The Sunday Reflection #81 - Something to believe in?

 I broke one of my hard, fast rules of life on Friday. My band, The False Dots had a gig at The 100 Club for the London International Ska Festival. The show was sold out and was absolutely brilliant. I don't know if you are a musician, but when you play to a packed hall and smash it, there really is no feeling in the world like it. When I woke up on Friday morning, I felt absolutely awful. I had that feeling when a cold is coming. I felt hot, clammy and shakey. Given that this is perhaps the biggest and most important gig the band have played for decades, this was not good. I had planned to go to the noon service at The Sacred Heart for Good Friday and then to Hadley FC, before trekking down to the 100 Club. I decided to stay in bed and try and get myself in shape for the gig. I have a form of faith, so I prayed for the strength to get through the day. My Catholic guilt was telling me that if I was going to do anything, it should be attending Church. But I also have a faith that God put me here for a reason. I believe that reason is to make music and make people happy. So off I went to The 100 Club. Even though it's a day of fasting absitinence, something I always follow, I had a few beers. I felt the good Lord had given me a pass.

It was an amazing night. The band has really come a long way in the past five years. I've always loved what we do, but we are in a very sweet place at the moment. I've learned that you never know how long such moments last and to embrace them. A large group of my friends bought tickets to support us, but more pleasing was the hundreds of strangers, dancing, nodding and smiling and the dozens who told us after the show that they loved it. Here is a short clip of Trumpet Tom singing the Prince Buster classic "Free Love", with guitar legend Boz Boorer guesting on lead guitar.

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Something to believe in? I got at around midnight and I was absolutely shattered. I got home and it all caught up with me. I slept like a log. At around 8.30am my wife woke me with a cup of tea. We had another Ska fest gig to attend at 1pm and we had friends to meet first, dogs to walk, etc. But when she woke me up, I was in the middle of a vivid dream. One of those gigs that you sometimes have that make you think. That I will remember until the day that I die. In my dream, I entered a dark room with a large table, a big spread with candles. Holding fort was my cousing Tessie. Tessie was my age, but died of covid during the pandemic. She was born with Downs syndrome and suffered from dementia in her last few years. I got on with her. She always told me I was her favourite cousin, but then again she probably told all her cousins that. We got on well. She was feisty, cheeky and naughty. When I was little, I was actually jealous as she had a free pass to do what she liked and everyone just said "That's just Tessie". 

Anyway, in my dream I entered, sat at the table and Tessie said "My favourite cousin". I was overjoyed to see her again. I asked how are you. She replied "Oh, it's great here. I don't have to pretend to be stupid anymore". This answer surprised me so I asked what she meant. "God sent me and I was weak and vulnerable, so he could see who the arseholes really are". When she said this all her friends burst out laughing. It all became clear to me. The life we live here is a completely different realm. Wherever we go on the next phase, we see through all of the bullshit and we are not encumbered with the baggage of human existence. I realised that Tessie had just as much of a purpose as I have with my music, that everyone has, but often don't see. Tessie's job was to give us the chance to be the best version of ourselves around her. But now, she could just enjoy herself and be the witty, naughty, fun loving person she always was but we stuggled to see. No one was judging her anymore. She was in a wonderful place, having fun with  friends.

When Clare woke me up, I was actually cross. I'd not had the chance to really to ask the questions I wanted. I was back. All I could think was "Who will be at the table with me when I get there, will I understand my purpose?". Of course, all you cynics out there will say "It's just a dream, it means nothing". Maybe, maybe not. For a moment though, perhaps the second time in a day, I was blissfully happy and I actually realised it was all going to be alright. I thought I'd share it with you. Do with this gift as you will, but please, try and be happy and make other people happy. I've failed in that mission too many times.

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The road may be rough, but don't you ever, ever give up

The best things in life do not come easy, and the path is not straight. I have made the mistake in my life of taking things for granted when they came easily, not appreciating the moment and not being thankful for my blessings. However when things are difficult, when you take a few knocks to get there but eventually reach the promised land, it is sweet and hopefully you can appreciate it in a way that you never would have, had it turned up on a plate. 

Life is a funny old thing. When I was about 23/24 years old I had a bit of an existensial crisis. From the age of sixteen, my sole aim in life was to have a successful band. In 1986, I put together what I believed was the perfect version of the band. We recruited a singer who was brilliant. He was one of the few male singers who could give Freddy Mercury a run for his money. We had a brass section and I had a plan. The only real problem was that the new singer had other ideas. He had a completely different view of what a band was, what the point of being in a band was and what the point of writing songs was. He renamed the band, with the support of other members. I acquiesced. I didn't agree, but to me the principle of democracy in a band was important. He then engineered the sacking of our drummer. I was horrified. We had a couple of gigs to fulfil. I acquisced again, to my eternal shame. The only good thing was that it meant I had a valid reason for not including the gigs and that line up in the story of The False Dots or our gig list. 

I found myself at the start of 1987 in a very difficult situation. I didn't want to be in the band, but we also were all partners in the studios. I made the decision to restart the False Dots from where we'd left off when Allen Ashley left at the end of 1985. But in truth, the events of 1986 had doused the fire in my belly to play. The worst thing of all was that I had self doubt about what I was doing and why. It took me a decade and a half to get over that as a musician. One of the 'ideas' the new singer had was that we play covers and earn money. I don't mind doing one or two, especially at gigs where you are booked to do more than one set, but a whole set of covers? The singer was good at band politics. He suggested that each member chose a song. I can't recall all of them. His choice was Fame by David Bowie. He'd managed to choose a Bowie song I couldn't stand. Quite a feat. My choice was 'Save Me' By Eritha Franklin, using the arrangement by Aussie band The Saints. One of our sax players chose Low Rider by War and the other, to my great delight chose "Take it Easy" by Prince Buster. The last gig we did was in September 1986 at The Edgware Services club, the singer playing drums. For me, it was a horrific abomination of a gig. We had lost the essence of what made us the False Dots. We were just a very average covers band churning out laboured renditions of other peoples music. The audience seemed to like it and the singer took it as an enorsement of his ideas. 

There was one highlight in the set. When we played Take it Easy by Prince Buster, everyone got up and danced. The band had a few songs with a ska/reggae flavour, which we'd written, but this was actually diffierent. It worked. We all loved the song, apart from the singer, who really wanted to do pop and rock. But a seed had been planted. I loved ska music, The Specials are one of my all time favourite bands, but until we had a band with brass and keyboards, I always felt we couldn't do it justice. As we performed that one number and the club started skanking, I realised that if we wanted to do covers this was the way to go. The singer disagreed and said "Ska isn't even proper reggae". That was the end of our musical association. The bassplayer and sax player had an extended holiday lined up in India and it all just sort of faded away. 

Fast forward to 2021, the country is in lockdown. Our drummer has just lost his son. Allen Ashley, our singer has taken a sabbatical from performing and rehearsing, due to covid. But we are musicians and as it's our job, we get back on the case. The trouble is, there are only three of us. Graham on drums (who had been sacked by the vocalist in 1986 and returned to The False Dots in 1987), Fil Ross on bass and myself on Guitar and vocals, as Allen couldn't attend. I hadn't sung with the band since 1983. I had decided that we needed 'better singers'. But our mission was to get Graham out of the house and playing, to try and distract him from the tragedy. My biggest issue as a singer (apart from having a very average voice and a limited tone) was that I found I couldn't really sing and play together. But I had no choice. We had a couple of old songs I could manage. So I decided to write songs for myself, my own range and in my own style. What came out was a set of songs that sounded a bit like Madness would if Ian Dury was their singer (and they didn't have horns or keyboards). I wrote the lyrics to be as funny as possible, to try and get a smile from Graham. When we started, it was just a jam, with no purpose. Just musicians playing for the joy of it and for our own entertainment. 

