Tell tale signs that your co worker may be Gay?

I have just found out that, after 49 years on the planet,  there is a very strong possibility I may be a homosexual. Whilst researching a follow up blog to the spat between two of our local MP's, Matthew Offord and Mike Freer over gay marriage, I came across a rather interesting website.Here are some of the 23 ways you can tell if your co-worker is gay. I have chosen only the ones which have caused me to question my own sexuality after reading them. The site is called http://christwire.org

My comments in italics
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The article is http://christwire.org/2011/05/23-tell-tale-signs-that-a-co-worker-may-be-a-closet-gay/

Do they insist on using a Mac?
Studies show Mac users are mostly gay. Both butt-cowboys and muff-munchers alike gravitate towards the shiny Apple logo of sin. If you notice one of these around your place of work you may want to go on alert. There is probably a homogay behind the screen. If you go anywhere near their desk they will probably try to sexually harass you if you are of the same sex, if not they will do nothing but scorn you as you have nothing to provide for their deviant sexual appetites. (yup, I own a MAC,wrote this blog on it)

Have they ever asked you to go to the theater?
Theater is a known homogay activity and if anyone of your same sex asks you to accompany them it is so they can drug and rape you when you fall asleep from sheer boredom. Many homogays try to attack co-workers in this fashion because it leaves the victim too shamed to seek help from the police, knowing that everyone at work will know they were penetrated by Bob from accounting. Don’t let this happen to your sweet Christian anal virginity. As many Christians already know, with a big enough Bible you can beat the gay right out of someone. (yup, I go to the theatre, I especially like musicals)

Do you often hear brags of excessive alcoholism?
Most homogays drink a lot. They even have bars where only homogays can go. When your co-workers brag about being intoxicated the night before mostly it is because they don’t go to church and have homogay in their hearts. They try to fill the void of Jesus in their souls and instead try to replace it with cheap rum, which then leads to unprotected anal homosex in cold parking lots on late drunken nights. Then it leads to unbearable shame. Shame leads to more drinking. More drinking leads to more anal sex. And so on, and so on… (yup, I drink too much beer, drinking beer has lead to unbearable shame on a number of occasions)

Is there vegetarian food in the office fridge?
Vegitarian food spells homogay clearer than fifteen foot letters on the side of a hill. A lack of protein in ones diet has been proven by various studies to cause gayness in both male and female subjects. Lest the gay invade your place of work, sneak tiny pieces of meat in the food container in hopes of countering the effect. If you feel it is already too late for that approach, all you have left is stocking the company fridge with holy ribs and bacon to counteract the smell of hippie.(yup, I follow a semi vegetarian diet and so does my wife, oh dear, I should have guessed)

When there is a birthday, does one person hog all the cake?
Gluttony is a sin and so is homogayness, and all sin goes hand in hand with each other. Especially because people tend to eat when they are depressed, and studies show that homogays often feel a certain shame about their lifestyle because God makes it that way and will try to eat a lot to compensate for the loss of self respect in their lives. If you notice one of your co-workers gorging themselves it is probably because they can’t stand the shame of being in the closet any longer. (yup, I'm  a greedy pig)

Does anyone use the term “FYI”?
FYI is a homogay term originally meant to mean “For Your Anus” but they didn’t know how to spell anus. This is because, and we have studies to back us up on this, the homogay infected brain is seen to have less activity in the creative areas, which control your ability to read and write properly. If you notice one of your co-workers using this terminology, inform them of their error. If they continue to use it anyways, pray to God to smite them with AIDS. (yup, I'm  use the term FYI, especially in emails)

Has anyone recently tried to steal your parking spot?
Gays have entitlement issues. When they see something they feel they should have, even though they haven’t earned it, they often just try to sneak in like a weasel and take it. The guys are more weaselish anyways. The lesbians just bulldog their way into things. They all have the same rainbow sticker somewhere on the back of their car amongst hordes of other environmental hippie gibberish that will only make you want to set fire to it. That stuff is there to mock people like you and me and our decent Christian ideals. It is best to leave this one alone, however, and park far away from them as they tend to wait around their cars after work looking for someone to rape. (yup, I've nicked peoples parking spots, I clearly have entitlement issues)
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Now as you may have gathered, the website may not be as completely serious as some other American websites on the subject.  Maybe I just have a sick sense of humour, but I do like humour that lampoons extremist views. Interestingly, perhaps more serious publications don't really seem to be any more helpful. The NHS website actually reports the following ( http://www.nhs.uk/news/2012/05may/Pages/gaydar-sense-can-predict-if-a-woman-is-gay.aspx )

The Daily Telegraph boldly and erroneously reports that “women really do have a 'gaydar' which allows them to tell someone's sexuality 'in the blink of an eye'”, while the Sun informs us that “most people have a ‘gaydar’”.

