and War", we'd start work on a brand new project called London Symphonies. As it was, neither album got released. Songs of Love and War was largely material we'd written in 1985 and a few newer songs. London Symphonies was meant to be a celebration of all things London. The idea was that it would be more than a simple album, it would be a collection of stories, short films and poems, as well as the tunes. I set up a website and we started planning. The pandemic meant Allen stopped working with the band. Originally, the album "A finger in the Sun" was to be London Symphonies, but as it evolved, it was clear that it wasn't that.

I set up a website, put some of the material up and the plan was for it to evolve over time. As the band moved away from what we were doing with Allen, it seemed less and less relevant to the project. The band have been working hard on the follow up, which is called "We don't live in America". I think it is a real tour de force of The False Dots work and ethics. But it is done, it will be released on July 4th. So I started to think 'What next? Should I revisit London Symphonies as the theme?".  Where to start? What is London to me? I realised that although I had a rough idea of what I wanted to say, I wasn't really distilling the idea into a state where it could coherently hang together. As I love a list, I thought "why not make a list of what makes my London". So here you go. These are the things that make me love London.

1. Thameslink. I used it every day for nearly 40 years for work, and I know it can be a nightmare. But it stops in Mill Hill and it means I can go more or less anywhere in London in less than an hour. I think every Londoner has a favourite bus, tube or train line. There are many wonderful things about it. It has two of the best stations in the world. Blackfriars has a unique view of the Thames, that always takes my breath away. St Pancras is a wonder of Victorian architecture. It is also a wonder of upcycling. In the 1970's British Rail decided it should be knocked down. Sir John Betjamin had other ideas and lead a campaign to save it.  He won.  For decades, it languished, semi derelict, a monument to a bygone era of Railway. Then it was transformed for the Eurostar network. It was given a makeover and is a shining example of what you can do with a great space and vision. I love the piano's plinking and the noticeboards which display destinations as diverse as Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Brighton, Margate and Luton. Thameslink is a metaphor for London. When it is bad, it is awful, but when it works it is brilliant. It encompasses new and old and links the Midlands and the North with Europe. If I was ever made the Dictator of Britain, I'd bring back the Thames-Clyde Express that ran from St Pancras to Glasgow. I think such a station deserves such a service. Scotland should be on that noticeboard along with all the Thameslink trains. 

2. The Southampton Arms. I always have a favourite pub in London. London changes, Pubs change, but right now, this is my favourite. It is officially an ale, cider and pie house. It has a great range of real ales and some tasty pies. It isn't a gastro pub. It is a place you go for a beer with your mates. Needless to say, it is in Kentish Town on the Thameslink line. It is not a posh, swanky venue, but you feel like you are having a pint in proper London when you go there.

3. The Mill Hill Tandoori. We all have our favourite restaurant. My favourite cuisine is Indian and it is my local. The restaruant first opened in 1974 and the current owners moved in in 1979. I had the last curry with my Dad in there in 1976. The owner, Mr Lemon, is getting on. His kids are well qualified and don't want to run a restaurant and I suspect that the fuse is burning. I will appreciate it as best I can whilst it is still there. London used to be full of cheap and cheerful Indian restaurants, they are disappearing before our eyes

4. The Dublin Castle. No one lives in London for the weather or the beaches. We live here for the art and culture. Music is my thing. I probably go to more gigs in a year than many go in a lifetime. The Dublin Castle is my favourite grassroots venue, not least because my band has a residency there. I have seen some amazing nights there, both when we've been playing and as an ordinary punter. It has the best memorabilia of anywhere. It is worth having a pint just to look at them. Like most things in London, it is far from perfect, but it is my musical spiritual home.

5. The Little Portland Cafe. I've always had a favourite cafe. Like much of what I love, they are disappearing. As I've mentioned before, I always had one near my offices in London. All of those are now closed. Through my cancer treatment, I've had to visit Westmoreland St far more than I'd liked. I came across the Little Portland Cafe and it makes the trips for MRI's etc bearable. They do a stonking full English.

6. Castle's Pie and Mash. I love Pie and Mash. Castles in Camden is my favourite. My family don't really get it, but for me, it is a real pleasure. If I am mooching around Camden, I will start with Pie and Mash. If I could change one thing about my wonderful wife, it would be a love of pie and mash, so we could share it.

7. The Mayflower walks. London has the best walks. As your can probably guess, I like walks with regular pub breaks. The Mayflower pub is on the banks of the Thames, it has great views and is a wonderful place to start or end a walk. They do a good Sunday lunch as well. One of my favourite walk is from/to The Prospect of Whitby, via Tower Bridge to the Mayflower, stopping at various pubs on the way.

8. Ronnie Scotts. I am not really a Jazz buff, but there are a few Jazz artists I love. Ronnies is the best place to see them. In June, I'll be there twice in two days. On the 14th for The Jive Aces and on the 15th for New York legend Ben Sidran. 

9. The Kiln Theatre. Theatre isn't really my thing either. I'm not a massive lover of big West End shows, I much prefer small theatres and productions. The Kiln in Kilburn is a definite favourite. It's a ten minute walk from West Hampstead Thameslink station. Perhaps my favourite night at the theatre ever was there. It was a show called "The man who wears womens shoes" by Mikel Murfi. 

