The Blair Pope Project

As it's Good Friday I thought I'd look at Tony Blair's proposal that the Pope should get with it and modernise. Good old TB has only been a Roman Catholic for five minutes but he's already telling the Pope how to run the show (some things never change).

Tony's message - dump the old policies, modernise, make the Church punter friendly. Unpopular policies? Ditch them. I don't doubt that soon we'll all be "New Roman Catholics" I've no idea what clause 4 of Canon Law is but I'm sure Tony will soon be asking the Cardinals to ditch it. Now it may surprise you to hear this but I have a mole in TB's private office and he's passed me this transcript of an extraordinary conversation between TB and a secret advisor. I've no idea who the secret advisor is, but they have the codename "Mandy" - I've thus far been able to figure out who this is but any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

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TB: Hi Mandy, I'm off to Church with Cherie, fancy coming along?

Mandy: Why would I want to do that?

TB: It's great, you get a free sip of wine and when you die you go to Heaven

Mandy: Erm, Tony, I'm afraid to say that the Pope, you know the boss, is a bit of a stick in the mud. He's not really very keen on people who lead alternative lifestyles.

TB: That's terrible. What can we do?

Mandy: Why don't you ring him up and tell him that he'd increase his sunday takings by 10% if he dropped the ban on gays.

TB: That's a marvellous idea, I'll suggest it to the members at the next AGM

Mandy: Erm Tony, the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have an AGM. To get a vote, you need to be a Cardinal.

TB: That's terrible. I know, I'll ring up the Pope and suggest one member one vote. I wonder why he didn't think of that.

Mandy: Look Tony, even if the Pope agreed, the Cardinals wouldn't agree. They are all old men, who've never married, they are set in their ways.

TB: Well you're not married, I'll ring the Pope and tell him to make you a Cardinal. Then you can work on the others. We'll soon sort it out. You'd love Rome and those fantastic outfits.

Mandy: Tony, those outfits are terrible, so 1760's. I wouldn't be seen dead in one.

TB: Good point. Well once you're a Cardinal, you can get Jean Paul Gaultiere in to do a rebranding. I think Priests would look great in nice black polo shirts with, "Team Pope" on.

Mandy: Tony, you really have no idea do you?

TB: That's why I've got you.

Mandy: Look, before you ring up the Pope, let's float the ideas in the press.

TB: That's a fantastic idea, must shoot Cherie is giving me one of those looks.

Cherie: Hurry up twatboy, we're late for mass.
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Please note that the above conversation is a dramatic reconstruction of events that may or may not have happened. The Barnet Eye has been unable to verify the authenticity of the transcript, but felt that on this, the holiest day of the year, it may help you reflect on the issues and challenges facing us all in the next year.