My friends mean the world to me. I rather hope that for all of my flaws, of which there are many, they know I am decent, honest and I have their back if needed. I am pretty careful who I make friends with. I have lots of casual friends, who I might have a drink or a chat with, if I bump into them, but people I seek to spend time with and trust, that is a far smaller group. Sometimes situations arise that cause friction between people. Usually, it has been because there is a problem with a third party. I have a life policy of trying not to drag my friends into disputes, or force them to pick sides. It is unfair and in most such situations, both parties think they are right. It is pretty rare for one side to be totally wrong. So I try and refrain from slagging people off to mutual friends and performing character assassination's. Generally such behaviour may secure some sort of short term advantage, but I believe the truth will always out and often when it does, it ends up with everyone falling out, when people realise they have been taken for mugs. There is a downside to this. I have, perhaps far too often, let things go unchallenged at the time.
I also don't seek people out to sow division and turn them against people. If I have a genuine problem with someone, I will say what I have to say to their face. I try and do this as politely as I can, but on occasion this is not possible. Life is to short to be eaten up with petty grievances and settling scores. I have a band to run and people I like to spend time with. It is a philosophy which works pretty well. It is not perfect, but holding on to grudges is a negative waste of energy.
So today, I found myself in a very strange situation. I was copied into an email by someone I considered a very good friend indeed. So imagine how I felt to see this contained in the email "he added that 'I am a very close friend of his', referring to me. This is the second time now that Roger has openly made this statement that is both untrue and incorrect.". I was absolutely taken aback by this. I won't go into the details, other than to say, our families have known each other for decades and we have spent a lot of time, very cordially, in each others company.
I was shocked to see this. Now, I perfectly accept that maybe my friend has always hated my guts and the time we spent in each others company was done by him as penance as a good Catholic lad. I don't know, but I do know that he has never given an inkling to me that we weren't good friends. It is up to him. Once I got over the initial shock of being unfriended in a cc'd email, I saw the wider picture. I'm a grown up. I have strong views and I speak my mind. This means I can upset people. Maybe he just never had the gumption to tell me the truth and because we have lots of mutual friends, he felt obligated to pretend to like me to keep the peace.
The fact that I had no inkling of this probably reflects worse on me than it does on him. I am hoping he feels a great sense of burden lifted, now he no longer has to pretend to like me. That is one of the wonders of technology. We can unfriend people, ghost them, without ever having to actually say anything to their face. Personally, I am old fashioned, and believe that men should say what they have to say to each others faces and be damned. But why waste your time chatting to someone who you don't like, when you can tell them in a cc'd email and then list 13 other reasons as to why they are a terrible person.
Given our social circle and other things we have a common interest in, we are bound to see each other face to face at some point. That is perhaps the most awkward part of this sort of thing. This is where life experience is a great help. I have worked for five decades in one job or another. I have spent my life in offices, etc, where someone hasn't had a good word to say about me, belittles my work, talks about me behind my back, sticks the knife in. This email made pretty clear that despite the cordiality, that is exactly what has been going on. So I will do what I always did at work. Be polite and keep my powder dry. But most of all, tell the truth. The problem for such individuals is that they have clearly not been upfront about anything. They have said and done things, without giving due respect to a friend or colleague, to explain whatever it is they were upset about, talk it through and get both sides of the story.
Life is full of sad people with ill intentions towards you. You can either get dragged down by their malicious little world or take a step back and say "fine, jog on". The one lesson I've learned in life is that when people bear you ill intent and they show their hand, it is a good thing. You know where you stand and you know that the said individual is untrustworthy. That is on them, not you.
But always remember the wise words of Richard Hell - Betrayal takes two - so I am sure if he is reading this, he is fuming at all the terrible things I've done that he's never had the gumption to pull me on to my face!
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