10. The London International Ska Festival Ska Cruise. London only exists because of the River Thames. The very best way to see it is on a London International Ska Festival Cruise. I am lucky that as a sponsor, I get free tickets. It never ceases to amaze me how wonderful London is. There is one coming up on the 6th June - Find out more here Facebook

The best/worst thing about London is that if I am still writing this blog in ten years, I suspect that at least half of these things will not be around or on the list. When I was about five, my Dad took me for pie and chips at my favourite cafe in Mill Hill. Being with my Dad, eating pie and chips and having a cup of tea was the best thing ever. I told him and he replied saying "If you really enjoy something, use it because the biggest mistake people make is to forget that nothing lasts forever". When the cafe shut, I shed a tear or two. It is now the Mill Hill Tandoori. Things change, sometimes they are better, sometimes they are worse, sometimes they are just different. 

The Saturday List #379 - My top ten irrational fears and phobias

 I'm surprised I've not covered this topic before. As regular readers will know, The False Dots released a new single recently titled "Big Hairy Spider". A mate asked me this week if I was phobic of spiders, and whether this was an inspiration. In actual fact, I am not. My sister Caroline is. Often when we were kids, I'd be woken by her screams, as she saw a spider in the bedroom. Dad would be summoned to despatch it. I don't think my Dad was scared of anything, but when we were kids, he'd entertain us with tales of snakes, spiders and all manner of other terrible things, which fed our phobias. I recall one time, I told him I was scared of the monsters on Dr Who. He replied "I can show you the scariest monster of all". He picked me up and told me to shut my eyes and not open them until he said so. He carried me up stairs and said "You can look now". I opened my eyes, to find myself looking in the mirror. He then said "People have done far worse things than animals, animals just kill to survive".

As for my sister, I used to have great fun collecting big spiders to put under her bed. My brother used to collect earwigs and put them on my pillow, telling me that they'd climb in your ear and eat your brain. I'm not scared of them either. When I figured out what he was doing, I'd just check the bed every night and put them in his bed. To the best of my knowledge, his brain is still intact. So what are my fears and phobias?

1. Snakes. I can't stand them. If I see one I feel sick. I do blame my Dad and his tales of brown snakes in the outback of Australia for this. Living in London, I only come across them in zoos usually, so it is a bit of an odd fear. 

2. Ragworms. When I was a kid, I used to like fishing. We went to Brighton pier. Dad bought a bag of Ragworms as bait. What I didn't know is that they have massive jaws and bite. They are also very ugly critters and do not take kindly to being stuck on fishing hooks. Dad was most disappointed with me, as I wouldn't go near them. I think that was the last time we went fishing. 

3. The 221 bus through Finchley. For nearly five years, I took the 221 bus from Mill Hill to Finchley to school. I hated my time there. I didn't realise how much until I went to Orange Hill. It was far more relaxed and there were girls. I felt Finchley Catholic was like being in prison. I loved my mates and a few of the teachers, but it was really oppressive. For years, if I got the 221 I got a deep feeling of unease as we approached the Avondale Avenue stop, where we'd disembark. I have got over this, My son went there and I had to face up to it. The school has changed. Oddly, I had less problems going to the school than I did going on the bus.

4. Borehamwood. For many years I was terrified of going to Borehamwood. There was a very simple reason for this. When I was about five, my sister Valerie took me to Burnt Oak market. As we got the bus back, a 292 came along, with the destination of Borehamwood. She said we shouldn't get the bus. I asked why. She said that it was going to Borehamwood, rather than Mill Hill. I asked her what Borehamwood was like. She said "They don't like people from Mill Hill, if you go there, they will all come out and throw tomatoes at you". I believed her and had a fear of the place for a very long time. I can say I've overcome this one, and never had a tomato thrown at me when I visited.

5. Mushrooms. I used to get a comic called "TV Action" when I was a kid. There was a competition to design a monster for a Dr Who story in the comic. The winner designed a monster called an Ugrakk. It looked a bit like a squid crossed with an elephant. They were a fungus and could control other mushrooms. I'd been fond of mushrooms until then. It put me right off mushrooms for many years.

6. A woman who lived on my paper round in Flower Lane. When I was 14 I started doing a paper round for Vernons newsagents on Station Road. There was one house I delivered papers to and the people were lovely, but they had a daughter, who was about 20 years old and was horrible. She'd look out of the window and as I delivered the papers, she'd open the door and shout at me. The papers were always late, creased, wet, something. It got to the stage where I'd develop a strategy to get them through the door without her catching me. At Xmas, we'd always go around an knock on doors for an Xmas box. I decided I would not bother with her house. It seemed futile. As I walked past, the Dad saw me. He'd seen me knocking on the other doors, as he was washing cars. When he realised I was not knocking on his house he called me over. He asked why. I explained that I thought they were unhappy because his daughter was always telling me off. He looked embarrassed and said "No, you do fine, she's just a bit unhappy". He gave me a fiver, which was a huge amount. I used to see her in the cafe's in Mill Hill until about ten years ago. She'd always scowl at me. I have no idea why she disliked me. Mind you she was horrible to my mate who took the round over as well.

7. Trees. Of all the irrational fears, this is perhaps the most irrational. When I was about 18, a mate suggested that a group of us take magic mushrooms. Apparently these would open my eyes to the beauty of the world. It was a warm, sunny November day. Everything looked lovely. We went up to Moat Mount, to clown around. Everything was magical, until the sun went down. Then I noticed that the trees seemed malicious. I could hear them saying to me, telepathically "You are the enemy. We will be around long after the last human has gone". I have had a mild aversion to being in the company of trees at night ever since. It is always at the back of my mind that they hate us! I must say that it rather put me off such substances. I told a mate who is a hippy and loves such things. He said "Yeah trees have split personalities, they are happy in the sunshine, but really nasty at night". Make of it what you will.

