Gavin Williamsons real job - Decoy in chief

 I had a theory about why Tony Blair had John Prescott as his Deputy Prime Minister. Back in 2014, I revealed what I thought Prescott's real job was "To me he is simply a middle class John Prescott. Most people remember Prescott as a bumbling stooge of a deputy Prime Minister, the buffoon to who acted as a merkin whilst Tony Blair did the real dirty business of government. " Many people got in touch to say that for the first time, they realised why Prescott was kept on.

Yesterday, Twitter went mad with a whole load of humourous posts following Williamson allegedly accidental mistaking of Maro Itoge for Marcus Rashford. 

Gavin Williamson accepting his Twat of the Year award from Imelda Staunton. pic.twitter.com/jQvvcGiQI4

— Lady Cornflake 🇪🇺🇬🇧 (@LadyCornflake) September 9, 2021

The more I thought about it, the less likely it was that I could conceive that this was a real error. Politics is a dirty business. It was PMQ's and Boris was getting hammered for breaking two key election promises. I've met Maro Itoge on many occasions. He grew up in Mill Hill and is a regular at our church. He has given motivational speeches to local teenagers organised by the Church. You don't miss him. 

It could not be clearer that the whole thing was cooked up to get us looking the other way about the election promises being broken. It worked. I think many underrate the Machiavellian streak in Johnson, keeping on useless incompetents, happy to do his bidding when necessary. I'm sure Boris would consider it a bonus that Rashford, who massively embarrassed him, was insulted. That is the Tory Party of today.

Saturday 2nd June - John Cooper Clarke at Stoke Newington Literary Festival

On Monday 4th June, John Cooper Clarke is doing a gig at Stoke Newington Literary festival. JCC is brilliant. His poem TWAT is one of my favourite pieces of work. Last night I was picking up my daughter from swimming and she mentioned her disdain for poetry. I asked if she'd ever heard the works of John Cooper Clarke and she sneered. When we arrived home, I got her to watch this YouTube clip of JCC (She's 16 and old enough)



There is also a great interview in the Guardian:-

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2012/may/29/john-cooper-clarke-punk-poet-interview?newsfeed=true

Perhaps the finest quote from the article

Tony Blair or John Prescott? OK, take the piss out of John Prescott if you like, but who would you rather wake up next to: Pauline or Cherie? Pauline looks like Elizabeth Taylor at her peak. What a goddess. Beautiful!

The best thing about JCC is the fact he doesn't stand for bullshitters. I'm all for a punk rock mentality in such matters and am eternally grateful that I was a teenager in the late 1970's when these attitudes prevailed.

From the Festival Website

Saturday, June 2 at 7:30 PM
STOKE NEWINGTON LITERARY FESTIVAL 2012: John Cooper Clarke : Stoke Newington Literary Festival / with Simon Day
at Stoke Newington Town Hall

John Cooper Clarke’s biting, satirical, political and very funny verse delivered in his rapid-fire performance style has been influential from the days of the punk movement in the late 70s right through to today’s pop culture. Alex Turner of the Arctic Monkeys cites JCC as a huge inspiration and John’s work appears on the sleeve of one of their singles. 3 of his poems are now in the GCSE syllabus. John will be on stage at 9pm, following the support act.

Barnets MPs. Initially a problem?

As I am feeling mightily P****d off due to poor goalkeeping (being a City fan, I knew Capello should have picked Joe Hart), I thought I'd give you all something to have a mild chuckle about (well it made me laugh). Have you ever thought about our MP's initials? For example, Gordon Brown was well placed to be prime minister, being "GB". Can we assume that David Cameron will be the most relaxed Tory Prime Minister about homosexuality as he's "DC"? No section 28 legislation from him. Many Tories think Tony Blair was a dose of TB to British politics. John Major was as much a non event with his initials as his Prime Ministership. Mind you it doesn't always work like that. Winston Churchill wasn't exactly Toilet as a leader. Which brings us on to our local MP's. Now Theresa Villiers is a TV. This amuses me as I've always found her to be a bit of a drag when she actually speaks. She has a delivery which makes the speaking clock sound sexy and exciting. As to Matthew Offord. MO is the term in the army for a Doctor or Medical Orderly. Offord has always reminded me as Jim Dale in Carry On Doctor. A bit wet behind the ears. I was having a look at Offords website and he has the slightly unnerving look of a doctor who you don't quite trust -"Well Mrs Jones, I'm not quite sure whether you have Lung Cancer or Lumbago". Finally we have Mike Freer. Now in America, MF is quite a nasty insult. I'm not going to  argue with the Yanks on this one.