The NHS website concludes

Guessing another person’s sexuality can be a sensitive area. This study highlights the importance of not making snap decisions based on your own subjective judgement of someone else’s sexuality because of the high chance that you may be wrong.

Perhaps a more pertinent question should be "Who cares?". In my opinion, if you work with someone and suspect they are gay, even though they have never told you, then maybe you should consider the fact that you have a problem.They haven't shared their sexual preference with you and that is the end of the matter. It really is none of your business whatsoever.  Get over it.

Time to upset a few people

Am I alone in being a bit perplexed not only by Chris Graylings comments about owners of bed and breakfast establishments being able to ban gay couples, but also the reaction to it. If I book a room to stay somewhere, I don't really expect to have to fill out a questionairre about my sex life. It is not unknown for me to go off to watch football in far flung places, sometimes with mates. As these trips invariably involve large amounts of alcohol and maybe a curry afterwards, the requirement is for a cheap room to crash out in and a large greasy breakfast. It is not unusual on football tours for guys to room together (albiet in single beds). Why on earth does Mr Grayling think B&B owners should have a right to pry? If people are such committed Christians, should they also have the right to ban people who are unmarried, people who are committing adultery or even people who eat shellfish. All of these are also banned according to the bible. Christians cannot claim that they have a right to discriminate, because Jesus never said "Though shalt not rent a room in your B&B to a gay couple".

Having said all of that, I don't think his comments warrant the storm they have unleashed. If I was in a gay relationship, I would probably rather not give my business to someone who only allows me in the house because they are forced to by law. In some ways, if owners were allowed to discriminate, it would give people an option to give establishments a wide berth. If it was made crystal clear that the establishment wasn't gay friendly at time of booking to everyone, it would clearly put off far more people than just gay couples. I would say that a scenario where people have booked a room and then are turned away is a different matter as this causes hassle and stress.

On a side note, what I have never understood about the discrimination argument is why it is allowed the other way round. It doesn't really bother me that Gay hostels exist but having read the comments of the Stonewall spokesman about equality and unfairness in the press, how come he thinks these are OK? I tend to think that there should be one law for all.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

I read this article on the BBC website today, about the Pope worrying that the church might have to start appointing gay people to senior positions. You see I wasn't aware that there was such a ban. I just thought there was a requirement for all clergy (except for married ex Church of England Vicars) to be Celibate, be they gay or straight.

I've no idea if it's true, but years ago, I was told that historically, the Priesthood was seen as a good career for gay Catholics. There was a good reason for this. Priests traditionally are most likely to come into our lives at times of great stress, when we are emotionally vulnerable. Historically with the man of the house going off to fight wars or spending long days working, a Priest who was heterosexual would find himself in a position of huge temptation and with ample opportunity to take advantage of it. Society was far more comfortable with a priesthood who were "not interested". Who knows what they got up to elsewhere? I don't see it as our business one way or the other, so long as they were providing a service to the community.

To this day, many Priests have problems with Alcohol. I happen to believe that this is often due to the unbearable stress of sexual frustration and associated guilt. If I had to lead a celibate life, I'm sure I'd have drunk myself to death years ago. There are many aspects of equality which many people are uncomfortable with. For example, I am far from convinced that the legislation which forced the Catholic Adoption agency to stop placing children, due to the requirement to treat gay couples equally, really was something which benefitted society, especially when there were plenty of agencies which were available and provided the service. Would I have a case for discrimination if I approached a specialist gay dating agency and demanded that they fix me up with a woman? I'm a Roman Catholic, my children have been brought up in the faith, but as I married in a registry office and didn't receive a Church blessing, I don't take communion. I don't feel discriminated against for this. It's the rules of the club.