8. Graveyards at night. I went to St Judes on the Hill last night. I had to walk past Golders Green Crematorium and Hoop Lane Cemetary. I've never seen a ghost at a cemetary, but I always feel a sense of forboding. I guess that we only ever really visit cemetaries when we are sad, so it isn't completely irrational.

9. Swimming. When I was four years old, I fell in the deep end at Butlins and nearly drowned. After that I was terrified of water. I got clobbered by teachers several times for refusing to participate in swimming lessons. I would have panic attacks. I'd bunk off school if I knew one was scheduled. I believed it was something I could not do. Then when I was 16, there was a girl I rather liked who was a keen swimmer. I decided that I had to learn. I went to Copthall Pool and taught myself. I am not a great swimmer, but I was functional. The whole thing scarred me so deeply, that I ensured my kids could swim a length by the time they were three. I wanted them to be able to get to the side and not panic if they fell in. My Eldest Daughter was a National Swimming Champion, so I guess something good came out of it.

10. My ex girlfriends flat mate. Many years ago, I went out with a georgeous girl who had a flat in Hendon. Her flatmate was a large girl, who was very sexually active and let say her morals were not those of a nun. One day, when I wasn't working and my girlfriend was, she came into the bedroom with a cup of tea. She was dressed seductively and made it clear that she was interested in some action. Now I always try and be polite, but there were many reasons why I was not interest. I liked my girlfriend,  I knew her boyfriend and I didn't find her attractive being near the top of my list.  She was quite persistant, but I managed to extracate myself from the situation quite diplomatically. However, at every opportunity, she made it clear that the offer was there whenever I wanted to take it up. I found it rather intimidating and I did everything I could to avoid being alone with her. What really perturbed me was I think she realised and took great relish in catching me in various situations and invading my personal space whenever possible. If anyone ever tells you a heterosexual man will always succumb if offered they are offered some slap and tickle with no consequences, I can assure you it isn't true. She ended up dating two ex members of my band at the same time and the situation ended pretty badly for all concerned. At the time, I actually thought that my girlfriend had set the situation up to see if I was the unfaithful type. Subsequent events made me realise this wasn't the case. 

I have managed to connquer all of them, apart from the first two and I suspect the last, although I've niot had any contact with her for decades! I don't really have any desire to overcome my fear of snakes or Ragworms. I must add that I had mushrooms for breakfast and they were delicious. 

Anyway, I'll dedicate this to my sister Caro and her dislike of Spiders. This is The False Dots latest single, Big Hairy Spider.

The Saturday List #378 - The eight moments when my life changed forever

 In everyone's life there are key moments when your life changes forever. Nothing is ever the same again. This week has been a difficult and stressful one for me. It has made me reflect on my life and the key moments when it changed. I thought that warranted a list. 

1970 - My Mum diagnosed with stomach cancer. Up until that moment, everything had been fine and dandy. Then it wasn't. I've written about this before, but everything changed. I had been working as a child model/actor. I was frequently on telly and I didn't have to go to school when the shoots were taking place. Mum told me she was too ill to continue and that was that. She eventually recovered, but I believe I suffered PTSD watching her struggle. Dad had been told she would live no more than three years. He broke down and told me this. I was eight. Seeing her looking half dead, on a drip in hospital is the most traumatic moment of my life. Most of the pictures of me before that had me smiling. After that, most don't.

1977 - Seeing The Ramones at The Roundhouse. I was fourteen and truly lost. Then my sister took me to see the Ramones. I realised what I wanted to do in my life. I wanted to make the same noise the Ramones made. I found my tribe. The idea of what my life would have been like without that moment is unthinkable.

1980 - The False Dots first gig. It took us a year and a half to get it together. Our singer didn't turn up. We rented a Church Hall and got two other bands to play with us. Until that point I knew what I wanted, but I had no idea if it was feasable. Playing that gig made me realise that anything is possible, if you really want it and work hard. But most of all, I learned that you need people in your life you can rely on.

1983 - SPL International. I was stone broke, I had been working as a painter and decorator, but the work had dried up. I had a girlfriend and I wanted to live with her. I realised that I needed a steady job, where there was regular money, until the band got a record deal and we all became rich. I did a government sponsored TOPS course in Computer Operations. It was a ten week course, and I was told there was a guarantee of a job at the end. The course operators, Compucentres promised that they would fix us all up with three interviews as part of the deal. The first two interviews were a disaster. The first one was at an insurance company and it was horrible. The second was for an oil company and the manager was someone I was at FCHS with who hated me (what are the chances). I had almost given up, when I was sent for the third one. It was at one of Britains top software companies. They sent the two cleverest people with me. I was third up. I just assumed I'd fail. The manager I had to see looked and sounded like King George V. He seemed flustered. I had been told to not talk about my music or travel. I sat down and he seemed like the whole thing was a terrible chore. I just assumed that I had already failed. I noticed a poster for Svenska Handelsbanken (A Swedish bank) on his wall. I asked why and he said "We supply them with software". I said "That's funny I have an account with them". He was intrigued, as they didn't operate in the UK. I explained that I'd lived in Stockholm for six months. He asked why, I explained I had a Swedish girlfriend and my band had played there. I realised that I'd broken the golden rule and spoken about music and travel. The boss then relaxed and we chatted for about 30 minutes about life, the universe and everything. I thought "What a nice bloke, humouring me". Eventually I went back to Compucentres, expecting to be told I was a useless failure. Haf and hour after I arrived, Iw as summoned to the office. They said "They want you start this Friday". I was gobsmacked. The money was great, the job was great. I'd done everything wrong, but somehow got the job. I became friends with the boss, the wonderful Peter Sutherby. He told me that the other guys had no personality. He said that anyone with the get up and go to move to Stockholm to be with a girl when they were 18 is just the sort of person he wanted in the company. I worked in various roles, mostly freelance, in IT, on and off until 2017. 