Tony Blair and Lynne Hillan - two sides of the same coin

Ask yourself this. Tony Blair led Labour to three election victories. Which of these policies were in his manifesto? :-

Capital punishment
Unlimited detention of suspects without trial or judicial process
Circumvention of international law

Regardless of whether you agree with these policies or not, they were all introduced under Tony Blair. You see under the British mandate in Iraq all of these things have happened. Whatever you think of the invasion, whatever you think of Tony Blair, all of these things have happened in Iraq. We were part of the coalition which deposed Saddam Hussein, we wrote the new rulebook and constitution. We did the same thing in Germany at the end of WWII. Even this week, Chemical Ali was hung. We put together the new Iraqi constitution. We are responsible. You may think he deserved it. That isn't the argument. The point is that we deposed a government, imposed a new one and allowed things to happen there, which we banned long ago in this country.

The problem with Tony Blair is that he didn't think "the law" applied to him and his little adventures. He totally believes he was right, so the law didn't matter. Having read the comments by the Leader of Barnet Council, Lynne Hillan, with regards to national law applying to local authorities, sadly it seems she's afflicted with the same syndrome. She's lobbying to make an incoming Conservative Government let Council Leaders make up their own laws.

It seems to me that the most dangerous disease on the planet is "Leaderitis". This is where you decide that because you are leader, you know best. The unfortunate symptoms range from invading Iraq, to scrapping sheltered housing wardens. The most unfortunate effect is that people suffer. Other people.

Winston Churchill is still alive !

I bumped into one of my old friends today. Let's just say he has some rather bonkers interesting theories on the way the Country is run. Whilst you or I might believe that Gordon Brown*/David Cameron* (delete as appropriate) are useless, evil barons, set on a mission to destroy the economy, my friend believes that there is no such thing as democracy and it's all just a "front" to suppress us. I've got to say that normally I don't subscribe to these conspiracy theories. Human nature is such that we like gossiping, we always have a resentment of our boss and highly driven psychotic types who would enact such a conspiracy generally don't have a good track at all working harmoniously.

Having said that, his latest crackpot interesting theory was just so bonkers interesting that I felt I had to share it with you. "You know Winston Churchill is still alive and they are going to install him as a puppet leader". I pointed out that he was in his 90's when he died. They didn't have the technology back then to reverse old age and as far as I know they still don't. "No, no, no you've got it all wrong. They took cells from him while he was still alive and they have cloned him. The cells are not a copy of Winston Churchill, they are Winston Churchill". A quick visit to Wiki told me that the first Tadpole had successfully been cloned in 1952, around the time that Winston Churchill was back in charge at No 10. Can you imagine the conversation "Prime Minister, we've come up with a spiffing idea to ensure that we beat the Nazi's if they ever come back. They've successfully cloned a tadpole, so we thought if we took a few cells from you, we could clone you and you could run the Country forever". The mind boggles at what Winston Churchills response would be.

My friend believes that this replacement Winston Churchill was cloned at Porton Down and is around 25 years old. He's been educated at a special institute where the Establishment train up such people for the grand master plan, which is the re-establishment of the British empire. It got me to thinking  - Would Winston Churchill be the great wartime Leader he became if he'd been hothoused in a special establishment school, rather than lead a swashbuckling life travelling the world. Would Winston Churchill have been the biggest critic of the awful policies of the Nazis and their master race creed if he'd been brought up being told he was the saviour of the free world? When it comes to making great leaders is it nature or nurture, genes or life experience?

My friend looked rather puzzled when I asked which other leaders have been cloned. Just imagine a whole army of Maggie Thatchers, Tony Blairs, John Majors and Gordon Browns being brewed up as we speak. As I got home, an awful thought struck me. Just suppose that at the "establishment institute" where the clones are schooled, the Tony Blair clone and the Maggie Thatcher clone got together and procreated? Now I'm scared.

