Wednesday 14 February 2018

The Wednesday Poem #38 - St Valentines day (& My top tips to be a proper St Valentines day smoothy)

St Valentines Day

I'm not going text to say I love you,
I'm not going to play that part,
I'm not going to buy you cheap chocolates,
Warm Prosecco, cardboard hearts.

I'll leave all that tat for amatuers,
As our love has stood the test,
for all those years we've spent together,
I will only give the best.

Image result for St Valentines day
Are you an aspiring lothario? Do you have someone you want to woo? Do you want to really show them that you are a smoothie who knows how to make them purr! We'll here's my top tips for your date. Of course this strategy is only worth using on someone you really like.

1. Selecting a venue for the date.
I'd always recommend booking a nice restaurant, but meeting first for a drink. Far easier for either of you to do an off if needs be! It is always worth checking out your Beau's dietary requirements and making sure that they can cope. If they are a vegan or have food allergies this is absolutely vital. If you can ascertain that there is somewhere they really want to try out that is good. I'd recommend somewhere with easy access home after. If things go well, you don't want three hours waiting for a night bus, followed by a long journey. It is also well worth slipping the Matre De twenty quid and saying "There's another one for you at the end if it's good service. Consider it an investment. Valentines night is the busiest day of the year and you need to make sure you get good service.

2. When you meet.
This is what sets things off on the footing that you want the night to continue on.  I'd always recommend making sure you look as if you've made the effort. Haircut, nice shoes and nice any other item of clothing etc you might be hoping will be seen at some point in the evening. Always have a bath or shower first as well. There is nothing worse than a date with a nasty niff.  Don't give your beau a present. Give them three. Start with "I've got a little something as a surprise" Start with an expensive single Belgian Chocolate. Then say "And I've got something else". A small, tasteful item of Jewellery, should then be dispensed. Then say "And' I've something really special for later, which I hope you will really like".

3. At the Restaurant.
There are three things that are a guaranteed turn off. Firstly however much you drink, make sure that you are less drunk than your partner. Drunks are bores. Let your partner talk. And don't order Spagetti. It makes a right old mess of your clothes.

4. At the end of the evening.
Now this is the key to success (whatever that means). At the start of the evening, you said that you'd give a third present at the end of the evening. Have two envelopes ready. One in the left pocket for if the date was a disaster. A £10 gift voucher for M&S is a good gift and a note saying "Let's get a dine for two and we can share another wonderful night". If it was a disaster, it's cost a tenner and no real harm has been done and you can make a joke of it. In your right pocket, have a ticket for a weeks holiday in the Bahama's or somewhere equally nice depending on your taste and a note saying "I'd really love you to join me for this" (make sure the trip is refundable/changeable). Now that may seem a hellish extravegence, but if you've met someone who you really like and they really like you, just consider it an investment.

5. A couple of other tips!
After the meal, if it has gone really well get a Taxi home ASAP. Don't wait for a bus/tube etc. Don't go on to a casino afterwards. Casino's are full of people (at the start of the night) who are a bit bored with lots of cash. It may go horribly wrong. If your partner is considerably worse for wear with all the excitement and alcohol, don't take advantage of the situation, act with respect. Only creeps don't. If you get a thanks but no thanks at the end, that is fine. It's just the way life is sometimes. Don't be afraid to ask why. You probably won't get an honest answer, but you might and there may be a good lesson in there.

Of course, my list has assumed that you have a few spare quid to splash out. If you haven't, don't despair. Just cook the meal yourself and be creative. If you can't afford the trip to Bermuda, put a note saying "I'm working on getting some tickets to Bermuda, but in the meantime here's tickets to ...." and if you've done your homework, you'll have found a musical genre or show that will do. People love to be spoiled!

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