1985. Meeting Clare. The False Dots did an Xmas gig at the Three Hammers Pub  in Mill Hill. There was a very attractive young lady there, who I fancied the pants off. We got together and have been together ever since (apart from a break of a year in 1992, when we realised that life was better together). We have three kids and two dogs and life is good.

1987. My Dad died. He died suddenly, aged 69. I had assumed he was invincible and immortal. Three months before he died, he told me something that I had completely discounted. He said that when he was being shot down in 1944 over Romania, his plane was on fire and he realised it was going to crash. He told me he'd said a prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked for his allotted "three score and ten years". He bailed out and survived. He told me that he was now in his three score and tenth year. He told me that he believed his candle had burned down. He was shortly to go to Florida and he told me he was going to have a real crack, as it may be his last holiday. I told him not to be ridiculous. I never saw him again. The shock still lives with me. I feel him with me in difficult times. Sometimes, I ask him for advice, a voice pops into my head, usually with some outrageous advice such as "Well I'd smack him in the face". It always makes me laugh. God bless you Dad.

1995. Kids. My eldest daughter was born in 1995. My kids are the best thing in my life (although they say they believe the dogs are). I am proud of all of them. I really am a lousy parent, but they seem to like me. As I mentioned in my 1980 lesson. Have good people you can trust around you. I have. 

2011. Cancer. My constant friend and companion, the devil on my shoulder. It took me a long time to recognise this, but for me, cancer has become a positive force in my life. It devastated me and still does. However, I refuse to give in to negativity. I took a positive decision to accept that my life would change. It made me re-evaluate everything. It made me appreciate what I have, work harder for what I want and do the things today that I would have put off until tomorrow. You simply never know in life. I hadn't appreciated this. It has made me love and embrace life. I am lucky, my cancer was diagnosed early. I have had the opportunity to deal with it. Not everyone has the opportunity to get something positive from the experience. That is why I am a passionate advocate of getting tested if you have a family history of breast or prostate cancer in the family. 

I must add, I believe that God gave me certain gifts. I believe I have to put them to work in a positive way. I am not advocating religion or a system of belief. I am simply stating that for me, I have come to realise that my gifts are that I can write a blog which people read, I play in a band that people enjoy and I can keep calm and cool when other people lose their minds. I believe that I use my gifts for good. A band won't change or save your life, but it might just put a smile on your face. If we can make someone happy for just a little while, that is enough. As for my blog. If people enjoy it, that is great. If they learn something that makes their life even better. If they have a test for prostate cancer and it saves their life, that is just perfect. I can do no more. I realised that all of the above moments have shaped and moulded me. I am an optimist. I believe the best is to come. Stay calm. The choppy waters we are going through in the world will pass and sanity will resume. In the meantime, why not come along watch The False Dots tomorrow, at The Dublin Castle, for our Matinee Show. It will be a great laugh and you may just forget your troubles for a few minutes. We are all entitled to some fun in our lives!

One other little thing. I was interviewed by The Camden New Journal this week, talking about the 50th anniversary of the founding of Rock Against Racism - You can read the article here -  Camden New Journal  - Forward to page 18.

The Saturday List #377 - The five careers I wanted but was too thick to have but AI may open the door to!

1. Cartoon Animator.  

I am not ashamed to say that I am and always have been a lover of TV cartoons. If I could draw and was clever, I may well have been an animator. My nephew, Chris Tichborne is a BAFTA winning animator. I don't know whether it was an influence on him or not, but when he was a kid, I'd always encourage him to read comics, watch cartoons and be artistic. When he was at Uni studying 3D animation at Uni he lived at my house for a while. Whilst some may see creative industries as not a proper job, I've always recognised the importance of such industries. If you have a real talent and you are prepared to work hard, then like Chris you will get on. With the advent of AI, talentless plebs like me can make our own animated videos. Whilst Chris's forte is stop motion animation, I have always been fascinated by the classic cartoons of Hanna-Barbara and the like. 

AI is a subject which fascinates me. I decided to bite the bullet, sign up for a sophisticated AI tool and use it to make a video for my band The False Dots new single.. The single is called Big Hairy Spider. It is based on a terrible nightmare I had when I was sixteen, about a rather luscious beauty who lived up the road from us. I had been reading horror comics and it morphed into a nightmare dream. I wrote the song, but my then bandmate and song writing partner deemed it "too stupid and pathetic for the False Dots". It say in the unused lyrics tin until recently. It suits the current incarnation of the band rather well. It also lent itself to being transformed into a 60's style TV cartoon. Now you will have to wait until next Sunday to see it, as that is the official launch, but I had a few credits left in the AI app, so I made a trailer for our next gig (Next Sunday at the Dublin Castle, click for details), which you can see here!

Who knows, as I approach 64, maybe a new career beckons (although I doubt it).

2. Surgeon.

This will probably make you laugh. When I was at school, I didn't actually realise how thick I was! I thought I was a genius. There was just the slight matter of my appalling grades. I didn't know it then, I hadn't been diagnosed, but it should have been obvious to all that I was dyslexic. I harboured ambitions to be a surgeon. The reason was pretty simple. My Mum's life had been saved by a wonderful surgeon, called Mr Phillip King at St John and St Elizabeth's hospital, in 1970 when she had cancer. I wanted to save peoples lives. Sadly, to become a surgeon, you need straight A grades. That simply was never going to happen. 