If I mysteriously disappear tonight off the face of the earth and this blog is mysteriously removed, you'll know that my good friend was on to something.

This isn't a banana republic, so why do tolerate coup d'etat's?

Unlike many people on the left, I'm happy to concede that there are areas of policy where the Conservatives have much to offer. I'd even go as far as to say that changes of government are healthy for the political process and are a great way to prevent complacency and corruption. Given that it's pretty clear that Gordon Brown's government has run out of steam, you may wonder how I view the prospect of a Cameron government?


I'm rather worried by the prospect. I've detailed my fear before. It seems I was closer to the mark than I realised. This report in Todays Observer details how some of Camerons top generals want to get rid of the NHS. They see it as "no longer relevant to the 21st Century".

I take David Cameron's statements regarding the NHS at face value. He's seen it 1st hand at it's best with his disabled son. I don't believe that anyone can't be moved by such an experience. I have heard talk that some on the right have realised this and see Cameron as an obsticle to their plans to "transform" Great Britain. They see Cameron as a useful front man to win an election, as the acceptable face of Conservatism. They know that the public will never go for abolition of the NHS, so they have to get in, then do a "Mike Freer" and axe the leader and replace him with someone more "ideologically sound".

You may think this is scaremongering, but consider this. Ted Heath was the last leader of a party (until Brown) not to face either a Leadership contest or be knobbled. Wilson resigned - Callaghan took over, then lost an election to Thatcher. Thatcher was booted out by the Tories and replaced by Major. Major called a leadership contest after winning an election to try and stem the backstabbing. Strangely enough for a man derided as weak and indecisive, he won the contest. He lost the next election to Blair. Blair was knobbled by Brown.

In Great Britain, electing a leader is no guarantee whatsoever that he'll actually see out a term of Government. I think that a law should be passed whereby if a party replaces it's leader, a general election Must be held within 6 months.

If Brown had worked under these constraints, strangely enough, he'd have won and would lead the country with authority. I'd tolerate a Cameron government, if he wins an election. It's called democracy and it's the only form of Government I trust. I also fully understand why Tories despise unelected Gordon Brown. When some right wing nutcase slips the stiletto into David Camerons back, so he can abolish the NHS, the saddest thing is that he'll claim his legitimacy based on the actions of Gordon Brown.

I have one last question. How many of these leaders, who've come to power via palace coup's have done a good job? How many of them have left their party in a fit state to manage a whelk stall, let alone a country. Whatever you thought of Thatcher and Blair, at least they got there by fair means. My question - This isn't a banana republic, so why do tolerate coup d'etat's?

**** John Prescott

John Prescott has the hump because News International may have hacked his mobile phone.

Big ****ing deal. Lets remind ourself what John Prescott did from 1997-2007. He was deputy Prime Minister. Did he get the hump about the RIPA legislation? This supposedly anti terrorism law has been used to catch people letting their dogs foul the footpath. It is a tool of intimidation for many Councils. Did Prescott get thehump about it when he was in power?

Did he get the hump about the complicty of MI5 operatives in torture of British citizens by foreign governments?

Did he get the hump about dodgy intelligence dossiers being used to justify invasions of foreign sovereign country's in the House of Commons?

Did he get the hump over the fact that the government, through GCHQ can read any Internet communication they like, can listen to any phone call and intercept any email?

Did he get the hump when people who he knew had done nothing, were held for years in Guantanamo Bay by the US authorities, purely as a fig leaf for the failed President George Bush.

Sure I accept that the world is a better place withour Saddam Hussein, I accept that sometimes our civil liberties will have to take second place to National security issues, but the British Government has gone way beyond what is reasonable in achieving it's aims. Prescott may not like the fact that the News of The World made him look like a plonker on many occasion, but surely the justification he used time and time again for all of his lousy decisions holds true. If he wasn't up to anything dodgy he had nothing to fear from the surveillance.

I despise the standards and ethics of the News International group, but John Prescott was Tony Blairs figleaf. Without his active participation, keeping Old Labour onside and in check, maybe we'd have got the Government we thought we'd voted for in 1997. I don't have a big problem with Tony Blair. He was following his instincts. John Prescott wasn't. he took the Kings shilling and forgot his principles. If he doesn't like the feeling that his texts were read and his private conversations were listened to, he's in good company with everyone else who's suffered as a result of these practices. I'm sorry, but sometimes it's nice to see people get a taste of their own medicine, however harsh that may sound.