I am quite a prolific writer, so within no time at all we had a set of ska influenced songs. In June 2022, we did a short set at The Mill Hill Music Festival of the new material. To my complete surprise, the audience loved it. In September that year, we ventured back into Camden Town, for the first time in a decade and played The Dublin Castle with this new set. I loved it, but in truth something was missing. Every time I thought back to that gig in Edgware, I thought of "Take it Easy" and everyone skanking. It sounded so much better with some brass. In September 2023, I asked Tom Hammond, who is an amazing trumpet player, to play a few notes on some recordings we were doing. He fitted in immediately and was the missing link. It felt like the band was complete. 

Anyway, fast forward to now. I have always felt a debt of gratitude to those musicians who influenced me and made my life worth living. That experience of playing Take it Easy planted a seed that has grown into what The False Dots are today. We do original material, with the odd cover thrown in. But I feel I owe Prince Buster something. I mentioned this to Lee Thompson, sax player of Madness and a good mate. Lee, like me, loves Prince Buster. The first single by Madness was The Prince, a tribute penned by Lee to the great man. I jokingly suggested to Lee that he get up with us and do Take it Easy when we perform at The London International Ska Festival. To my surprise, he was well up for the idea. Even better, Boz Boorer of The Polecats/Morrisey fame also decided to join in the fun! 

So, if you are coming to see the band at The London International Ska Festival, you should be in for a treat. Lee has also asked to do "Free Love" by Prince Buster, so it should be quite a show!

The middle eight in "Take it Easy" has the line "The road may be rough, but don't you ever ever give up". I suppose it could be the anthem of the False Dots. If I have one regret in my life, it is that I didn't have the faith in myself in 1979, when I had the energy and drive, to do what I've really known all my life. I wanted to play in a band that sounded like a mash up of The Specials, Madness and Ian Dury and that although my vocal style and talents are limited, they are perfect for such a sound. And when it comes down to it, they are the music I love. Being 63 years old and living the dream is a good thing. Don't let life pass you by. Don't give up on your dreams because of a few bumps on the road. If someone is walking the same path as you, it doesn't mean they have the same destination, so believe in yourself. 

The False Dots will be playing our brand new single Big Hairy Spider at the gig, which I think exemplifies everything good in our music. And if you love a bit of Hanna-Barbara cartoon animation, you will love the video!

What is going on? I feel like I'm living someone else's life?

 There are only really two places I ever think deeply about life. The reason? Everywhere else I have constant distractions. One is at mass on a Sunday morning and the other is in the jacuzzi at the Virgin health club in Mill Hill East, on the rare occasion when there is no one else in there. Today, I had a good ten minutes without interruption, I had a good chance to reflect on things, after a strenuous workout. My mind tends to wander in the strangest tangents at such times. As I was enjoying the peace and quiet, half in a slumber,  a really disturbing notion came into my head. I had the realisation that I no longer feel like I am me anymore. I feel a bit like I am somebody else, inhabiting my mind. This was quite a disturbing thought. It jarred me from my peaceful reflection. I felt a need to mentally touch base with reality. I started doing a stocktake of my memories. Early ones as a child, recent ones. I realised that I was still me. But I still felt odd and out of place. It was rather puzzling. 

My mind went into overload, why did I feel so detached. I realised that it wasn't me. It was everything else. I am not quite sure when it first started, but I have noticed that in recent weeks, months and years, people who I thought I knew really well suddenly start expressing the strangest views. When a stranger comes up and starts saying things, I have no context to judge them against. When you've got friends you grew up with and they start expressing views that seem to be the polar opposite of what you thought they believed, it is very difficult. If it was just one or two people and they were dropping acid, I would not really have a problem. When they haven't and it is dozens of people I've known for years, it is hard. Now I have always believed that people are entitled to think and believe what they like. But when you have a firm idea of what you believe people's characters are like, built up over decades, and lubricated with a lot of alcohol on the way, it is different. Were they always like this and did I just not notice?

It is not just people who are acting strangely. When you watch TV, listen to the radio, go to the cinema, we have a portal into a world that is slightly unreal. Before I went to jacuzzi, I did a 20K cycle. The bikes at Virgin allow you to watch TV. Usually I watch Tipping Point. It is the only quiz show I really enjoy, as I like those slot machines you find on piers, and it gives me a warm buzz. Sadly today, ITV had deal or no deal, which is as dull as dishwater. I flicked through the channels. BBC News, Sky News, GB News. I managed about two minutes of each. BBC News? Worthy and as dull as dishwater. Experts giving opinions that were so bland as to be meaningless. Both the right and left criticise the BBC as being biased towards the other. In truth, to me they simply employ bland people who try and sit on the fence and not get too many splinters up their bum. Sky News? The experts all seem as if they have simply spent five minutes googling the subject before they came on and were trying to have a range of mildly controversial to at least gain a modicum of reaction. They all seem to me as if they've never actually walked down the Old Kent Road, let alone go to any of the places they are talking about. GB News? I rarely watch it and now I know why. It seems to employ a bunch of raving looneys to spout the controversial views to get the blood flowing of the normal working man. 

The hot topic was the mistaken release from prison of an illegal immigrant who had committed sex offences. Now I know a little of how prisons run. A friend of mine was Duncan McLoughlan, who was the governor of the Maze Prison in Northern Ireland during the troubles. Over a decade ago, he told me that prisons were at breaking point, experienced staff were leaving and not being replaced, the fabric of the buildings was falling apart and the systems being used were not up to scratch. I asked what would happen. His answer was chilling. As I recall he said "If prison officers are not well paid, well looked after and supported by management, they are susceptible to criminal gangs. If prisoners do not have a basic quality of life, they get unruly and hard to manage and if you do not have experienced officers, who you can trust, using fit for purpose systems, mistakes are made, people are incorrectly released, housed in the wrong wings, etc. When all of these things happen, the prison service is untenable".

The service was being underfunded then and it is far worse now. When you have ignorant pundits calling for the Home Secretary to resign (who has been in place for all of five minutes), because "it is on their watch", you are spectacularly missing the point. Training officers, sorting out dilapidated buildings, putting in systems that are fit for a digital world with drones takes time, costs money and us, the taxpayer has to pay for it. If the Home Secretary gets sacked every time a prisoner is incorrectly released, then you'd have a new one every week and they'd never learn. But not a single pundit said this. As I say, I am not an expert, but I have had access to someone who was, so I have a clear idea of the problems. It seems to me that the BBC don't want to say it because they don't want to express an opinion, Sky News don't want to say it because their guests were too thick to google "root causes of UK prison crisis". Here is an extract of what Google's AI search said

• Underfunding and understaffing: Deep funding cuts in the early 2010s have not been fully reversed, and the prison system has struggled with staff reductions, making it difficult to manage the population effectively.
• Lack of adequate capacity: The number of prison places has not kept pace with the rising demand. A promised building program has also faced delays, leaving the system stretched thin.
• Ineffective alternatives to prison: There has been a failure to sufficiently invest in alternatives to prison and preventive services, meaning more people end up in custody when they may not need to be.
• Systemic issues within the criminal justice system: The combination of court backlogs and a more risk-averse probation service, partly due to high-profile failures, has created pressure at multiple points in the system. 