I read this week, that a man had a robotic radical prostatectomy in Gibraltar, where the robot was controlled by a surgeon in London. AI is absolutely revolutionising medicine. AI can spot cancers that doctors would have otherwise missed. Robotic surgery is becoming more commonplace. Where is it all leading? Will we ever reach the point, where someone like me would be able to press the button and do  radical prostatectomies via AI controlled robots on myself? Fifty years ago, large companies had mainframe computers. They needed dozens of technicians to run them to do tasks that an Excel spreadsheet can do on your phone now. 

Imagine a scenario, where you turn up at a hospital, get an MRI scan, and AI diagnoses prostate cancer, so you walk down the corridor and a fully robotic ward, where you are weighed, your vitals taken and knocks you out and a robot removes your prostate. All you need is a nurse to make sure you are comfortable and a team on standby, if something unforeseen happens. You just press the button to agree to the procedure.

I'm pretty good with IT and computers, who knows maybe I could operate a robotic surgeon tool? I am not sure I want to, but it is not beyond the realms of possibility that a whole new career could open up for many. As for the wonderful surgeons, such as Mr Phillip King and my own cancer surgeon Dr Christopher Eden, there will always be a need for people at the top, who make sure the process continues to improve. I suspect that the job of a surgeon will be very different in 25 years time. 

3. TV Chef.

I love cooking. I love showing off (which is why I sing in a Ska band). When I was 20, a mate of a mate worked in a kitchen in a top hotel. He was a brilliant chef. I was out of work and needed some temporary work to see me through. He got me a weeks work in the kitchen, as someone was off ill. What could be easier than peeling spuds and washing up? I have to say that of all the jobs I've ever had, it was the most punishing and brutal. It was absolutely non stop, unrelenting and punishing. Every plate has to be perfect. Every potato peeled properly. Nothing could leave the kitchen until it was right, but everything had to be done immediately. I was the bottom of the pile. I have never been sworn at so much. When I watched the chef's work, I was in awe. How the hell could they remember all of the stuff they need to do? But after a week, I'd learned enough so that when I cook Xmas dinner for 25 people it doesn't phase me. Much as I would love to be a top chef, it is just too hard. You need to know all about everything on the menu. Is the produce fresh? Is the oven the right temperature? Is there enough salt and pepper in the kitchen? Is the customer justified saying the steak is undercooked when they asked for rare? But, there is a new type of chef (well not that new). It is the TV chef. The TV chef has no one yelling at them. No customers moaning because there is no gluten free pie option. They just make videos and write books about cooking delicious food and they make millions. Whilst there is no way I could ever be a real chef in a commercial kitchen, I have some great. recipes. With AI video production tools, maybe I could make a few Youtube cooking videos and see if a lucrative career awaits me. I have a bit of a different spin on the TV chef. I am going to make a couple of videos and see if it works. You will think I'm bonkers when you see it!

4. Architect.

Buildings fascinate me. I know the names of the architects of all of my favourite buildings. I know the name of the architect of all of my favourite London buildings. St Pauls -Christopher Wren. St Pancras Hotel - Gilbert Scott. St Pancras train shed - William Barlow.  The Post Office Tower - Eric Bedford and G R Yates.The Shard - Renzo Piano. All these men were masters of their art. I worked in an office on Park St, near Borough Market. I watched The Shard being built, I had a view of it from my desk. If I looked the other way, I saw St Pauls. When I was at school, I did building studios and did projects about the building techniques used for St Pauls, St Pancras and The Post Office Tower (as it was then). The sheer logistics of such difficult buildings being built was mind boggling. If you design a building, you need to know you can actually source the materials and get them to the site. Imagine the challenge for St Pauls and Wren? Only barges, horses and carts. 

But now, with AI, anyone can design a reasonably decent building. But..... Now this is what really fascinates me. I am a musician. Over the years, there are places I love to play, because Rock and Roll works well in them. Then there are other venues where it simply doesn't work at all. People may come and have a great night, but it simply doesn't feel like a gig in the same way. The job of an architect is to ensure that a space is fit for purpose. I've actually worked with architects and designers to build studios. I think we did a good job at Mill Hill Music Complex.  But there are so many venues that just don't work.  I'd love to build a proper music venue from scratch. In the world of church design, there is a word called Numinous that means the amount of spirituality a religious space exudes. It is something many historic churches exude and new ones often don't. I have realised that a similar concept exists for rock and roll spaces. There are local pubs that put on great bands, but I have no desire to play at,because the space is simply not "rock and roll" in its feel.

 I'd love to take all of the lessons I've learned from 47 years in a band to make the best venue ever. If you are a millionaire and you want to be part of something great musically, get in touch! I am not an architect, but I believe that with AI and a little help from my friends, we could build the best small venue in the world!

