Adolescence, Samantha Cameron, growing up and getting it wrong

Have you watched Adolescene? As a parent, it is probably the most horrible thing I've ever watched. I've always said that the worst thing I can imagine is one of my children losing their life. I may have had to re-evaluate this. Would my child senselessly taking the life of another child actually be worse? I genuinely don't know. As I occasionally do, I was reviewing old blogs. The one from fifteen yers ago today was perhaps more interesting in light of this TV series than I may have imagined. The subject? It had been announced, fifteen years ago yesterday, that Samantha Cameron was pregnant. David Cameron was still the leader of the opposition. Oddly, at the time I vaguely knew Samantha Cameron. We both volunteered at The Passage, a Homeless day centre in Victoria. I knew who she was, but we were both there to try and do good things for Homeless people, so I never engaged her in conversation about David. In truth, I think all I ever did was smile and exchange pleasantries, as I did with most volunteers I met passingly. My assumption was and is that if someone was volunteering there, they were an OK person. Samantha had lost a son the year before. I felt incredibly sorry for her. In truth, I had no idea what to say.

When the news emerged that she volunteered, various tabloids offered volunteers to talk about her. I was doorstepped as I arrived at 6.30am. I told the journalist to do one. I'd almot forgotten about the whole thing until I re-read the blog. It occurred to me that the daughter Samantha was pregnant with would be around the same age as the kids in adolescence. When I read the blog, it made me think about what must be going on in the Camerons house. I assume their kids are all pretty normal kids. Her daughter will have a mobile phone and may well be on Instagram etc? This is the world she has grown up in. I wondered whether Samantha watched adolescence? My kids are all in their twenties, her daughter is in the eye of the storm. I think its a horrible age. I hated being 13. I was on anti anxiety medication and we didn't even have social media or cyber bullying to worry about. A nother thought occurred to me. As her daughter was born after Ivan passed away, she will have no real idea about her brother. It is strange growing up when you are the only family member who didn't know a key family member. My Mums mum died two years before I was born. I spent my early years hearing my siblings talking of 'Nana'. All I really had was a sense that I'd missed out. Such family dynamics can be difficult.

I always felt cheated about never knowing Nana.  A few yearsago, I was discussing this with my elder sister Valerie. She told me I was lucky. Nana died in 1960 after a botched medical procedure at Edgware General hospital. My Uncle George was sent to collect her. When he arrived, he was told she was dead. He returned to my Mums house, where everyone was having tea. He entered and announced "They've butchered Mum, she's dead". Valerie said it was the single most horrible moment of her life. I was spared that moment.  I got to thinking whether Samantha's daughter feels she missed out on not knowing her brother Ivan and whether she understands the pain his passing caused the family?

Such things are a sadly part of growing up. Sooner or later, you lose someone you love. Shortly before my Mum passed away, she started talking about her mother. I reminded her that I never met her and said of my sense of missing out. My mother also recalled how her brother announced the news. She told me she'd been furious with him for years for blurting it out in front of my siblings in such an insensitive way. She realised that it has utterly traumaised all of them. She said it had been the worst day of her life, but the way the news was broken made it far worse. My mum had to pacify a bunch of hysterical children, as well as handle her own grief. 

Which brings us back to where we started. Adolescence shone a light on just how difficult being a parent can be. I doubt any parent emerges from the process completely unscathed. We all have things we think we could have done better. There are moments when we realise that we don't know our kids as well as we thought. Sometimes, their behaviour can be shocking. We can't believe that we are in a situation. But sometimes, we are reminded how bloody brilliant they are. We have to see things like Adolescence in perspective.We can only do our best. What do you do when your kids don't meet your hopes and expectations? Well I'd say you should do exactly what you do when they exceed them. Tell them that you love them and you will always be their for them. You might miss out the bit about bein g proud of them, but when they are at their lowest is when they need you most.

But I then thought about my Mum and her mums death. Who is there for us when we are in the eye of the storm? I'm pretty lucky in as much as I have a partner who is supportive and friends who make an effort. But in such an extreme situation, I guess we'd learn who our friends really are. The one thing I can vividly recall about Samantha Cameron was feeling extremely sorry for her. Being such a public figure, she couldnt really let her guard down. If she had deciced to have a cuppa with me and share her thoughts, she might find them splashed on the front page of The Sun (I wouldn't do that but she wouldn 't know). It must be a lonely old life.

So I guess what I am saying, in a very long winded fashion, is that in every tragedy, there are people who are blameless but deeply affected and often they can't talk to anyone about their feelings. We are not a kind and loving society. Perhaps the worst aspect is that you get a lot of very right wing people bemoaning the 'death of Christian society in the West', but the same people have completely forgotten the first principle of Christianity, which is forgiveness and reconciliation. The one thing I learned from the clients of The Passage, who were largely using the service because something in their lives had gone horribly wrong, was that we are all human beings. Just chatting to the clients over a cup of tea made me realise we are a  harsh and uncaring society and there is no forgiveness and little real compassion. What we want when things go wrong is to demonise people, lock them up and throw away the key. I have no problem with locking people up when they are a risk to other people. I know that there are bad people who don't change. But when people make a bad decision, an error that they come to bitterly regret, we really should do more to support them in making amends. I am not sure that I'd forgive anyone who murdered a child of mine. I have no idea how I'd deal with it if my child was the perpetrator. But I do know one thing, without doubt. If I didn't have the support of people who love me, I'd fall apart. That is my take away.