As you can imagine, none of that was what the bonkers looneys on GB News were interested in. 

Now if it was just one story on the news which was like this, I'd scarcely notice, but it seems to be every story. The news should be the reporting of facts, by reporters on the ground. It has become a procession of talking heads, who seem to me to be completely ignorant, in a studio. It's true of all of the news channels. Each has its own sort of pundits, but none are much good. I have, very occasionally, been asked to be a pundit on the news. Mostly around libraries and music industry issues. What they want is a pithy quote of less than ten seconds. It is impossible to say anything of value in such a short time. 

As I lay and soaked, I realised that what was making me feel so disconnected was the fact that I was born and raised in a different world. One where facts, rather than opinions was the main content of TV news. Reporters went to the scene of newsworthy items and dug up stories. I suspect most news teams now simply trawl Twitter for good clips, that fit their agenda. Elon Musk claims Twitter has democratised information. The problem is that if every news story has a million tweets, where 99% of the people do not know the facts and are simply banging keyboards in their bedrooms, how can anything be deemed worth reading? It isn't Musks fault that finding the truth on Twitter is like spotting your relative in the crowd at Old  Trafford, when you watch Match of The Day. 

I realised that it wasn't so much I feel I am inhabiting someone else's body, and I've stolen their memories. I realised that I am now in a world that is completely alien. There is little on TV that interests me, except football. Actually finding anything interesting on social media becomes harder every day. I am lucky, I am into music and I play in band. Watching live music gives me some respite from a world which is completely dysfunctional. I almost feel like when they switched on the Hadron collider, they warped us into a parallel world, where things superficially look the same, but are in truth completely different and alien. It's just that they didn't, it happened on this world and none of us noticed. If you want a dose of reality, why not come to the Dublin Castle on Saturday and experience something real and raw for a change. The False Dots may not cure the world, but we may take your mind off the fact it's become a lunatic asylum for an hour or two!

Normal is not the new Normal!

 Just a random thought here. Does the word Normal seemed to have ceased to exist, apart from in the scientific sense (ie Little Rodney's temperature is normal). In terms of society nothing is normal anymore. I'm not saying this is a good or a bad thing, I genuinely am not sure. It's probably a bit of both. I was just watching a clip on Youtube of Elon Musk in the White House with Donald Trump and my first thought, which is probably an indictment on me, was "These fella's aint Normal". 

pic.twitter.com/UW7kwTNrh1

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) February 12, 2025

It used to be that when you saw the US President in the Oval Office, there was an air of gravitas. You expected measured, balanced words from behing a desk. Whatever is going on, that is not the case now. 

It's not just The President. If you watch anything on TV, drama's, sitcoms, you never really see the sort of situations that we see in real life. The language does not reflect the way real people speak, their concerns are not our concerns and the way they behave is not the way we behave. If you watched Coronation St in the 1960's and 1970's, many of us would have thought it was a fairly realistic representation of a Northern Street in Lancashire. There was wit and humour and genuine affection. I see none of that. I don't mind seeing diversity on TV, but I get irritated when storylines are bent to suit political narratives in a clumsy and clunky way. BAck in th 1970's, there was a TV drama called "When the boat comes in". It dealt with some chunky issues, such as the rise of facism in working class communities. It was done in a realistic way, withouit seeming preachy and inauthentic. Now, even things that I think are quite good have irrelevent sub plots, random characters that detract from the narrative and unrealistic situations that are all bolted on to fit whatever axe the producers have to grind.

It all adds to an air that nothing is quite believeable, nothing seems normal and nothing really rings true. And then there is the music scene. I go to a lot of gigs. I perform quite a lot. I run a music studio. It is absolutely 100% clear to me that the gatekeepers of national musical taste are hell bent on removing music as a force for  good, and are just turning it into meaningless background noise. I was raised in the era of The Clash, The Sex Pistols, Bob Marley, Misty in Roots, The Specials and The Tom Robinson band. They all took inspiration from artists such as Bob Dylan, The Velvet Underground, Nina Simone and Marvin Gaye. These artists all made great music, but also made music with powerful content. It was music that made you open your eyes. It was music that made you want to look beyond your current horizon. It made you feel alive. There is still great music out there, but you usually only find it by chance or a mate recommending it. On Friday I went to see Bilk at the Electric Ballroom in Camden. A young punky band from Chelmsford, writing great songs that left me appreciating a great night out. It felt good and very normal for me watching such a band. Two things occurred to me. The first is that if a band like Bilk are not getting the support of the industry, something isn't right. The band is signed to Scruff of the neck records, a Manchester independent label. They are doing well, but I only heard of the band via Tom, our trumpet player. However I look at it, the fact that a great young band, who can fill the Electric Ballroom, should be getting far more exposure. The UK music industry and the life support mechanism around it, must be deliberately shooting itself in the foot to suppress decent young bands. I can think of no other logical explanation, to push the type of thing they think we should all like, but in reality isn't very good a lot of the time. In early Judge Dredd comics in the late 1970's, a common theme was people going mad through "Future Shock", where society developed so fast people felt left behind and excluded. I am, for the first time in my life, feeling a bit like that!

It makes me feel like I am in a strange parellel universe where the people in charge are deliberately ruining everything. I was never really one for normal, but I like the fact that normal was there, even if only to rebel against. When I see pictures like the one of Elon Musk in the Oval Office, it is so odd that I genuinely don't know what to do. I know this blog probably sounds like the rantings of a madman, but that is almost how I feel as I see and hear things that offend my brains sense of how the natural order of the universe should be. 

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Anyway, if you want a slice of reality Rog T style, why not have a listen to my band, The False Dots or even better, come and see our show at the Dublin Castle this Sunday from 2pm, celebrating 46 years of making a racket!

The biggest mistake you can make in your life

Contemplating Life

There are two major things that shape our lives. The choices we make and the events that we don't control. Twice in the last two days, I've seen examples of people making extremely bad choices, which could have changed their lives forever for the worse. One of them could also have changed mine. Yesterday, I was about to cross the road on the pelican crossing at the bottom of my road, which crosses Mill Hill Broadway. I pressed the button (why do people stand there and not press the button and hope it will change?). The light changed and I was just about to step out into the road, when I noticed a woman driving a blue BMW hurtling towards me, totally ignoring the light. I stopped and she sped straight through. Having been run over and nearly killed in Burnt Oak, when someone did exactly the same thing, I am cautious. But she wasn't cautious. She was driving like an idiot and she could have killed someone. It seems to me to be the height of stupidity to risk killing someone and a jail term as a result, to get somewhere 20 seconds quicker. Why? The thought crossed my mind that if I'd not spotted her or wasn't paying attention, I may be dead. 

Today I saw the complete other end of the spectrum at the very same spot. As I walk down my road, I can see the same pelican crossing. As I approached, a woman pressed the button and the lights changed. I was paying attention, as I thought I may be able to get across, but I was a tad to far and couldn't be bothered to run. What she did next really shocked me. Rather than cross, she looked at her mobile phone and stopped. I have no idea what was so exciting that she just stopped in her tracks and gawped. What she did next stunned me even more than the events yesterday. The lights changed again and were flashing yellow. She then walked out in front of the cars that had been stopped and were starting to pull off, causing them to brake. She was clearly completely distracted. Although the cars were not moving quickly, it was stupid and reckless. A lady standing next to me, looked at me and shook her head. It occurred to me that if you put the two events together, where both a motorist and a pedestrian are not paying attention and are also clearly distracted then they both could have made the worst decision in their lives, presumably without consciously realising it at the time. 

