Tuesday 22 August 2023

A birthday to forget and a year to forget

 Exactly a year ago, I posted a birthday blog. It was reflective and positive. I'd just had a wonderful 60th Birthday party. The year was going rather swimmingly until March, when prostate cancer bit me on the bum big time. By nature, I am a positive person. I look forward, I believe that our best days are ahead of us. My philosophy is always glass half full, waiting to be emptied and refilled. But the last six months have been difficult, to say the least. By a cruel quirk of fate, it occurs the day before I have my catheter removed following prostate surgery. I am now more or less over the pain of the operation, although I am tired. I have made a decision to not drink at the moment. It can hinder recovery. Much as I'd love to get sloshed this evening when the family come over, I'll be on the water. I don't need alcohol to have a good time, but it will probably be the first birthday I've had since I was 15 where I will be stone cold sober. 

So how has my day been. I woke up to the wonderful sight of my beautiful wife. Leaned over to give her a kiss and managed to pull out the pipe to my cathetar night bag. Not a good start. I thought I'd listen to the False Dots new album. We've put this on preview at Soundcloud pending full release. Have a listen. I think it sounds rather good. 

If you think it sounds OK, please join us at the Dublin Castle on the 15th September. That will be me real birthday this year. I promise it will be a show to remember. We have several big surprises for the night. You can get advance cheap tickets here www.wegottickets.com/event/587027/

Having a postive focus is a good thing. The thought I may have to wear nappies is not! Nappies. I've mentioned many times that, as a child, I never spoke until I was four years old. What I've never really mentioned is that I was dry more or less as soon as I could walk. I don't remember, but I must have hated nappies. My mum told me that I saw one of my brothers pee'ing on the the bluebells at the end of the garden and spent six months doing the same. Eventually she persuaded me to use the toilet. The idea of nappies is alien, but necessary. I have all sorts of dark thoughts. What if I wet myself on stage? Should I have a beer at the gig? Should I get Clare to drive me home? 

Most performers have nightmares about embarrassing yourself on stage, I have managed to make a situation where there is ultimate scope for this. Can you imagine pissing yourself on stage, in front of all your friends? It would be easy to run and hide, but that is not my nature. It would be easier to postpone, hide, run away. That is not me. Call me stupid, reckless, whatever. I want to live. I've no idea where this journey ends, but I guarantee that whilst I can still breath, I will be squeexing what fun I can out of life. 

If I had my way, I'd simply cancel today. The kids want to do something for me. I think that they do not like the idea of me moping around on my birthday. It seems I have little choice in this. We'll have a nice dinner and a pleasant evening. Tomorrow, I'll have a better idea of where I am with regards to all of this. Sadly, much as I want to cancel my Birthday, the truth is that I am 61, I have had potentially life changing surgery. What bugs me most though, is that I don't see myself as a 61 year old. I want to play rock and roll music and party. But the good Lord, in all his wisdom has but a big size 9 boot into my plans and dreams. At some point, I hope I'll write a blog about the positives I've taken from all of this. I hope that date is soon, maybe the gig on  15th September? Maybe tomorrow, when the catheter comes out? In truth I'm lucky, I have a great family. I have amazing friends. I have a good lifestyle. Hopefully I am cancer free and I'll fully recover. I'm not depressed or having a bad day. I just like to have a proper birthday and that cannot happen. 

Today,  I just don't feel like celebrating. Please allow me to be miserable today.

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