Saturday, 26 October 2013

The Saturday List #45 - Five hints (David Cameron style) for keeping warm in Barnet in winter

David Cameron has been giving advice to cash strapped pensioners on how to keep warm this winter, in the face of ever spiralling costs. The Barnet Eye shares the Prime Ministers concerns and so has compiled our own list of handy hints on how to keep warm.

1. Sit in Starbucks. As we all know, Starbucks have a clever wheeze to avoid paying taxes. Given that the vast majority of pensioners have spent their lives paying taxes, we suggest turning off the heat at home and sitting in Starbucks reading the paper all day. When you get thirsty or hungry, just nip down the road to another establishment, or bring a flask and sandwiches. If they get irate and call the Police, I'd suggest that that you inform the Police that Starbucks haven't paid there taxes, so should not be entitled to help from the constabulary.

2. Find a nice library which the council has closed and go and squat in it. When Occupy took over Friern Barnet library last year, they were amazed to find the Central Heating had been left on. It seems to me obscene that the taxpayer pays to heat empty buildings, whilst pensioners are freezing to death.

3. Have a non serious accident and go to A&E. You will have hours of fun waiting to be seen, but at least you will be warm.

4. Attend any Council meeting where Councillor Rajput is speaking. Councillor Rajput is not known for his brevity. Whilst some councillors like to wrap things up quickly, Councillor Rajput likes to give you the full value for your money. He also produces copious amounts of hot air.

5. Make a poster urging voters not to vote for a bumtuous local politician. Local Cafe owner Helen Michael did this and got to visit a nice warm police station with two members of Special Branch, keen to find out whether in between making bacon rolls, she had a secret Lara Croft like persona, where she would pose a grave risk to the safety of local councillors. Sadly Helen had to rush back to the cafe, but you could drag it out for weeks. You'd get lots of free cups of tea and all the dinners you can eat. You might even get a few free ciggies if you are lucky.

Of course the best advice I can give you is not to vote for parties lead by crass idiots who make stupid pronouncements about people who are in circumstances they clearly cannot comprehend.

For the absence of doubt, this blog entry is a rather trite attempt at humour. My personal advice is to keep your house warm and if the companies want to sue you, then fight them all the way. You will find they are not allowed to turf you out on the streets or put the bailiffs on you.

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