At the time I was run over, I was regularly doing a Yoga class in Mill Hill, with an amazing Yoga teacher called Joyce. It took me three months to get to a position where I could consider Yoga. When I went back, she enquired after my health and asked about my absence. I explained how a speeding driver, jumping the lights had run me over. Her response rather irritated me at the time, now I understand it. She said "You've really got to be more conscious of what is going on around you". What annoyed me was that it wasn't my fault and even the bloke who did it admitted that. But Joyce was right. If I'd had my eyes and ears open, I would have realised. You can be 100% in the right, but it won't make you feel any better when a car splatters you. 

About fifteen years ago, on Mill Hill Broadway, at the very same spot as the two incidents mentioned above happened, I was about to cross the road, with the lights being red. I'd just got off the train and there were several other people. Being cautious, I noticed that a car was speeding towards us and the person driving was looking at their phone and also hadn't noticed. As I realised that it wasn't safe to cross, a lady next to me saw the green man and without looking stepped onto the road. I realised that she was going to get run over, so I physically pulled her back and said "look out", she screamed and was just about to harangue me, when the car sped past and she realised she'd have been hit, if I hadn't grabbed her. I apologised profusely, and said "Sorry I had to do that, I realised you'd get hit". She was quite badly shaken up. She thanked me and explained that she'd "had a terrible day at work". We then both went on our way. It was at that moment that I realised what Joyce was saying and properly appreciated it.

The biggest mistake we can make in our lives is to not be conscious and pay attention and not just at road crossings. That was just an illustration. Yesterday, my band launched our debut album, only 45 years in the making. We had an afternoon gig at The Dublin Castle in Camden Town. It was amazing seeing so many of my friends out. to see us. As I was about to start singing one of the songs, Joyce's words "You've really got to be more conscious of what's going on around you" popped into my head. IT was so jarring that it put me off the lyrics and I completely garbled the words to the first verse of The Burnt Oak Boogie. But a more important thing happened than just singing a song correctly. I looked on and appreciated what was happening. No one forced those people to come. They came because they knew they'd have a good time, maybe meet some friends, maybe make sone new ones. I have no idea how many were there, it was a good crowd. The following comment was posted on the bands Facebook today "It really was fantastic! To anyone who missed it make sure you go to the next False Dots gig, it'll definitely cheer you up no end 😁".  

I sometimes wonder how many things in our life we really can consciously change. One thing I do know for certain is that if I am feeling down, I can consciously change my mood by listening to music. It washes away, not forever, but for a few moments the worries, concerns and distractions of our day to day lives. For those few seconds when Joyce's words echo'd around my mind, I realised that I am blessed. I make time to let music in and to chill out. I don't want to be that person who is so stressed and so in a rush that they miss seeing a red light, or so distracted that we step out when the lights have changed. I tend to relax by watching football and listening to music. It may not work for you, but something must. Don't neglect that. Give yourself time to unwind. If you've had a bad day, do something about it before you walk under a speeding car, because you are too lost in your thoughts to see it heading for you. If ever I had a really bad day in the office. I'd go to a quiet pub, have a single pint, eat a bag of nuts and read the Evening Standard before I headed home. I'd also put a couple of tunes on the Jukebox. Such things are simple but they can really make a difference.

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The False Dots launched our new album yesterday, entitled "A finger in the Sun". Please click here and have a listen to it, if you enjoy what I write. I don't ask for much, but I'd love you to have a listen and tell your friends if you like it >>>>> CLICK HERE <<<<<

Too busy to blog! A little catch up

 Regular readers will have noted that I've been relatively quiet over the last couple of weeks on the blogging front. Well there has been a good reason, I've been too busy! Last week I was away. Reular readers will know that I volunteer with a charity called HCPT, which takes people who need a degree of assistance to Lourdes in France. We actually stay at Bartres, which is about 2km outside of Lourdes and is in the foothills of the Pyrenees. I've been going with pur group since 2001. In that time my mum, who was housebound following a stroke and my cousin Tessie, who had Downs syndrome accompanied us. ince 2016, when Tessie became unable to travel. I've assisted others. I love going, it puts life in perspective and makes me realise just how lucky I am. Two of my children came as adult volunteers this time, both have been numerous times. They choose to go and I am proud of them for making the commitment and they were brilliant. Having damaged my shoulder recently, my ability to lift people was limited, although I did assist with lifts onrto the plane ( a couple of our VIP's need physically moving from their wheelchairs to their seat). I did a lot of guitar playing. The last night is always party night, where everyone has the chance to do a turn. I did a solo performance of one of the False Dots songs (with a rather long intro). The song is called Brotherly Love and is based on my experience growing up with older brothers, who used to delight in teasing me!

 It is a great experience and if you want to do something good and remind yourself of why we should value our blessings in life and appreciate everyone I'd thoroughly recommend volunteering woith HCPT or a similar charity.  

As tomorrow is my birthday, yesterday we had a rather special night out with friends. We took a luxury train trip around the Surrey Hills with friends, on a vintage train, hauled by a steam locomotive. We had a blast. We were due to do this last year, but the trip had to be postponed as I was having surgery for cancer. The company Steam Dreams are wonderful. I'd thoroughly recommend it as a special treat. 

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I must say that the food and drink on the trip is wonderful. It is a great way to spend a few hours with friends. We were sat next to a lovely couple celebrating their Ruby wedding and had a good laugh with them as well. It is a really relaxed environment.

Having taken a week off work, I had a weeks worth of work to do to catch up. My business was devastated by the pandemic. We shut completely for four months and the music scene has only really fully recovered this year. We went from being cash rich in 2019, to a position where we scramble to pa bills. Although the government assistance helped, the truth is that it did not even pay the wages and rent for the period. The comapny has gone from being highly profitable and debt free to just about breaking even and being saddled with debts. The first six months of the year were great, with us starting to pay off the debts etc, but the Euro's and the Olympics have been a major spanner in the works, as many small venues were showing football etc, rather than having bands on. This means less people coming  through. Whilst our takings had been 20% up on 2023 for the first six months, they were about 18% down from the start of the Euro's to this week. We have had to invest a lot of money at the start of the year to try and get the business moving, as we did little maintenanace since 2020 and it was starting to show. We now have a new website as well. It seemed the strategy was working, but football tournaments always hit us hard. I'm pleased to say that this week, with the end of the olympics, things have improved significantly, but as we have  a VAT bill, it will be a struggle. Micro managing cashflow has never really been an issue before, but there was a lot to be done to keep the show afloat. Our turnover will be around 10% less than it was in 2019 and our bills have gone up astronomically. We've done some sensible cost cutting, but things like electricity are hugely expensive compared to then. To be doing anything more than break even, we need about 35% more trade. It will probably take is two years to get there, even if our cost base stays the same. As we get busier our costs go up, and we will have to do work which has been postponed. It is a different challenge to the one we've had before. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but we have just about reached the end of the road for balancing books by cost cutting. What we do is vital to the UK music industry. No rehearsal facilities = no UK music industry, but we get no help at all from anyone. Having said that, we are on the right track and we have survived a calamity of unprecendented scale. If I'd not had my cancer scare last year, I'd have definitely taken some IT contract work to plug the holes in the budget, but I am glad I didn't and we are getting back on track. 

