Friday 22 February 2019

The Positive benefits of a Hard Brexit

I have a confession to make. Like St Paul on the road to Damascus, I have had a revealation. Mine was on the road to Dunstable, delivering some lube oil for a Slumpet to an indisposed musician. Whilst I normally listen to Robert Elms on BBC Radio London, I'd had to borrow a car as madame had mine. The borrowed motor, although a fine beast of 1950's heritage, didn't have a working radio. As poodled up the A5, I got to thinking about #Brexit and I realised that I've been fundamentally wrong about the whole Brexit issue. Not only that, I realised that the happiest and healthiest thing for the UK would be if the hardest of hard Brexits took place and it turned out that Project Fear was right. 

Such a hard Brexit will result in food shortages that will require rationing for the foreseeable future. As happened in 1940’s this will cut obesity and diabetes. If there are energy shortages this will see the return ifTed Heaths three day week, which massively increased uk industrial productivity and gave us all 2 days extra off. Lack of imported food will improve profitability of local food producers. And most importantly, Music is always better in times of recession and difficulty, so I eagerly await a resurgence of punk rock and 40s Glen Miller swing.

The more I pondered the issues, the more I saw the immense benefits. A lack of medicines would result in a massive decrease in people needing treatment by the NHS as they are wheeled off to the morgue, resolving the budget crises. We will no longer need to rip up the green belt to house the people attractec by a booming economy. As for poor air quality, none of us will be able to afford petrol as that is traded in hard currency and the £ will crash, so we'll all have to walk, get the train or use our rusty old bicycles.  We'll be far fitter. As spares for German and French cars become impossible to source, due to queues at customs, Honda will realise their mistake and we'll soon be all be driving around in British made Japanese cars. 

As for litter, as we will no longer be able to afford expensive sugar based sweets and drinks, our parks and hedge rows will be spotless from litter.

It all made perfect sense. I was so excited about this that when I arrived at Joe's and handed over his consignment of lube oil, I just had to share all of this. Joe smiled and suggested I have a nice cup of tea and a chocolate digestive. After this and a quick discussion about the relative merits of the trombone playing of J.J. Johnson and Billy Watrous I found myself feeling much better. 

I do wonder what Mrs T had slipped in my porridge at breakfast, I think she's had enough of me and is trying to do me in. I am feeling much better now. She has been acting very strangely recently, I am not sure whether it was just the full moon or the first sun of the spring.

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