Society has a bizarre attitude to sex. England may change captains, because the current one chose to put his plonker where it shouldn't have gone. Tiger Woods has lost millions of pounds worth of sponsorship for his "virility". The news is full of stories of other footballers with "super injunctions". To be honest, I don't care what people do in their own homes, behind closed doors, so long as it is consensual and between adults. It's none of my business. I'd much rather the Pope trusted us and allowed us to follow our conscience in these matters. If someone says one thing and then does something else, that is an issue, but if they just get on with their job, who cares. In the good old days, you'd hear old biddies on street corners saying "Oh, that Fr O'Murphy, he's a lovely man" and you know full well what they meant. No one cared.

Is the Pope a Catholic? I do wonder sometimes.

Tomorrow's great question : Does the bear crap in the woods?

The Barnet Eye Saturday Quiz : How Homophobic are you?

Nick Griffin, Leader of the BNP reckons that everyone goes Yuk when they see two gay people kissing.
This idea intrigued me, so I thought I'd let you test yourself with a "How Homophobic are you" quiz.

Usual Barnet Eye Quiz structure. For answer A - Ten points, B - Five Points and C - Zero Points.
Ten questions.
Results :- If you get 0 out of 100 you are probably Peter Tatchell and if you get 100 out of 100 You are probably Nick Griffin. If you get somewhere in the middle, then you are somewhere in between.

1. Should Homosexual sex between consenting Adults be illegal.

A - Yes Always, B - Only if they are ugly, C - Never

2. If a family member rang you from America and said they were coming on their honeymoon to visit you and would like to stay at your house. They then tell you their spouse is the same sex, would you

A - Slam down the phone with a stream of abuse, B - Say you'd love to see them and suggest a Hotel, C - Say great, stay as long as you like.

3. Would you enjoy watching a Film with two men kissing :-

A - No, I'd always turn off the channel, B - Yes, if it was a good film and the kiss was in Context, C - Yes, especially if it was a Gay Porn film.

4. If your son came out as Gay would you?

A - Cut all ties forever,  B - Support him, but be sad, C - be happy that he is able to share this with you

5. Would you feel uncomfortable if  your childs teacher was openly homosexual

A - Yes, I'd change school, B - No, but I'd be more vigilant, C - Not bothered at all

6. Your Best friend tells you they have been living a lie and are gay. Would you?

A -End the friendship immediately, B - stay in touch, but be less friendly, C - It would make no difference

7. You find your Grandads war diary. In it you read that he had a sexual relationship with another man and enjoyed it, Would you

A - Feel that he was a family disgrace, B - Not be bothered one way or the other, C - feel happy that he had enjoyed it

8. An openly gay person starts work with you. Do you?

A - Shun them as much as possible. B - treat them like anyone else. C - Think "Fantastic, we need some life in this place"

9. You go for a meal with your spouse. At the next table, two guys are on the next table openly but not noisily flirting. Do you?

A - Ask for a different table, B - carry on with dinner, it doesn't bother you, C - Listen intently to what they are up to

10 - Your child comes home and tells you they are in trouble for calling a class mate a "F**ing QU***". Do you?

A - Pat them on the head and double their pocket money, B - Tell them to behave in future and not use such horrible terms. C -  Call them a disgrace to the family and impose a harsh punishment.

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So how did you get on? I'm not going to make any suggestions at all, but I'd suggest that you think whether your score is what you'd hoped.