We are really hoping for a strong end to the year from here on in, but if I've learned anything since 2020 it is that man makes plans and God laughs. 

But I must add that my work with HCPT has also taught me to appreaciate what you have. This time last year, I still had stitches and a cathetar in. It puts it all in perspective. 

What will flash before your eyes, when you exhale your final breath?

After The False Dots gig on Thursday night, I had a very deep conversation with Rambo, our drummer. The gig was wonderful, possibly the best we've ever done in 45 years from a performance point of view. When he dropped me off, we had a chat about life. I said that when I exhale my final breath and the showreel of my life scrolls before my eyes, it may well be one of the moments that is on there. There was a moment when both our trumpet player Tom Hammond and our bassplayer were giving it large at the front of the stage as I sang a number. I could have not been happier with our performance and it is one of those moments seared into my psyche. 

Yesterday, I was thinking about what we discussed. I had made the comment glibly. But if what they say is true and your life really does scroll before your eyes, what will it be that you really see? Will it be a showreel of all the good things, meeting the missus, great gigs, the best holidays? Or will it be the worst things, getting the ruler in infants for speling train wrong? Seeing my mum on a drip recovering from cancer and my Dad breaking down in tears when he told me that if mum died, I'd not be put in the orphanage, as a kindly relative had suggested?

Or will it be odd, mundane at the time things, that I've not thought about? Going to see Rex Godwin to get my shoe reheeled in 1969, getting marmite on toast and a cuppa in Sidoli's in Leman St in 1998? For some reason, all of this started to trouble me. The truth is that when I find out, I won't be able to tell you. Or will I? Back in 1988, when I was run over at the lights on the Watling, when I saw the car coming towards me, I realised I was going to die (clearly I was wrong). What happend was actually quite strange. As I saw the car zzooming towards me, I had a moment of extreme calm. In actual fact, my life didn't flash before me. I actually just felt really happy that I'd be seeing my Dad, who'd died the previous year very soon. I felt warm and loved. Then something in my mind snapped into action and I jumped as high as I could. Instead of going under the car, the bonnet hit my thigh, my feet went through the windscreen, I rolled over the roof and fell off, landing on my head. To my surprise, I was alive, albiet in severe pain, broken finger, broken fibia, stress fracture to L2 vertebrae, amongst other things. Many things changed that day, not least my ability to kick a football and run without pain. But the biggest thing is that I no longer feared death. I fear the process, the pain, but not what happens when you pass through that barrier. 

I genuinely don't know whether I am a good or bad person, whether I'll be going upstairs or downstairs, it's not for me to jduge, but the feeling of love I felt in that split second changed my whole perspective of life. But getting back to that showreel. I've done a few good things in my time and I hope that a few of them show up. One thing my conversation with Rambo made me realise is that all of those best moments will be with people I love. I need to remind myself of that sometimes.

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Our next gig, is here. Please come along if you can.

Click the link for tickets

The band put out an EP this week, featuring some of our old recordings featuring guests such as Lee Thompson of Madness Connie Abbe, US singer Charles Honderick and much loved former members of the band. All of these, apart from Saturday are no longer in the set. Have a quick listen and give the band a like

The Sunday Reflection #11 - Tragic scene shows that there are more important things than football as Hadley FC V Kempston Rovers is abandoned

 Up until 3.30pm yesterday, I was having a wonderful weekend. The False Dots gig at The Dublin Castle was wonderful. The headline band Skaface were excellent. As ever it was a great way to catch up with friends and have some fun. I awoke yesterday morning feeling fragile, but with a smile. We walked the dogs, had lunch and I made my way to Brickfield Lane, to watch Hadley FC's final game of the season. This is always a bit of a party. I won't see most of my Hadley friends until our pre season trip to San Marino in June. The club always make a big effort, player of the season awards are dished out and a few beers are consumed for the final game. The team made an awful start to the season, manager Tony Clark tragically lost his son just before the start of the season and not surprisingly this cloud affected everyone. The team started poorly with a string of losses. Another tragedy hit, when popular midfield Luke Alfano's Dad passed away. By Xmas, the club were mired in a relegation struggle. The 150 or so regulars stood by the team, knowing that the club was built on solid foundations and have been punching above their weight, playing in the Southern League central division one. 

In the dark days of winter, it seemed that nothing was going right. And then Father Christmas brought strike Isaac Stones some new scoring boots. Isaac had struggled to find the net after joining the club. He was clearly talented but seemed to lack confidence. All of a sudden, he couldn't stop scoring, finishing as the leagues top scorer. The team went on a stunning run. They almost made the playoffs. Although results last week meant that the playoffs were not mathematically possible, the club could achieve their highest ever points total at step four. They were playing Kempston Rovers, already relegated, with only pride to play for.  

A good crowd gathered and were in fine voice. There was much banter, Kempston play in green, so we sang "You're just a team of Keepers". We then had a jolly time winding up the number nine, about his inability to tie his shoelaces. Kempston seemed to be a rugged team, playing a long ball on the break game. Hadley started fairly sedately. After 36 minutes, Finlay Aldridge broke clear and scored. Much merriment ensured amongst the home supporters. As the game was about to restart, the Kempston keeper Jack Marshall went down on one knee and started signalling to the ref, who was looking the other way, as the game was about to restart. Myself and a couple of other Hadley fans who saw what happened shouted to the ref to check the keeper. He turned around, by which time the keeper was sprawled on the floor.  Immediately recognising that this was a serious situation, the ref called on both sets of physios etc. Steve Gray, the Hadley chairman called an ambulance. 

The Kempston players encircled Jack, and covers were brought, along with a defibrillator. As the severity became clear, fans drifted to the clubhouse. A paramedic, then an ambulance arrived. No one really felt like celebrating, the mood was deflated. The club did it's presentations. Quite a few Barnet fans were at Hadley and watched the Barnet game on the telly. They were in the playoffs. They lost 4-0. 

It was a strange feeling all around. At around 7pm, Jack's mum posted from Barnet hospital that Jack was alright, with pictures of Jack giving the thumbs up. 

A huge thank you to @Kempston_Rovers & @hadleyfc players, management and supporters. @JackDanielMars1 suffered a cardiac arrest on the pitch, he has an ICD that thankfully did it's job! He is awake and grateful to everyone 🙏💙 pic.twitter.com/JzVZ9JE7iv

— Samantha Marshall (@SamanthaCorrig3) April 27, 2024

That was really the only result I cared about. When I saw the pictures, I realised that Jack is about the same age as my own son. My son was a talented keeper for Watling boys but had to give up playing after damaging his ACL. As a parent, the worst thing is when something happens to your kids and my heart goes out to Samantha, his mum. Just before the incident, Jack displayed some rather tasty footwork and is clearly a very good keeper. I hope that he recovers and that he appears between the sticks again, if it is possible.

