Having spent most of yesterday dancing and drinking at The London International Ska Festival, I awake in a strangely reflective mood. I had a very odd dream. I was in a rather good pub, having a beer and a chat with a mate of mine. He suddenly revealed his true personal. He was the devil. Yes, I was having a beer and a friendly chat with a mate and I had just learned that in fact he was Satan ( I won't tell you which mate it was, and I certainly was surprised). Oddly though, our nice friendly chat continued. He then said "You do realise that the Earth is my realm, it says so in the Bible?". He then explained that if you look where Satan tempts Jesus in the desert, he clearly states that he has realm over all of the Earth and Jesus does not dispute this. I then said "That's all good, but why are you having a beer with me?". His reply? "Even Satan needs to chill and have a beer occasionally". He then said "I will offer you a gift, absolutely free, I don't want your soul or anything like that. But what I will do is give you a day with someone you loved, who has passed away, or I will give you a million pounds in cash, which will secure your families finances for the future, which do you want?". At that moment, at 4am, my neighbour started banging nails into the wall and woke me up. I never got to choose. But it was a very disturbing dream. There is nothing I'd like more than to spend a day with my Dad, who died when I was 24 and I really didn't spend enough time with. But a million pounds would pay off the mortgage and buy a flat for each of my kids, giving them financial independence. Putting to one side, the fact that any deal with the devil comes with strings, the dilemma has troubled me. My initial feeling was the day with Dad, but I know he'd be saying to me "Take the cash son!". I suppose this is what happens when you drink too much and eat cheese when you get home. I also wonder what will happen when I next see my mate? It really was very vivid.
My Dad always said to me "In life, you always have choices, but sometimes none are pleasant and you need to take the least worst". My Dad's wisdom, to me, was priceless but even he would tell me to take the cash! It got me thinking, there are moments in your life, when the penny drops and you realise that you've got something wrong or need to change radically. I thought this is a good subject to explore in a Top Ten list. Moments of great realisation.
1. West Germany 3 England 2. World Cup Quarter final 1970. England were holders of the World Cup. We had beaten the Germans in two world wars. We were leading the Germans Two Nil. The universe seemed fine. Then the Germans scored three goals and knocked us out. England weren't unbeatable and the Germans were better than us. The realisation was too hard for a seven year old to take. Sadly the rest of my life has been spent realising that England really isn't what I thought it was until the Germans knocked us out.
2. My confirmation as a Roman Catholic. I've talked about this before. This was the moment I really started to lose faith in the Catholic Church. Until that moment, I unquestionably believed in the Church. It was a massive part in our life. I was ten. The pre confirmation classes told us that the Holy Ghost (that was his name before he got a rebrand as The Holy Spirit). would come down on us and give us mystical powers. Actually they probably didn't, but that was how I enterpreted it. When the Bishop laid his hands on me and confirmed me, I felt nothing at all, except acute disappointment. I had really believed I'd get the gift of tongues (the ability to speak foreign languages etc). When I felt nothing and had no new super powers, I felt demoralised and cheated. I have to say that I get reallyfrustated by people who talk nonsense about religion and promise miracles that don't happen. They are dodgy snake oil salesmen and if my mate is really the devil, I expect him to round them all up pronto. Scumbags!
3. David Bowie releases Sorrow. Up until that point I loved Bowie. Space Oddity, Life on Mars, The Jean Genie, Rebel Rebel. He could do no wrong. Then he released Sorrow. To my ears, it sounded horrible. How could he do this. It hadn't occurred to me that Bowie could make a rubbsih record (I'd not heard the laughing gnome at that point). It was a reallyr ude awakening. I've never really completely trusted any musician ever since.
4. Waking up vomiting blood in 1984. I nearly died. My stomach had reacted badly to a prescription of erythromycin for an ear infection. I spent six weeks in hospital and went down to nine stone as I couldn't eat. I realised that I wasn't invincible. I've tried to look after myself since then. It was a horrible time.