Brian Coleman, homophobia, bullying and emotional dyslexia

Following on from my post last week about the spat between Brian Coleman and John Biggs at the GLA, I've had a few emails which have cast a very interesting light on the personality of Brian Coleman and why he reacts in the way he does. This post isn't really about Mr Coleman at all, but in light of what I've read, I have to say my perception of him has changed somewhat. Scarlett did  a great blog about rejecting hate. This got me thinking. Brian Coleman is the same age as me - 47 - and he went to school a couple of miles from where I went. He was at QE Boys. Back in the 1970's when we both attended school, the environment was rather less benign for gays than it is today. I don't know what the atmosphere was like at QE boys, but at Finchley Catholic High School, it would have been virtually impossible to have been openly gay and not been on the end of sustained, vicious and extremely violent bullying. In the first year at school, one guy in our class got an erection in the changing rooms at PE. The result? He was beaten up and departed to St Ignatious. Our view of the situation as boys? We were pleased to be rid of him. In the fourth year, the school embarked on a sex education program. In one of the other classes in our year, the teacher told the boys that it was time to have a mature discussion about sex. He asked all the boys who regularly masterbate to put their hands up. One guy's hand shot straight up. To his horror, every other hand stayed down. He realised he'd made a terrible mistake. Within a couple of hours the word had gone round "Did you know that ***** ****** is a W**ker. He admitted it". Years later I discussed it with an old schoolmate and we both agreed that at the time our thought was "Why was he so stupid as to put his hand up" and that he deserved the hell he received on that basis alone. One of my best mates at Finchley and the guy who formed the band with me, Pete Conway, suffered 3 years of torment, as another guy had alleged that he sexually propositioned him. Pete was a very bright guy, but he had a terrible time. He was virtually shunned and he was seen as fair game for anyone who needed a punchbag. A couple of years after I left the school, I bumped into the guy who'd spread the rumour, in a pub. I asked him if what he'd said was true. As Pete had been his best mate at the time, it had been widely believed. He admitted he'd made the story up and said that he was ashamed of himself. He said that he'd said it as a joke and then felt he couldn't tell the truth. So if there are any ex Finchley boys out there who heard that story, now you know the truth.

I never, ever discussed the story with Pete. Our friendship effectively ended when he left the band in 1980. It's fair to say that he had a fair number of problems and issues. I attribute them all to the bullying he suffered. Having been raised in such a homophobic environment, it's fair to say that those attitudes were fairly deeply embedded in my personality when I left Finchley Catholic High School in 1978. I went to Orange Hill Senior High School to finish my education. That had a fair more liberal atmosphere. I was amazed to find that in our year, there was an openly gay guy who was accepted and not bullied at all (as far as I could see). At first, I couldn't understand how he was tolerated. I soon realised that maybe I was the one who had issues. Through music I soon met quite a few other openly gay people (which was a brave thing to be in the late 70's early 80's). One day, after a few beers, I asked about it. The answer shocked me "We'll you know how you look at attractive girls and get aroused? I don't, that happens with blokes instead". He went on to explain - "How would you feel if society insisted that you had sex with people you didn't find attractive and you were beaten up for just mentioning that you did find someone attractive. Would you feel that that was OK?". He went on to explain that most gays lead double lives, are hellishly miserable, try and suppress their feelings, take macho jobs where they can take their sexual frustrations out in other ways, often violently. He explained "Just suppose you were in constant fear that you'd get beaten up, because of the way you walk, talk, look at people, react to people. You soon learn to hide your emotions, suppress your feelings and erase all signs of your true nature to the outside world". He then explained (I don't know if this is true) that "Gay Rage" is an accepted defense in the courts of law. Basically, if you are a straight man and another man propositions you, you are allowed to beat them up, because you've suffered "Gay Rage".

What I hadn't really given any thought at all to, until I read a certain email I received recently, is what the long term effects of all this may be on the kids who were gay and were bullied at school. Brian Coleman is to be commended for the fact that he came out and is honest about his sexuality. What none of us can no for certain though, is how the repressive environment of the 70's would affect people. I was discussing this earlier in the week with a friend who is gay and they say that many gays develop a sort of "emotional dyslexia". In other words, they subconsciously misinterpret other people's actions and intentions as a form of defence mechanism. If you were worried about violence and bullying from people who may perceive you in a certain way, you automatically react in a very defensive/aggresive manner. You get your retaliation in first, be it verbally or physically.

Having thought very long and hard about this blog, and talked to a fair few people to sound out their opinions, the conclusions I have drawn are these. We can never allow schools to become places of violence, intolerance and bullying.  We have to, as a society, insist on the complete eradication of such behaviour. Playground insults for the bully pass as soon as they've left the lips. For the victim, they can last a lifetime. Next time I hear Brian Coleman sounding off at the British Olympic team, Lynne Featherstone or John Biggs, I'm afraid to say all I'll see is a small, vulnerable boy in a big school playground, desperately trying to fight off a bigger, nastier, scarier boy who has been tormenting the life out of him. I think that this is where the seeds of his behaviour were sown. What I had taken for so long to be arrogance, I actually now see as vulnerability. What I saw as rudeness I now see as defensiveness. Sadly in the case of Brian Coleman, I think that old axiom that "the biggest bullies were bullied themselves" is true.