Yesterday was a harrowing day. Football is one of my great loves, but seeing Jack departing in an ambulance gave me a heavy heart and put things in perspective. It made me appreciate my own kids. When I got back, I felt overjoyed just to see my son and daughter doing the ordinary things they do. I've seen many things on the football field, but thankfully nothing like what I saw yesterday. At times in my life, I've felt like football was the most important thing on the planet. Yesterday put this into sharp focus, but on reflection it also showed something else. The reaction of the both clubs and the fans, when it became clear what was happening should be a source of some joy. It brought out the best in everyone. The reaction to Samantha's post showed the good side of social media, with everyone sending best wishes. In truth. we were all helpless onlookers as the paramedics came and the ambulance left but we can show Jack and Samantha we care. 

This morning, when I got up, my daughter had prepared my wife and I a lovely breakfast, for no apparent reason. I probably haven't said it enough on this blog, but I love my kids, they are the future. I wish it hadn't happened, but the incidents of yesterday made me realise that we should cherish those we love as things can change anytime, in a second.

Wherever you are, have a great Sunday and appreciate what you've got.

Have we lost the ability to laugh at ourselves?

 On Wednesday night, I went up to the Etihad Stadium in Manchester, to watch City play Aston Villa. For those of you not particularly familiar with the rituals of football supporters, one of the biggest joys is singing songs to wind up your rivals. For decades, Aston Villa fans have sung "Champions of Europe, you'll never sing that", to wind up the City fans about the relative lack of success in Europe's premiere competition. Villa won it in the 1980's. Last season, Manchester City won the trophy. Wednesday's game was the first game at the Etihad since. About half way through, the City fans started chanting the song. It was a rather sarcastic and ironic riposte to the years of wind ups from Villa. If you were there, you probably sniggered. However, the Telly pundits completely missed the joke and social media was alight with how 'ignorant the City fans are'. 

It made me think about how humour in the UK has changed over my lifetime. In  the 1960's, you laughed at anything. Tragdey, misfortune, race, religion, your mother in law, your mate's spots and freckles, etc. Most of all, you had to laugh at yourself. When I was at FCHS, one bloke in our class was teased merciless for five years, because he burst into tears on the first day. Another was teased for having a German name. One of my best mates, got mercilessly teased by the teachers for his eczma, being taunted as 'Baconface' by one. To our credit, we didn't join in. Eventually my pal had enough and retorted by responding with "Toadface". The teacher, taken back, responded with "You can't call me that bacon face". To which, he got the riposte "Why not, you call Baconface, Toadface". We all roared laughing and like most bullies, Toadface backed off.  If you didn't laugh along,  you'd go mad. Don't get me wrong, much of the humour was harsh, cruel and pitiless and if you were the continual butt of jokes it would have been horrible, but somehow we did manage to laugh.

I think that everyone in our class at FCHS had a fairly disparaging nickname. hedgehog, snail, Nelly The Elephant were just a few of the lesser ones that I could put in a blog without reprimand. Mine? I was known as Tramp, mostly because of my unique clothing style, mostly based on the fact that my mum didn't believe in buying new clothes for children. "If it's been good enough for the six fanning boys, it's good enough for you". Until I was about 14, it bothered me. Then punk came along, and it worked to my advantage. I had a nickname that was pretty punk already. I also had a paper round and could buy my own clothes. A pair of pink flourescent socks fell foul of the powers that be at FCHS. The Headmaster told my mum it was a sign that I had homosexual tendencies, which was seen as the worst thing possible at the school at the time. Mum replied that Elvis wore pink socks and he definitely wasn't gay, which the headmaster had no answer for. By then, I'd stopped caring what the Headmaster thought. When Mum told me, I laughed. I told her that if my mode of dress was upsetting him, I was happy.

When we started a band, we all took it very seriously. Any criticism was seen as not funny at all. Our first review was in a fanzine called Xpert-I. It said "The only thing more immature than their music was their sense of humour". The rest of the band were livid, but I laughed and made a badge with the logo on. When Pete Conway left the band, I made a badge saying "Pete Conway never could sing". I bumped into him at a Fall gig six months later. He saw the badge and asked if he could have it. It became a prized part of his attire. He even wore it for a newspaper interview when he launched his solo career!

Being in a band in the early 1980's required a thick skin. When Allen Ashley joined the band, our first gig as a full band was at The Cricklewood Hotel. A yobbo in the audience kept directing aggressive comments in his direction. Allen was getting upset. The idiot, who was standing with his girlfriend, then turned his ire on me. He announced "You are a right ugly bastard". I grabbed the mic and replied "That's not what your girlfriend said when she was giving me a nosh before we came on". After that, he shut up. At the end, he came up and said "That was a bit harsh". I replied "If you can't take it, don't dish it out". He ended up being my best mate and buying me a pint. Allen told me later that he had been cross I'd been so rude to him, but realised it was the way to deal with hecklers. 

When you go to see comedy and you heckle, you should expect to be firmly dealt with and not get upset. I do sometimes wonder if we are losing the ability to laugh at ourselves.  There is little comedy that is actually funny, as no one wants to offend anyone. I suspect that this actually not good for us. 

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Anyway, if you want a good night out, why not come along to The Bull Theatre in Barnet on the 13th. The False Dots will be playing with The Silencerz, which is always a great night,if you like a bit of Ska and Reggae.

When everything else has gone, you still have music

 Have you ever reached that point where you just feel like you've had enough of it all, you can see no great reason to carry on and you can see no way out of the situation you are in? I was rather surprised to open the Guaridan this morning and find myself reading the story of the final few weeks of someone I vaguely know. They had stage 4 bowel cancer and took the decision to travel to Switzerland and end their life. They spent the preceding few weeks living life to the full and I presume took the decision to end their life before things became truly intolerable. I must confess that I found the article profoundly disturbing, on many levels. It is 100% clear to me that the law is not fit for purpose in this regard. It is obvious that Paola Marra was more than capable of making her mind up to visit Dignitas and it is ridiculous that anyone should risk prosecution by going with her, assisting her. I have reservations when people cannot demonstrate mental capacity, but where it is clear cut, someone has a disease like bowel cancer, where treatment paths are exhausted and all that you can be certain is that today will be bad and tomorrow will be worse, then I can't deny anyone the right to end it all at the time of their choosing and be around their loved ones at the moment.

Why this causes me so much angst is that I have two friends who lost children to suicide.  Like Paola Miller, we can only presume that they felt the situation was beyond hopeless, but unlike Paola, they were not in a good place when they made their decision and were clearly deeply troubled. Both seem to have been influenced by online material and I have little doubt that had things worked out a little bit different, at some point both would have been overjoyed that they survived. The thing that is sadly the same for both them and Paola, is that in the UK the law, the powers that be and the medical industry does not support their situation adequately. All have been let down. 

I have not been at the point where I have seriously considered taking my own life, but I have on three seperate occasions been at a point where it did, for a short period of time, seem a realistic option. The first time was when I was a very unhappy teenager aged 14 and I simply felt that I was living on the wrong planet. I was an undiagnosed dyslexic, doing terribly at a school, which had an extremely oppresive environment. I had mates, but no close friends that I could tell anything at all to. The second time was when I was 22 and I had serious health (not mental health issues) issues following the breakdown of a very significant relationship and the band splitting up. I was living on my own in a horrible flat and the firm I was working for had just been taken over, the new firm were encouraging me to leave, as I didn't have a degree, which was a requirement for their technical staff. The third time was last year, on the day when I was told that my cancer situation was far more serious than I had expected and that I had to have treatment, which would, most likely, remove all erectile function. By a cruel twist of calendar, my wife was away at the time. I have never felt so low and lonely and for a couple of days was in a horrble place and I was extremely angry with everything, as well as rather depressed.

