Monday, 28 December 2015

My Predictions for 2016

Well here we are at the end of 2015. The good news, if you are reading this is that we are both still alive (well at least I am right now and I assume you are because you are reading it). What will the future hold? Here's a few predictitons from me.

January.
Jose Mourinho announced as Manchester United manager and  United lose his first game in charge. 
Following the mildest Winter in recorded history, on January 21st, the wind direction changes and we are greeted with an arctic blizzard. Thameslink services grind to a halt due to "unusually bad weather conditions"

February.
Gary Linekar  predicts that Arsenal will win the league by ten points following Arsene Wenger winning manager of the month award for January. Arsenal lose there next five games.
David Cameron announces that the UK mission to Syria has been a complete success and ISIS have seen 50% of their territory lost. Later in the month Cameron announces that RAF bombing to be stepped up to counter a significant threat to the UK
Following the coldest February on record, Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

March.
Manchester City announce that Pepe Guardiola is to take over from Manuel Pelligrini at the end of the season to "Take City to the next level". Pelligrini wins the Capital One Cup, which has been postponed due to bad weather in February, the first of four trophys in the season, to become the most successful ever UK league manager, winning the Quadruple.
Barnet Tories announce that residents can get a £50 rates rebate if they dispose of their own rubbish and don't have a wheelie bin. The police are swamped with calls from neighbours complaining of having rubbish put in their bin. Following high rainfall Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions".

April.
Manchester United Part company with Jose Mourinho following a disasterous run of results that sees United fall out of Champions League positions. Ryan Giggs takes over as interim manager. United thank Mourinho for his hard work and he leaves to take over at Real Madrid, guiding them to the defeat in the Champions League final against Manchester City.
The race for the Mayor of London hots up as Zac Goldsmiths recognition ratings soar to nearly five percent. The BBC denies that Sadiq Khan is to be the next  Dr Who, following a bungled Tory "Sadiq Who?" campaign. Sadiq takes to wear Dr Who shades and carrying a  sonic screwdriver and sees his ratings soar.
London experiences unusually strong gales.  Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

May.
Gus Hiddink pulls of a minor miracle to see Chelsea qualify for the Champions League, following a 12 match winning streak. Roman Abramovich rewards him with the Sack
Sadiq "Who" romps to victory in the London Mayor elections. Boris Johnson causes a storm when  he announces that Khan's female deputy Mayor is a bit of a K9. Boris Johnsons ratings soar.
London experiences unusually hot weather, Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions".

June.
England lose all three matches in the first round of the Euros. Roy Hodgson sacked.
George Osborne announces that he will be taking over from David Cameron after the European Referendum. Boris Johnson and Theresa May, immediatey call for a ballot.
Foggy conditions engulf London following brush fires caused by hot weather. Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

July.
Chelsea appoint Didier Drogba as manager. Manchester United appoint Mark Hughes as manager. 
Following his election as GLA representative in Barnet and Camden, Dan Thomas launches leadership Challenge against Richard Cornelius in Barnet Council. Blogger Mrs Angry announces it as "John Thomas shafts slippery Dick".
Sadiq Khan announces that he is launching a competition to choose a new name for London, as London is too closely associated with the imperial past of London and its role in the Slave trade.

August
The new football season starts.  Chelsea lose 11-0 to Manchester United on the opening day and Roman Abramovich sacks Drogba. Frank Lampard is appointed as manager. Due to a clerical error, Frank Lampard senior is the person who signed "The boy was out when the letter came". Abramovich, toughs it out and says "Frank Lampard Senior has my full support"
Dan Thomas trounces Richard Cornelius in the Conservative Leadership election in Barnet. Richard graciously announces "I've had a jolly nice time and I am sure Dan will have an equally lovely time. In a parting shot, Cornelius readmits Brian Coleman to the party and makes him chair of the Chipping Conservatives. He says "I think Brian will give Dan all the help he needs to make a success of the job, and almost suppresses a smirk". John Hart stands down as Mill Hill Candidate and Brian Coleman stands as Tory candidate.
Following the wettest August on record, Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

September
Chelsea build a 7 point lead at the top of the lead, frank Lampard senior announces "I don't know why I didn't try this earlier, its a doddle. I should have listened to 'arry years ago".
Brian Coleman loses by election to Lib Dems in shock result as local blogger rejoins the party and runs strong ABC (Anyone But Coleman) campaign. Coleman annouces "I'm not surprised, I always hated Mill Hill". Tories lose control of the council and Lab/LibDem coalition takes over. Lib Dems insist that Kath McGuirk takes over as head of the council, as she is the only candidate that has the full support of both groups.
Following a chilly September and numerous leaves on the line Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions".

