It's coming up to that time again. Tomorrow I go for my six monthly PSA test. It has been 2.5 years since my radical prostatectomy and all of the tests have been clear since then. Most of the time I don't think about cancer returning, but between now and when I get the result, it will loom large in my thoughts. I have spoken to plenty of other people who have been through a brush with cancer and have come through the other side and they all tell you that this is a very unpleasant period. I have no idea if I will ever not need PSA tests. At the moment I have one every six months. I'd gladly never have another one, but I don't want the b****rd disease to get me so if this is the price, then so be it.
I realised recently that there are four stages of having cancer, each has its challenges, The stage where you blissfully don't know you've got it. The stage where you are told you have it, but you know you have it, but are waiting to see what happens next. The stage where they are treating it or you are recovering from treatment and the stage where you are told that you are as OK as they can ever tell you. If I am still clear in August, I will move to the fourth stage, if tomorrow or August's test brings bad news, I will be back to stage two or three. For me, the waiting and seeing lasted from 2011 to 2015 and again from 2016 to 2024. It was easy to get lulled into a false sense of security. When the PSA starts going up again for prostate cancer sufferers, it is truly awful. When we await the result, it is like peaking into the windows of Hell.
I don't deal with this period particularly well. I am very snappy. I snapped at my wife for no real reason a couple of times today. Something I rarely do. I couldn't really understand why, until I started to write this blog. In truth I just want it all out of the way. The awful truth for anyone who has 'had a brush with cancer' is that this s**t will be a part of your life from now on. Maybe I am just weak and stupid and don't cope with such things very well, but its a quarter past eight in the evening and all I want to do is go to sleep and pretend it isn't happening.
And the silly thing is that there is almost certainly nothing wrong with me. You may wonder why I am sharing this today. Well I was having a chat with a mate a week or so ago, who was going through a similar thing and I realised that on this horrible roller coaster ride at the worlds worst theme park, cancer valley, there are many nuanced ways in which you suffer. For me, cancer has become more of a mental health issue than a physical one. I am not afriad to say that and if you are feeling stressed, you are not alone.
And if you are just a bit curious, here is a little song and video I made about my experience having a prostatectomy. For 50 weeks of the year, I am fine. That is the upside, but until I get my test results, I am feeling rather anxious.
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