Each time, I was in a dark place. The circumstances of each time were very different, but oddly, the solution, for me was the same and I realised something last year that no one ever tells you. We come into this life alone and we leave alone. There may be people there, but whatever happens before we are born and after we die, it is a journey we make alone. I've always hated being alone. When I was a kid and may parents were not around, I heard every creak in the house. When I was fourteen, my folks went to Australia for three months, leaving me with my brother and his wife who were wonderful. When the returned at Xmas, I went home and realised that they really didn't want a stroppy teenager in the house. I felt very alone.

When I was 22, in my grotty flat, without the person I'd been with for two years, it was grim. Having no one to talk to, share a cup of tea with, chat to was horrible. I cannot imagine how prisoners cope with solitary confinement. When I had my cancer diagnosis last year, it was something I really needed to talk about, but no one was home (well the kids and the dogs were, but in some ways that was worse, I didn't want to burden the kids and the dogs were just too cheerful). 

What lifted me out of these troughs? From Xmas 1976 to June 1977 was awful for me. Then on 6th June, I saw The Ramones at the Roundhouse. I'd never really got music until then. It was revealation. Any depression lifted and I found my gang. I'd listen to John Peel at night, go to gigs and started planning a band. When I felt down, I'd put an album on. I bought a stereo system and some headphones and things became alright. Music healed my soul.

In 1984/5 when things were at there worst, I picked up my guitar. The band had split up, I was physically in very poor shape and had been hospitalised for an extended period following a stomach bleed. I started to play a few notes and realised that I couldn't make the noises I wanted. So I vowed to practice for three hours a day. For maybe three months, I lead a very Zen existence, where I would go to work, come home and then just practice guitar. I bought a Tascam Port-A-Studio and started to write songs. I then enrolled in a songwriting course. After a few months, I made the decision to get the band back together, with a new line up. The constant practicising, learning new chords and scales payed off. It was the one time in my life, where I really felt on top of the instrument. It chased the dark shadows away and let the light in.

Last year, when I was at a real low point, not knowing what to do, I decided that I would not have surgery. I would let the cancer take it's course and then do what Paola did when it became unbearable. My reasoning was that I'd have 2-5 years where I would still be fully functional and then, well so what? I ran a bath, took my phone and a speaker and put on my Wire playlist. I sat in the bath, in floods of tears, just wishing I was someone else, somewhere else and not going through this. I had never felt so alone. But then the music started to cut through. There is a line in the song "A mutual friend" that says

So precipitous a decision

Has clouded your vision

And altered the pitch of your tune

Please don't turn a deaf ear to the noises you hear

While savagely your love you prune

This really hit home. It was a wakeup call. Written by someone I don't know, for reasons I never understood, but for a few seconds, it unclouded my vision. I didn't feel miraculously OK. But a penny dropped. Whatever happens in life, I want music in it. Whatever happens, music is always there. It is an inspiration and a therapy. I followed the Wire playlist with a blast of The Ramones. It is impossible to be miserable for too long if you listen to The Ramones. I followed that by listening to one of my own songs, "Buy me a bottle of Jack", a song I wrote about facing up to living with cancer.

The False Dots · Buy me a bottle of Jack

I realised I am not ready for the "Bottle of Jack" yet. There is still stuff to do. Yesterday, a Facebook friend asked what song do want played at your funeral. I gave my choice. I've told everyone that I want "I'm stuck in a Pagoda with Tricia Toyota" to be played. What I'd not given any thought to is what playlist I'd like playing for my final moments, as I drift to the next plane (assuming I don't get hit by a bus). (Maybe that will be the next playlist I put together).

I do wonder what people who do not have my deep love of music do when they are at rock bottom? For some, they never really listen to the lyrics, don't appreciate the playing and the solo's. It is just a pleasant noise in the background. I just don't get that. To me, it is a gateway to something or somewhere better. When I play with my band, it elevates me. The act of playing makes you focus. It is a good form of therapy. I was once asked whether I thought 'being a musician makes people self destructive" given so many young people who are musicians die early. I was flabberghasted. It is clear to me that the opposite is true. Being someone who needs something in their life and is struggling, makes music attractive and gives them a gateway out of the horrors that they otherwise may have to deal with. For some, even being in the finest bands in the world and writing the best music is simply not enough and they succumb to the grind that is life. But music gave them a reason.

There is more to life than simply existing. For me, when you lose everything you can still have music in your life. I've known this for most of my life, but only recently properly appreciated the fact.

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My band, The False DOts are affirming life this Saturday! Live at the Beehive in Bow!
If you love a party, come on down. It will be fun, if it isn't I'll give you your entry fee back!

Tickets at www.seetickets.com/event/underground-sound-presents-the-beehive/the-beehive-at-bow-bow/2940927?src=the%20false%20dots

What do you really want from life?

Last year was a difficult one for me, both physically and mentally. I started the year having to stop playing five a side football, then was diagnosed with a flare up of my prostate cancer, which required life changing surgery. I spent much of the second half of the year bordering on depression and in a state of anxiety. As they say, all good things come to an end. Bad things do too, something we should remind ourselves of. As we head towards the end of the first month of 2024, I find myself in a completely different place mentally. My ankle had not recovered, the side effects of the surgery are slowly disippating and I am coming to terms with them, and most of all I have managed to regain a degree of positivity. 

As the evening start to get lighter, I am hoping this will take firm root. I have spent the last six months thinking about what I want from life. Being in a negative frame of mind, much of this was based around thinking about what I could no longer do, how I've physically diminished and how this was making me feel rather anxious and low. 

I started the new year, with a plan. As I had been feeling low, I'd self medicated with alcohol. Although I try and keep to a regime of three days a week where I don't drink, I slipped a bit. I justified this by saying I had a few weeks after the op where I didnt drink, so I was in credit. What was the real problem was that on the days I did drink, I was really binge drinking and undoing the good work of the days off. Furthermore, I was being greedy with food and eating many things that normally I simply don't fancy. I am not really a sweets and cakes person, but I probably ate more than I've eaten ever. I wasnt even particularly enjoying it. My weight responded as you'd expect and I gained a stone and a half.

As I often do, I stopped drinking for two weeks at the start of January. I find that this is a bit of a reset. I also stopped the habit of the chocolates and sweets. Since the start of the year, simply by doing this, my weight had dropped by 4kg. I am also finding myself feeling positive again, which has been my default. 

I have turned my thoughts again to "What do I want from life?" but this time thinking about all of the the things I do want, which I can do.  The one thing I can do is music, which I love. A strange quirk of my psyche is that the more miserable I am, the more creative I am musically. As the depression has lifted, I find that I have few, if any ideas for new songs. This is a good thing, as we have a backlog of material to work out properly. I can arrange tracks as this is a more disciplined task, so it is all falling into place rather well. Music gives me a perspective on my life and gives me feedback on my state of mind.  The band has gigs lined up and we want to release an album. I am actively finishing this off.

Then there are my friends and family. They are the best thing in my life. Yesterday I had a Damascene revealtion. This may sound odd, but as I chilled out and relaxed (the family were at the cinema), a really important realisation came to me. This will sound silly, but please hear me out. The thought popped into my mind "People are not psychic". This may sound obvious, but how often do we simply accept that people know things. We don't tell people how we care for and appreciate them. We get cross when they don't do something we assume that they would if they wre sensible. I realised that I have taken them very much for granted over the last half year, as I concentrated on my own issues. Now is time to put something back. 