5. Bomber Pilot. 

My Dad was an RAF bomber pilot in World War II. He flew Wellington Bombers for 40 squadron and flew 40 combat missions, getting shot down on his last one. He was held a POW and escaped. He was an officer, having passed out with the highest grades in his intake at the Royal Australian Air Force training centre. When I was a kid, I wanted to be like my Dad. I dreamed of flying bombers and winning the war. Dad didn't encourage me. In fact, the opposite. He told me I was too thick to pass the exams needed. He also felt that I was too indisciplined and unruly for a career in the forces. He said that the RAF works because people follow orders and don't question their officers. He reckoned I could start an argument with myself in a phone box. By the time I was about 14, I was into punk rock and rejected the notion of war. I joined CND, which confirmed to my Dad that I was a naïve idiot, who understood nothing about the world. He also simply couldn't understand why I had no real interest in travel or learning to drive and fly planes. I learned to drive when I was 29, long after he passed away. After the age of nine or ten, I lost all interest in being a bomber pilot. As I approach 64, it would be sensible to assume that the ship sailed a long time ago. However, with AI and the advent of drones, it occurred to me, that anyone can fly a drone. You don't need to be fit, have perfect eyesight or risk getting blown to bits by anti aircraft fire. Theoretically I could fly a drone from my front room and drop bombs on people. Now it is actually the last thing I want to do. But it is possible. I wish my Dad was alive to discuss this with. I think the technology would fascinate him.

The Saturday List #376 - My top ten best moments from school

 A mate said to me recently that all I ever do on the blog is moan about my time at school. They said "Did you actually enjoy any of it?". There were a few moments I recall. Here they are

1. Making a cotton reel crocodile in the 'baby class'. When I was at St Vincents, reception was called the baby class. The teacher was Sister Rosalie, who everyone thought was the 'nice nun'. She was always nice, never clobbered us and organised fun activities. The best one was making a cotton reel crocodile.

2. Catching Tadpoles at Darlands Lake. In Junior 2, we had Miss MacDonald. She was very pretty and very nice. I liked her. I can remember one spring, she took us down to the nearby Darlands Lake. At the time there was a boating lodge there. We caught Tadpoles and did a nature survey. I have loved the place ever since.

3. Arctic Roll. I used to quite like most of the dinners and puddings. My favourite, and I think this was a pretty universal choice amongst our school mates was the Arctic Roll. Whenever this was the pudding, we all felt like we'd won the lottery.

4. Football practice on a Sunday Afternoon at St Vincents. This was organised by Brother Jerry from St Josephs college. Dad would drive me up in his car, then we'd go for ice creams at Tonibell afterwards. Sadly, I was rubbish at football, but that never deterred me! As I was born in August, I was the smallest, weakest boy in the year. By the time I was 15, I became a big lump and a half decent defender. I think being small made me a bit fierce and this was well suited to industrial defending. I used to love that.

5. Scratching my name into the bricks at St Vincents on the last day at the school. It was a work of art, I think it's still there, even theough the school is now houses,

6. Margate. I don't have too many great memories of FCHS, which I joined in 1973. There were a couple of great moments. One was our trip to Margate. We absolutely ran riot, but it was an amazing day and going to Dreamland was fun. Our class was banned from any such trips again. But it was brilliant

7. Pine cones. Another great moment was when our class, form 4B stormed class 4H and pelted them with pine cones we'd collected during dinner break. There was bad feeling between our two classes. They were tougher, we were cleverer and we had a far higher number of troublemakers. It was a glorious feeling. We timed it so that their form teacher would arrive to take the dinner register as we left, meaning they couldn't follow us out. I suffered for it later when ambushed, but it was worth it.

8. In 1978, I joined Orange Hill Senior High School. I had a lot of fun there. I can well remember the first lesson I attended, a biology O Level class. I'd been at a boys school for five years and all of a sudden I was surrounded by pretty girls. It was wonderful. I felt like I'd been in prison and I'd just been let out.

9. Millport. We had a week long biology field trip to Millport, an island near Glasgow. It was amazing. We had to do a project, I chose to do one to see whether baby eels were attracted to fresh water. It involved a set up with a large section of gurrering in the science lab. Millport was owned by Westfield College and had well equipped facilities. I got a C+ for it. About three years later, my biology teacher saw me and apologised. He'd read an article in a science mag and some professor had won an award for a similar experiment. He said I should've got an A +. He said he hadn't taken me seriously, because I was a bit of a joker. He was a great bloke and gave me a brilliant job reference though.

10. From Jazz to Punk. Mr White, the deputy headmaster, asked me to do a presentation on how Jazz influenced Punk, as part of the celebrations for his retirement. He was a Jazz nut. It was the moment I realised that I had won the respect of my teachers at Orange Hill. I was quite shocked. It went really well. 

The Saturday List #375 - My top ten most incongruous moments with The False Dots

Our next gig - click image for tickets

I have been playing with The False Dots since the 14th February 1979. The band has had many people in the band, we've played almost every genre of music in that time. Punk, Reggae, Ska, Funk, Hard Rock and even Country and Western! Last time I counted we've had 38 members and I've no idea how many guests joining us on stage and on recordings. We have always been musical outliers, which I suspect explains our success as a live band and our lack of success commercially. One element that has been a constant since the very early days is our love of indulging in silliness. This often earned us the derision of the other bands on the bill, until they realised that the audience loved it and found them a bit boring. Not all of the band members got this. In fact very few have. But it has made the journey a lot of fun. I realised early on that if we just did what everyone else did, we'd get nowhere and be 'just another band'. Some of the ideas paid off. Some didn't. There is a full list of all the gigs we've done on our website. Here though, are the top ten silly things we did at gigs. I don't know whether it helped and hindered our career, but here they are!

 1 -  At our 4th Gig - 13 March - Hendon Rugby Club (supporting The Chevrons) we decided top celebrate the fact that our bassplayer Paul Hircombe had started going out with a French girl, by dressing up in stripey t-shirts, berets and with strings of onions around our necks. I think everyone was a bit bemused. As documented elsewhere, The Chevrons were rather unpleasant to us. The onions came in very useful when we trashed their van!