The Blair Pope Project

As it's Good Friday I thought I'd look at Tony Blair's proposal that the Pope should get with it and modernise. Good old TB has only been a Roman Catholic for five minutes but he's already telling the Pope how to run the show (some things never change).

Tony's message - dump the old policies, modernise, make the Church punter friendly. Unpopular policies? Ditch them. I don't doubt that soon we'll all be "New Roman Catholics" I've no idea what clause 4 of Canon Law is but I'm sure Tony will soon be asking the Cardinals to ditch it. Now it may surprise you to hear this but I have a mole in TB's private office and he's passed me this transcript of an extraordinary conversation between TB and a secret advisor. I've no idea who the secret advisor is, but they have the codename "Mandy" - I've thus far been able to figure out who this is but any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

----------------------------------------------------------

TB: Hi Mandy, I'm off to Church with Cherie, fancy coming along?

Mandy: Why would I want to do that?

TB: It's great, you get a free sip of wine and when you die you go to Heaven

Mandy: Erm, Tony, I'm afraid to say that the Pope, you know the boss, is a bit of a stick in the mud. He's not really very keen on people who lead alternative lifestyles.

TB: That's terrible. What can we do?

Mandy: Why don't you ring him up and tell him that he'd increase his sunday takings by 10% if he dropped the ban on gays.

TB: That's a marvellous idea, I'll suggest it to the members at the next AGM

Mandy: Erm Tony, the Roman Catholic Church doesn't have an AGM. To get a vote, you need to be a Cardinal.

TB: That's terrible. I know, I'll ring up the Pope and suggest one member one vote. I wonder why he didn't think of that.

Mandy: Look Tony, even if the Pope agreed, the Cardinals wouldn't agree. They are all old men, who've never married, they are set in their ways.

TB: Well you're not married, I'll ring the Pope and tell him to make you a Cardinal. Then you can work on the others. We'll soon sort it out. You'd love Rome and those fantastic outfits.

Mandy: Tony, those outfits are terrible, so 1760's. I wouldn't be seen dead in one.

TB: Good point. Well once you're a Cardinal, you can get Jean Paul Gaultiere in to do a rebranding. I think Priests would look great in nice black polo shirts with, "Team Pope" on.

Mandy: Tony, you really have no idea do you?

TB: That's why I've got you.

Mandy: Look, before you ring up the Pope, let's float the ideas in the press.

TB: That's a fantastic idea, must shoot Cherie is giving me one of those looks.

Cherie: Hurry up twatboy, we're late for mass.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Please note that the above conversation is a dramatic reconstruction of events that may or may not have happened. The Barnet Eye has been unable to verify the authenticity of the transcript, but felt that on this, the holiest day of the year, it may help you reflect on the issues and challenges facing us all in the next year.

G20 - I just cant be angry today

It's fair to say that the protests against G20 have been rather muted. Given the chaos in the financial markets, this may seem rather strange. Even my most militant friends are struggling to get worked into a frenzy. I was discussing this yesterday and I've come to the conclusion that with Bush and Blair gone, it is just so much harder to get worked up. People are so relieved to see the back of the undynamic duo, that they just haven't got the energy for a good riot. The consensus is that Obama is a breath of fresh air and he might make things a bit better. As such it's a bit pointless going out to complain. I'm not saying that the many groups out making their point were wrong, far from it, but it does seem to me that at the moment people don't have the energy to protest at these leaders.

Perhaps the most interesting contrast was with the recent community meetings to discuss Barnet Council's warden cuts. There is certainly energy here for a fight. At the recent meeting, I bumped into a friends dad. Bill now lives in one of the sheltered homes. He explained the work of wardens. Bill is angry, the other residents are angry. Whatever conclusions you may draw from the muted G20 protests, don't be fooled into thinking that people won't come out when they are enraged. I think it's something to do with the British Psyche. We only get cross when there is something to get cross about. Whilst we are prepared to give Obama a chance, we will fight the injustice of warden cuts like tigers !