I just hope we can move towards a society where we allow people to live their lives away from fear, hatred and persecution, whatever it's nature. I hope Brian Coleman reads this and the penny drops. He's a man of power and influence. The best way he could strike back at those playground bullies, is to work towards a fair and just society, where that little boy in the playground is happy and carefree.

The encylcopedia for (Conservative) idiots

Imagine my deep joy. I've found an encycolpedia full of information that is, shall we say, rather different to that which more mainstream encyclopedia's contain.


Want to know why Evolution is wrong?

Want to know why the Universe wasn't created in a Big Bang?


Want to know why Creationism is right?


Want to know why Global Warming doesn't exist or if it does it's a marvellous thing?

Yup, well if you do WWW.CONSERVAPEDIA.COM is the place for you. Don't Call Me Dave has been saying for a while that Barnet Council's Tories have lost touch with Conservative values. I thought that maybe they should check this "Bible of Conservatism" out. Anyway I thought I'd give you a little tour of the highlights.

There are some fascinating "Facts" which I learned on Conservapedia, as Conservapedia claims to be the Trustworthy encylopedia, I'm sure y'all be fascinated :-

Noah lived 350 more years before dying at the age of 950. All people alive today must be descendants of Noah and his family

In relation to homosexuality and smoking, the recent medical literature states the homosexual men and lesbians in the United States have significantly higher rates of cigarette smoking than heterosexual

The abstract for this study indicated that "lesbians are at greater risk for morbidity and mortality linked to overweight and obesity.

Sadly for such a useful resource, there are a few facts that this Encylopedia For Conservatives doesn't contain. For example :-

The entry for ICELAND doesn't tell you that Conservative Barnet Council lost the family silver investing in dodgy banks there

Having said that, the section on how to be a Conservative  is rather interesting. I'd recommend that the likes of Mike Freer and Brian Coleman read it, they may find this brand of Conservatism rather. I do wonder if David Cameron considers himself a Conservative if these are the criteria.

Interestingly (assuming it's true) there is a rather fascinating entry about David Cameron. There is a cracking quote from Norman Tebbit :-

Tebbit said: "Is he the party's Chairman Mao or Pol Pot, intent on purging even the memory and name of Thatcherism before building a new modern compassionate green globally aware party somewhere on the left side of the middle?"

There are many things about this site which are hilarious, but for a site which professes to promote Free Speech and truth, rule 7 is the best :-

 The senseless changing of American to British spellings may result in blocking.

So there you go. If you want to find out how to be a proper Conservative, you know where to look. 

Casting out the gay demon

A quite bizarre story on the Daily Mail website. It concerns a Connecticut church, where an exorcism was performed on gay adolescent. Time constraints (I'm doing a gig tonight) prevent me from discussing this in too much detail. There are just a couple of points to make.

1) If the boy is still gay following the exorcism, will the congregation of the Church be asking for their money back?

2) If the poor boy suffers trauma as a result of his experiences, will he be able to sue all of those who took part.

If exorcism really was the "cure for homosexuality", we'd be living in a very different world, believe me. You know, I was brought up to believe that God has a plan and he made us all the way we are for a reason. That is why I believe that prejudice and intolerance are wrong. I most certainly don't believe that exorcism is something where audience participation & you tube videos are acceptable.

Just remember this before you criticise "Protestors"

Who would you say was the best Prime Minister of the last 50 years? I suspect that if you are a Tory, you'd say Margaret Thatcher. Just suppose Lady T had been born 100 years before, would she have done so well in her chosen career? The answer to that is NO. The reason? Women didn't have the vote. Why did this change? Because of the Suffragette movement. My sadly missed cousin & film director Midge MacKenzie made a documentary series about these inspirational women which was shown on the BBC in the 1970's called Shoulder to Shoulder. At the time, the suffragettes were dismissed rather harshly in the same tones as the G20 protestors. Who was right?

Let me ask you a different question. Do you think that Ireland (the south, not the north) should be under British rule? I don't think we'd find too many takers for yes these days. My cousin, Kevin Barry would be 107 if he was still alive today. The British Government executed him when he was 18 years old for his part in the struggle to free Ireland. He's fondly remembered by the family and by millions of Irish across the world.