2. At our 11th Gig - 16th January1982, Pub Bastun, Aland, Finland We had to play three sets. AS we didn't have enough songs, we did some covers, including Space Cowboy by The Steve Miller Band. Mark Barnett did a drum solo in it and we used a strobe for this which was incredible. We also agreed that we'd jump up on audience tables when he did it and point at him. When we did this, the audience joined. Beer and glasses went everywhere. After we played, the pub owner came up and said we'd made a real mess. We thought he was cross, but he thought it was brilliant. 

3 - At our 14th Gig - 7th March, The Moonlight Club, West Hampstead,We decided that it would be a good idea to have Pauls dope dealer of choice sitting on a chair in his motorcycle helmet on the stage smoking a joint when we came on. He would open the visor, take a lug and then shut the visor. The idea was that Gwyn would sit there for a couple of minutes and then casually walk off once we were into the first number. I can't recall why, but I do remember people coming up to us after we'd played and saying "Who was that strange bloke on the stage". The promoter was none too happy. We deemed it a success, but a stern telling off.

4 - At our 16th gig - 26th November 1982, Gooners Club, The Copper, Tower Bridge Road our roadie Dermot Fanning asked if he could do a "Dukes of Hazzard Rap" over a country and western backing track. A female singer had just joined and she was really pissed off with the idea. The compromise was that he could do it if we got an encore. We didn't do C&W music, so it was a radical departure. Derm was brilliant and the guvnor offered to double our money and give us a weekly slot of we did C&W music with Derm singing, In hindsight, we should have.

5 - At our 24th  gig - 20th August 1984, Mill Hill Music Complex (Rog's Birthday Party) My then girfriends sisters boyfriend offered to cater for the party. He made a large stew and laced it with opium. He put far too much in. AS we were playing, it became like a scene from Shawn of the Dead. People wandering around like zombies, falling asleep in the yard, vomiting everywhere. We had to rescue my big brother Laurie from the Police on the M1, where he was wandering around. We told them he was special needs and had escaped. As he was incoherent and dribbling, they were happy for us to have him. His wife collected him and was none too happy. 

6 - At our 48th gig - 19th May 1990, St Josephs CollegeTony Robotham was our singer. St Jospehs college in Mill Hill was a training college for Roman Catholic Priests. The gig was attended by the Princess of Tonga. Although it was not organised silliness, watching a member of royalty boogey with a bunch of elderly priests was utterly hilarious. It was one of the few gigs my Mum went to and she told me she loved it. 

7. Our 113th gig - 29th June 20 East Barnet Festival As we do a song about football, we thought it would be good to throw some beach balls into the audience. One of the festival goers volley'd it back and it hit the microphone stand. The mic smashed into my face, nearly knockling my teeth out.

8. Recording our 1984 single, Action Shock. We recorded at a studio in Reading, the studio was small and there was only broom cupboard for us to chill out when we weren't doing takes. The studio session was eight hours. Most of the time was spent on vocal takes. Myself, Paul and Bill spent nearly the whole time sitting in the broom cupboard. Paul smoked spliffs constantly. Bill abhorred drugs and smoking, but by the time we finished, he was stoned on 2nd hand smoke. I have never seen anything so funny. The singer Venessa was his girlfriend and she couldnt figure out why, She didn't have to sit in the cupboard.

9. Shortly after the bands first rehearsal, Pete Conway, Dave Edwards (our first drummer) and myself decided that it would be a good idea to parade around Mill Hill Broadway in drag with me strumming an acoustic guitar, Dave bashing a tambourine and Pete Conway singing "Joshua the second" at the top of his voice. I can't remember why or what we were trying to achieve, but someone told my Dad, who asked if I'd turned gay. I told him that this is what Rock bands did.. To say he was not impressed was an understatement. He told me if we did anything like that in Mill Hill again, he'd smack me in the gob

10. And finally. Perhaps the most surreal moment of the whole period dated back to the earliest days of the band. After Dave Edwards left as drummer, Paul Marvin joined. Paul was the son of guitar legend Hank Marvin. Paul arranged for us to have a rehearsal at Hanks private studio, in his mansion in Radlett. As we were a bunch of young, rebellious punks, we didn't let on that it was much of a big deal. However, when Hank asked if he could jam with us on one of our numbers, we said yes. So there we were, in Hank Marvin's studio, with perhaps the first British guitar hero, jamming to Not all She Seems. Hank came up with the jingly riff, which we still play today! Sadly, Pete upset Hank, so we were not asked back. 

The Saturday List #374 - Ten things I have realised that Dad was right about

39 years ago today was possibly the worst day of my life. I was awoken early, by a phone call from my brother Laurie telling me that my Dsd had died. It was a massive shock. He had been on holiday in Florida and having the time of his life. He was spending money like water, much to my mothers annoyance. He had a new credit card and he was maxing it out to the limit. What I hadn't realised is that my Mum's sister had died and they had returned. Dad had an anuerism in the early hours, we believe brought on by the cold weather. 