But as I pondred this, I realised that much of the anger we expend is because we expect people to be psychic. When we curse the driver in front of us for not indicating or cutting us up, do we consider their state of mind? Maybe there is a good reason? Maybe if we just assuned when people drive badly that they have a challenge in their life, it would save us a lot of anger and make us calmer. 

How often do we hear people saying "I'm having a bad day". How often do we say "sit down, have a cup of tea and tell me all about it". When you get in from a hard days work and your partner is scowling at you, or your children are silent and grumpy, do you avoid them, crack a joke to try and lighten the mood or ask if there's anything you can do? Sadly I am guilt of usually avoiding people or annoying them when they are in need of a bit of support.  Then when I need support, I wonder why they treat me the same.

If someone was to ask me what I wanted from life, I'd say "to be happy and healthy", but I'm not sure that is a proper answer. I want all of my friends and family to be happy and healthy, I am never truly happy when a friend is suffering. I can't shut that out and I'd rather be there for them in a crisis than be happy whilst they suffer. I've come to realise that the first step to getting what I want from life is simply to try and share any happiness I might have, in the hope that a little bit of comes back when I need it. 

I truth, my friends did that for me last year. Perhaps I was to introverted at the time to appreciate it. I didn't make a resolution at the start of the year, but I will be trying to spread a bit more happiness. If we all did that, maybe the question in the title would answer itself.

The Sunday Reflection #1 - Change is a good thing

 For the last decade or so, I've had a little Sunday ritual. I get up, make the missus breakfast, then do the "Tweets of The Week" blog, then go to Mass. When I finish, I go oo Boucherie Gerard, get what I need for Sunday Lunch. I then return, make lunch, watch the football and generally (if we are not seeing a gig), have a relatively early, chilled night. Last week, I did this for the last time, well the Tweets of the week, you can click here to read here why I'm not doing that anymore. I woke up this morning and realised I'll miss doing it. I had a ritual. I made a note of any during the week that caught my eye, then I'd search on all of the areas of the Borough such as Burnt Oak, Edgware, Cricklewood etc to see what I'd missed. This was actually great. I came across all sorts of wonderful Tweeters and many interesting things that fascinated me. A few of the Tweeters that I randomly found and became people I met and admire deserve a mention as I wrap this up

@Superfast72, @Time_NW - Mark Amies - I think I first noticed Mark through his support for the Railway Hotel campaign. Mark became a friend and we made several videos together. He is a top bloke and I could always rely on him to provide a good tweet or two. In fact I probably discriminated against him in the end, not posting great tweets in the list, because I felt I had to widen the net! Thanks Mark. 

@Finchleybirder - Samuel Levy - Samuel's work documenting the wildlife of Darlands is amazing. He contributed a guest blog concerning the proposed power station next to the nature reserve. He also helped me enormously when I contributed a chapter to the West London Wildlife book (a great present for any Londoners who like wildlife and exploring). Thanks Samuel 

@Milepost13 - Robin Morel - The local Network Rail infrastructure man. A great source of info on matters Thameslink. He's kindly arranged for me to have a look around the Cricklewood train maintenance facility on a couple of occasions, which has been fascinating, as someone interested in the Borough and London's industrial history and architecture. Thanks Robin

Thanks to everyone else I featured. I will still be keeping an eye out. I should really have included this in last weeks blog, but better late than never.

Change. It can be difficult, but it is a very good thing as well. I have had three massive changes in my life recently. Two of these have been extremely difficult and I have and am struggling to deal with them. 

In August 2022, when attending my nephews wedding in |Crete, I turned my ankle over and badly sprained it. It has not been the same since. In March, having played football all of my life, I made the decision to stop playing until it healed. I currently still am wearing an ankle support. It hasn't healed. I am getting my head around the fact that I may well have played my last football match. Football kept me fit and was a big release from the stress of life.  Stress is the biggest killer of all. I haven't really worked out how to fill this gap.

Also in March (could it be related to the stress of stopping football), I learned that my prostate cancer had flared up. I found myself faced with the awful choice of ignoring it, having radiotherapy or surgery. In August, I had surgery. The effects have been life changing. I'm lucky that I am continent, but currently I have no sexual function. I find this to be a very difficult thing to deal with. My major fear with regard to surgery was losing this. I seriously thought about just ignoring it and letting the cancer take its course. There are times when I wish I had. Another few years of normal life, enjoying myself and then a trip to Switzerland when the pain got too much. I may have been hit by a bus before it got to that and I'd have had a far better time. As this would not really be fair on Clare or the kids, I discounted the option, but it will also be a what if. I am struggling to pick a positive out of this change. I wish I could see something good in it. I've been told that things can take three years to return (if they do). Maybe in thee years time, I'll be writing a blog about how good a decision I made, to encourage other blokes that there is a future.

Now reading this, you may be thinking that it's all gloom and doom. It isn't. There has been one massive positive for me, that came out of a very tragic situation. I've been playing guitar in The False Dots  for 44 years. I've always enjoyed it. The band has always had a vocalist. In early 2021, when we still had lockdown, the band started rehearsing as a three piece. There were no plans to do anything more than 'get a few numbers together'. I had written a song that I wanted to try and get Lee Thompson of Madness (who is a mate of mine) and Jenny Bellstar to sing. I did a rough recording and my kids said "Dad, it sounds good, you should sing it". I was surprised to say the least, but this inspired me. I started to write songs that I could sing. I've always been a prolific song writer, I have hundreds in my unused song book. Most have been written with other people in mind and simply didn't work. 

Anyway, cut a long story short, last September, we did a gig at The Dublin Castle. It went down a storm and we've been given a residency. By the end of this year (God willing), we've done more gigs than any year since 1984! Whats more, I now feel that I can call myself a singer, not just a bloke with a guitar who does a bit of vocals. Don't get me wrong, my style of vocals is very stylised. If you like Ian Dury/The Clash/Madness/The Specials you may enjoy it. If you prefer Whitney Houston or George Michael, I'm sure you'll hate it. I have come to the conclusion that I'm a good band frontman. It is actually beyond me that I didn't properly try and do the job previously. Well actually I do know. I was kicked out of the choir for being "Tone deaf" at Church. Every time I opened my mouth I was told "You can't sing" so I believed them. Even the liberation of Punk rock in 1977 couldn't break that curse. Furthermore I wrote songs that were intended for people who could sing more conventionally.

With our new material, the songs are very Ian Duryesque. They are more stories than songs. They tell tales. They have characters. They take you on a journey and the music paints a picture. I genuinely think it works rather well. I had always dreamed that The False Dots would find an amazing singer, write them some brilliant songs that suited their vocal style and the band would get a degree of recognition and do brilliant gigs, make some amazing recordings and  get a record deal. We've done two of the three, to be honest, we will probably release the record ourselves!

But the point is that at age 61, I have discovered a new talent and have something that is making me feel good about the future. I guess that none of this is how I thought things would be at the start of the year.  I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but I strongly believe that if you work hard, God gives you what you ask for in life. Not when you want it, in the way you want it or how you imagined it. But if someone told me that at age 61, I'd have a band playing the Dublin Castle regularly, and in the words of Talking Heads 

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"

Indeed!

Have a great weekend. Here's the song that inspired this blog today! And please come down and see the band on the 23rd December at The Dublin Castle - Tickets here http://wegottickets.com/event/598026/