Was Kevin right to oppose the British Occupation? I'd say that most people these days would agree that he was.

What about the US involvement in Vietnam? Were the anti war protestors right to campaign against the awful US policy. Here's a clip of Country Joe MacDonald singing his famous anti war song "The Fish Cheer" at Woodstock. I don't know how often a bloke on his own with a guitar had such a seminal effect, but every time I watch this clip it sends shivers down my spine. Joe MacDonald had served with the US army in Korea, so he knew. This song is, in my humble opinion, the greatest ever protest song.



Lets look a bit closer to home, in Barnet. Several leading members of Barnet Council are "out" Homosexuals. In this day and age that is fine, they are chosen on their merits and righly their sexuality is not an issue for the voters. Rather like Margaret Thatcher, had they been born 100 years earlier, they would have had a rather different life. They would have been faced with the choice of living a secret life or facing jail. Why has the situation changed? Because of protest groups such as Stonewall. It is worth remembering that it was only in the 1980's that Peter Tatchell lost a safe Labour seat, purely because he was gay. How many people in 2009 think that Homosexuality should be illegal? Why has it changed? Because of protestors.

I saw a comment from some Barnet politician, who's name escapes me right now, that the majority of right thinking people were repelled by the G20 protestors. Time will tell as to who is right about this one. I've no idea what a right thinking person is, but by I suspect that by the definition he uses, it is probably someone who events prove to be wrong. I'm rather happy to be a wrong thinking person !

The Blair Pope Project

As it's Good Friday I thought I'd look at Tony Blair's proposal that the Pope should get with it and modernise. Good old TB has only been a Roman Catholic for five minutes but he's already telling the Pope how to run the show (some things never change).

Tony's message - dump the old policies, modernise, make the Church punter friendly. Unpopular policies? Ditch them. I don't doubt that soon we'll all be "New Roman Catholics" I've no idea what clause 4 of Canon Law is but I'm sure Tony will soon be asking the Cardinals to ditch it. Now it may surprise you to hear this but I have a mole in TB's private office and he's passed me this transcript of an extraordinary conversation between TB and a secret advisor. I've no idea who the secret advisor is, but they have the codename "Mandy" - I've thus far been able to figure out who this is but any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

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TB: Hi Mandy, I'm off to Church with Cherie, fancy coming along?

Mandy: Why would I want to do that?

TB: It's great, you get a free sip of wine and when you die you go to Heaven

Mandy: Erm, Tony, I'm afraid to say that the Pope, you know the boss, is a bit of a stick in the mud. He's not really very keen on people who lead alternative lifestyles.

TB: That's terrible. What can we do?

Mandy: Why don't you ring him up and tell him that he'd increase his sunday takings by 10% if he dropped the ban on gays.

TB: That's a marvellous idea, I'll suggest it to the members at the next AGM

Mandy: Erm Tony, the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have an AGM. To get a vote, you need to be a Cardinal.

TB: That's terrible. I know, I'll ring up the Pope and suggest one member one vote. I wonder why he didn't think of that.

Mandy: Look Tony, even if the Pope agreed, the Cardinals wouldn't agree. They are all old men, who've never married, they are set in their ways.

TB: Well you're not married, I'll ring the Pope and tell him to make you a Cardinal. Then you can work on the others. We'll soon sort it out. You'd love Rome and those fantastic outfits.

Mandy: Tony, those outfits are terrible, so 1760's. I wouldn't be seen dead in one.

TB: Good point. Well once you're a Cardinal, you can get Jean Paul Gaultiere in to do a rebranding. I think Priests would look great in nice black polo shirts with, "Team Pope" on.

Mandy: Tony, you really have no idea do you?

TB: That's why I've got you.

Mandy: Look, before you ring up the Pope, let's float the ideas in the press.

TB: That's a fantastic idea, must shoot Cherie is giving me one of those looks.

Cherie: Hurry up twatboy, we're late for mass.
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Please note that the above conversation is a dramatic reconstruction of events that may or may not have happened. The Barnet Eye has been unable to verify the authenticity of the transcript, but felt that on this, the holiest day of the year, it may help you reflect on the issues and challenges facing us all in the next year.