I was getting on well with my Dad at the time. This had not always been the case. We are both strong characters and had several stand up punch ups. We disagreed on many things. He was Tory, I was Labour. He was a staunch Roman Catholic, I considered myself an atheist back then. He believed that the carpet bombing of Berlin was the correct thing to do. I didn't. There were many things we disagreed on. Dad thought I was a complete idiot. He didn't get my music, my fashion, my politics. my sense of humour. It was reciprocal. The last time we met, we had a great beer and a chat and it was civilised. He told me that he'd completely misunderstood me and that he realised I was a strong character who did things the way I wanted. He had realised that I argued because I believed in what I was doing, noi just to annoy him. It was the only grown up conversation we ever really had. Then he was gone. Over the years, I came to realise he was right about many things I had thought he was completely wrong about. To mark his memory, I thought I'd publish a list.

1. Electric Blankets. My Dad was from sub tropical Australia and hated the cold. He hated London's weather. His solution was to lie in bed every morning, drinking tea, reading the papers, ,doingt the puzzles and saying the Rosary and chilling out with the electric blanket on. When I was a little kid, it was a real treat to jump in with him, in his nice warm bed and do the puzzles and say the Rosary with him. By the time I was a teenager, I thought it was ridiculous behaviour. However in recent months, we bought an electric blanket and I find I am morphing into my Dad. Tehre is nothing better than lying in bed, doing a Soduku with the leccy blanket on. 

2. Big Juicy Steaks. When Dad died, I was a non meat eater. I did eat fish. Dad took this as a sign I was an idiot. I felt that farming techniques were cruel. Dad grew up on a farm and saw farm animals as food. When we had our last chat, he said "If the reason you are not eating meat is because you think farming is cruel, would you eat a wild deer you'd shot if you were hungry?". My reply was that I am not into killing animals. In 2000, I got really ill with a vitamin deficiency. The doctor advised me to eat meat, especially liver. The symptoms immediately disappeared. I guess Dad was right all along. I do love a big, juicy steak, but I only buy quality meat from proper butchers.

3. Songs should have melodies. Dad simply didn't get most punk rock. He said it had no tune. When he heard our band, he advised us to get some songs "with proper tunes". He was right. When I started listening, the music got better. In 1986, Dad came to see us at Grahame Park Festival. He was very impressed and said he didn't realise we were a proper band.

4. The Labour Party. Dad told me that he hated the Labour Party as it stifled creativity and innovation. I thought this was absolute rubbish. Sadly, both Sir Keir Starmer and the Barnet Labour Party have proven him right. I don't think the Tories are any better.

5. Police and Thieves. Dad believed that the job of the Police was to catch criminals and lock them up. I believed that their role should be wider and they should have a role in building communities. I have come to realise that the Metropolitan Police does not have the resources to do this and should concentrate on its core role. Dad explained that the place to rehabilitate criminals was in prisons. He explained that it was 'Unchristian to lock people up with no effort to get them to sort their lives out'. He was, of course, right.

6. Muslims. Dad worked in the Middle East. His views on Muslims and Arabs were complicated to say the least and by todays standards overtly racist. However, he also told me that many of the Muslims he worked with and had dealings with were fine people. He would tell the story of a crew in his squadron who were Indian Muslims. They were struggling with the stress of missions. As they were devout, they didn't drink. Dad spoke to the Medical Officer, who ordered them to have three large Whiskys in the mess, after every mission, to help with the stress. He also said that they were not to drink at any other time. They survived the war and in 1982, Dad met one at a reunion. He said he'd only got through the war because of that. He had not drank since.  Dad said that he'd realised that they were just like everyone else. Good and bad in all communities.  I had thought Dad a terrible racist, but his views were more nuanced. I just couldn't see past the language he used.

7. Comedians. Dad would say "Funny is funny". He'd laugh at the likes of Bernard Manning, Jim Dvidson, etc. By the time I was in my late teens, I found them revolting. However, I had missed one element. Such people were great comedians. I didn't like their material, but they were good at delivering it and they used the material as this was what people wanted to hear at the time. About five years after Dad died, I was listening to Fred Housego on the Radio, He played a selection of Bernard Manning jokes, all of which were clean, funny and expertly delivered. I realised that he was a brilliant comic and could deliver any material. As Fred Housego said "It's a bit of a shame that he didnt' do more of this".

8. Spaghetti. Dad once advised me never to order Spaghetti. It seemed an odd thing to say. But it is impossible to eat proper spaghetti elegantly and without making a mess. He was right.

9. The Church and Priests. I stopped going to Church in 1976 as I didn't like a couple of the priests at the Sacred Heart. We had a massive fight about it. Dad told me I was an idiot and I'd go to hell. When we had our last chat, we revisted the subject. He told me that I'd made the mistake of thinking The Church was the priests who said mass. He said it wasn't. It was the billion people in the large community. He said it was our job to be good people and do good. He confided that what really upset him about our fight, was that he knew I was right about the priests. He said he'd have knocked one of them out, if he hadn't been a priest. He said he just couldn't properly explain at the time. He said that if you went to church, you would know what was happening in the community and have the opportunity to do good things. He was right. I try and ignore priests I don't like now.

10. Fashion and clothes. Dad used to despair of our punk rock fashions. He told me I'd never get a nice girlfriend if I looked like a tramp. He confided that he was absolutely amazed that I seemed to have a constant supply of pretty girls who seemed to like me as a teenager. He couldn't understand why they would even look at someone who wore scruffy jeans and t-shirts. Times had moved on. However, ten years after he passed away, I was chatting to my nephew. He was moaning that he couldn't get a girlfriend. I said "Cut your hair, develop a style in clothes and always look as if you've had a bath". I then gave him a haircut, removing his long, greasy locks. WIthin a few weeks he'd giot a lovely girl. He nicked my style, the red check shirts (which is was a bit of a trademark for many years). It was only after that I realised I sounded like my Dad!