5. Getting hit by a car in 1988. This was a year after my Dad passed away. When I realised that the speeding car was going to hit me and there was nothing I could do and I was going to die, I felt completely at peace. Time stood still for a second. I have never felt happier, which is strange. Then survival instincts kicked in and I jumped. The car hit me and my feet went through the windscreen. I had multiple injuries. The driver admitted jumping the red at 40mph. The Doctors told me that they'd never seen anyone walk away from such a smash. I still suffer pain from the injuries, but I was back at work within two weeks. I ceased being scared of death.
6. Giving up on playing music in 1990. In 1990, I had spent a decade trying to make a go of a career as a musician. It seemed that every time we got anywhere, it would spectacularly collapse. I was sick of it. I woke up one day and realised that I just wasn't enjoying playing music anymore. The type of music I was into, Ska and Punk were no longer fashionable and it was hard to get gigs. No one was interested and no one seemed to care. I thought "Why am I doing this?". I decided to carry on with the studio, as a sideline, as it put a few quid in my pocket, but I didn't pick up a guitar for ten years until I rediscovered my Mojo.
7. Realising I had to sort my head out in 1995. When Clare told me she was pregnant, I had a dreaful fear. I felt that I was not fit to be a father. My main fear was that I had massive anger issues. I am not violent, but if things anger me, I snap. I was terrified what the stress of having children would do. I was also incredibly ashamed of this. So I had counselling for anger management. I had assumed this would make all of my anger go away. It didn't, but over time, I have learned how to deal with things in a better manner. One of the the things I'd not really understood is that anger is a natural reaction to threat. It keeps us safe, but we have to handle it and be in charge of our anger. I wouldn't say I am perfect but I am a better person for that.
8. Realising that I was dyslexic in 1995. Out of the anger management, came the realisation that I was dyslexic. I could trace much of my anger issues to this and my experiences at school. I am not stupid, but my educational performance until I was fourteen was awful. I was called a dunce and made to stand in the corner on many occasions. I was beaten by a teacher for 'refusing to spell train correctly'. I had to attend remedial reading classes and I couldn't do long division until I was thirteen. I had my own little world that I lived in. Then I discovered Punk Rock and it was OK to be different and suddenly it didn't seem to matter and I developed confidence and moved on. But I couldn't rationalise this until I was 33 and it was all explained.
10. Bodo/Glimt beat Lazio on Penalties on Thursday night! Tom, our trumpet player spent our recording session on Thursday night checking the Europe League scores on his phone. Like me, Tom is a football nut. I met Tom at Hadley FC and he is an amazing guy. He is very into non league and obscure Europrean football. I am a Hadley Fan and have always been interested in Non League football, but since I've been following Hadley FC, I've got far more interested in other Non League issues and minor European teams (especially following the trip with Hadley FC to San Marino last season). Whilst I was more interested in The Man Utd result and hoping they got knocked out, Tom was fixated by the Lazio vs Bodo/Glimt game. They are a Norwegian team and were playing Italian giants Lazio. They took Lazio to penalties and won. As our session went on, with regular updates from Tom, I realised how my football journey had changed. I started this blog talking about English exceptionalism and ended getting a buzz from Bodo Glimt beating Lazio in a minor European cup. I have come to realise that the best football fans support clubs where the odd minor cup is the height of expectations. It was really easy to watch England play West Germany on telly and feel sad when they lost. Earlier this season, I went with Hadley FC to Oxford City FC to see them play and lose in the FA Trophy. I am lucky, my Dad used to sponsor Edgware Town FC and so I was brought up with an awareness of non league football. I went to Barnet FC regularly until they moved out of the Borough and have been a Hadley FC season ticket holder for seven years. But it took that result on Thursday for the penny to drop that the best thing in football is not when England win the world cup. It's when you unexpectedly see something that you'd never have expected. What I#ve come to realise is that too many fans of big clubs have actually lost their love of football. It has simply become a numbers game, where massive businesses seek to milk their customers for every penny that they have. Having said that, I am also a Manchester City fan and I'll be at Wembley next week!
As the saying goes, Life is strange. You learn things as you go along and what you might believe to be 100% true when you are 10 will seem laughable five decades later. Perhaps the one lesson I've learned above all others is that your views and opinions will change and most of the time, they will be wrong!
And I'll leave the last word with Tom, singing the False Dots classic Wrong from 1979, at a recent live gig!
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