October.
Chelsea lead table by 11 points, Frank Lampard has longest winning streak in Premiership history and look bang on for the title. Mark Hughes sacked at United as Ryan Giggs takes over as caretaker till the end of the season.
Councillor Maureen Braun steps down in Hendon, saying she can't be bothered to be in opposition. Brian Coleman stands as her replacement and loses spectacularly to UKIP candidate Adrian Murray Leonard. Murray Leonard makes hilarious acceptance speech (censored for the faint hearted) "Matthew Offord, you can stick this up your ****, you ****** little ****", Offord announces in Parliament the following day that Murray Leonard has been having unnatural relationships with frozen chickens in the car park of Sainsburys, ending his rant with "Ha Ha you *******, I can say what I like about you here chum and there is nothing you can do ****"
Following a hailstone storm Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

November.
Chelsea extend their lead to 14 points at the top of the title. Frank Lampard wins third consecutive manager of the month award.
Following two byelection losses, Dan Thomas resigns as Conservative group leader. After insisting that the group say "Please, please, pretty please with bells on" Richard Cornelius resumes in charge of the Barnet Tories. Three Labour Councillors defect to Tories to take commitee chairman roles, with fat allowances, and Tories resume control of council.  Leader of the Labour group announces "As committed Blairites, we cannot abide the Corbyn doctrine any more and think Richard is a far more sensible chap". Labour Group leader McGuirk is arrested in Council Chamber for attacking defector with an iron bar. The press report she is dragged screaming "We know where you live" by the police.
Following a Tornado in Kentish Town, Thameslink services grind to a complete halt "unusually bad weather conditions"

December.
After  a 16 game winning streak in all competitions, Chelsea are narrowly beaten 1-0 by Manchester City in the Capital One Cup. Roman Abramovich sacks Frank Lampard saying "it is not acceptable to lose in the Capitol One Cup". John Terry is appointed manager.
Barnet Council workers stage a Free Kath McGuirk protested outside Hendon Police Station. The police state that actually tehy hadn't arrested McGuirk and that there were no charges. It appears that rather than attacking the Labour Defector with an Iron Bar, she had simply waved a salami and said "we know where you can stick your liver sausage", in reference to a purchase that the defector had made earlier in the day at Waitrose, when McGuirk was trying to persuade her to stay in the Labour group.
Unusually normal weather conditions prevailed in December, with average temperatures and rainfall. Thameslink services grind to a complete halt blaming  "unusually bad weather conditions".
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Of course this is all a bit of fun. We know football club chairmen only ever make sane and rational decisions. We in no way would imply that John Dan Thomas would shaft Richard Cornelius or that Kath McGuirk would wave a salami around in the council chamber. And we certainly don't mean to imply that John Hart or Maureen Braun are past it, as both have shown what marvellous councillors they are in the last year. And even we don't believe the Tories would be silly enough to readmit Brian Coleman!







3 comments:

Mrs Angry said...

Just seen this, you naughty boy. Please could you explain the joke about slipppery dicks, as Mrs Angry was educated by nuns, and didn't quite understand?

Rog T said...

Dear Mrs Angry,
Surely you realise that as a revolutionary Communist, I have no sense of humour whatsoever and there is not a hint of humour anywhere in this blog. The term slippery refers to Mr Cornelius and his teflon coating, which ensures that for some reason, whatever goes wrong in Barnet Council, the blame never ends up on his door. The reference to Dick is simply because his name is Richard and he likes to be referred to as Dick. As you may too recall, I was educated by Nuns and say ten Hail Marys at the slightest sign of a risque innuendo.

Mrs Angry said...

I see. Thank you for the clarification. I am glad to hear there has been no use of smutty innuendo, which is of course a practice I abhor.

Happy New Year.