It’s hard to have faith in anything anymore

 Certainty must be a wonderful thing. Sadly, having reached the age of 62, I’m really not certain about anything. I was raised a Roman Catholic, and although I still go to mass, it should be clear to anyone that the men running the church have massively failed us. My own experience of priests has generally been good. As a kid I was an alter server at the Sacred Heart and never had any problems. In fact my memories are pretty good. At FCHS we had a dodgy chaplain, who disappeared fairly quickly after boys reported inappropriate touching. Happily for me, I never had the problem. It is pretty clear that he was simply moved somewhere else and probably carried on. It was ‘never spoken about’. I now find it horrific.You may wonder why I still go? The reasons are complex. I am superstitious and I believe it keeps me lucky to be in with him upstairs. Also I find that having an hours contemplation a week has positive effects on my wellbeing. But most of all, I need something to hold on to in these difficult times. I like the stability of doing the same thing my ancestors did a thousand years ago.

I hear all you cynics, I am in many ways a cynic myself, but one who recognises that there is so much we don’t know and don’t understand that there is room for faith. I am also pretty tribal and feel loyalty, however misplaced to my tribe, however flawed it may be. I feel the same about football.For years, my team Manchester City were rubbish. I felt good being a supporter because it proved I had faith. I have more doubts now they are the best team in the world. I’ve often wondered if Jesus returned in a blaze of triumphal glory, if that would be the moment doubts set in?

I had a twenty year period from 14 to 34 where I identified as atheist, but in truth I was lying to myself as I lacked the  courage to justify the unjustifiable to the world. Not the failings of the Church, I’d never do that, but the idea of believing in something that on the face of it is ridiculous to a non believer. Mostly this was because I’m too thick and inarticulate to do it convincingly. Now my justification is it works for me and that’s all I need’. When I see the likes of Trump supporting Americans, I think they are bonkers, but I get it. They are following a strange gut instinct and it’s not rational. Who am I to criticise? It’s hard to have faith, but sometimes harder not to.