Barnet Council Cabinet meeting - Exclusive: The Aliens have invaded !

A surreal scene occurred in the council chamber tonight. I'm a fairly sceptical guy, I didn't even believe their was a dog till he bit me (yup I used to be a dyslexic agnostic). Tonight though, I believe that there are alien life forms living in Barnet at the heart of the council. More of that later, first let me brief those of you that are interested on how Mike Freer got on with answering my question during the public questions section (click here for full details of my question regarding Sheltered Housing). There were 13 parts to the question. Mike sort of answered three of those during the long speil about how marvellous the warden cuts are. Of the three he sort of answered, one actually constituted a proper answer.

Point 11 - Has a full risk assessment been made for all changes?

Mike said yes it had. I was allowed to ask one supplimentary question. I decided that this was an opportunity to probe further. I asked if Mike would be publishing the risk assessment. Mike said it had already been published. He asked a council lackey where I could find it. She, rather unfortunately for Mike, responded "yes there is a paragraph about it in ....." -uproar ensued.

So there you go, the risk assessment for the abolition of Sheltered Housing wardens in Barnet is one paragraph long. The risk assessment for the toilets at my business is longer, and no vulnerable people live in them. This can only be described as criminal negligence. Mike had earlier waffled on about 1,500 sites where wardens are involved. Mike also seemed to suggest that the whole warden service is being privatised (talking about the new service providers). He stated that the new scheme will have a quarter of the staff involved in the current scheme. Proof positive that it is being softened up for Future Shape.

So there you have it. For the 1500 supported sites, we'll have 1/4 of the staff we have now. The risk assessment for this change is 1 paragraph long. As Mike responded the whole public chamber rocked with astonished laughter. During the whole of his answer, Mike did not make eye contact once. He turned as red as a beetroot. He rather reminded me of a beetroot (when I lived in Stockholm, Swedish girls used to refer to their private areas as rodbeta's (the swedish for beetroot - that's their slang word, it's rather rude in that context)). Yup, beetroot, that's what he reminded me of.

The rest of the cabinet looked on in horror. The leader had just crashed the car and they were all his passengers.

Things got worse for Mike and his merry band. Next up was Vicki Morris. She asked Mike Freer if he agreed with a quote from David Cameron about local democracy. Now this was a big trap. if Mike agreed, he'd have to consult the people of Barnet about future shape. We all know what would happen if he did that. Clunk - he leaped head first into Vicki's trap. Nope, Mike doesn't agree with David Cameron, because Mike knows best. Mike and his friends, the highly paid consultants know how to run services. David Cameron just doesn't know what he's talking about (or words to that effect). At this point I looked at the faces of his cabinet (those I could see). They were a picture. Had Mike really said that? Vicki sought clarification. Mike gave it. He did not agree with David Cameron about local democracy. At this point I realised that Mike is a courageous leader of men. Such leadership skills haven't been seen since the brave, daring and courageous General Custer lead his force of US soldiers against the Sioux nation (note to Barnet Tories - if you don't know how that ended, Wiki it).

Anyway the bit you've all been waiting for. Proof that Alien life is alive and well in Barnet. After public questions, it was on to the debate about Future shape. First up, Mike introduced Nick Walkley. He's the new CEO of Barnet. He started waffling on. What he was talking about was anyone's guess. "Special delivery vehicles", "Silos", "Ethnographic day in the life research". For all I knew, he might have been describing the follow up to E.T. He asked his lackey, Max Wide, on secondment from BT, to explain further. The gook was even more gobbledied. From my vantage point, I couldn't see Mike Freer, but I could see most of his cabinet. Robert Rams was struggling to stay awake (and not always succeeding), Fiona Bulmer fixed a grin on her face, doubtless developed after years at Barnet Education, explaining to irate parents why little Johnny has to go to a sink school, why Chloe next door goes to the finest school in the Borough. Richard Cornelius followed Mike's lead and started to turn purple.

When the speeches finished, the cabinet got the chance to ask questions. Councillor Thomas successfully managed to look both ways at the same time. He said he wanted to see accounatbility. Then he said he agreed with Mike (and disagreed with David Cameron) that there's no place for referenda in Barnet. Councillor Harper then gave a waffling ramble, clearly he hadn't understood a word, but wanted us all to think he's a rather clever chap and did. The ruse fooled no one.

All of a sudden, the bubble was burst. The aliens amongst us had their "cloaking devices" turned off. Councillor Richard Cornelius announced that he didn't understand a word of what had been said "I've only been in this game for 3 years, I don't understand the jargon". Mike admonished him "That is the last time you will use that excuse or you will be exterminated" (well I added the bit in italics, but he did say the first bit). Nick Walkley tried to explain. Mike butted in - "Let me explain in English what he's on about". Mike Freer then treated us all to a perfect translation. It all made perfect (if highly disagreeable) sense. At this point I realised that Barnet is employing Aliens. They look like us but their brains work in a completely different way. When they speak, it superficially sounds like English, but it isn't. To us mere Earthlings, it is incomprehensible. The question that I started to ponder was this - As Mike Freer is clearly the only person who can speak both English and Alien, what on earth will happen if he's elected as the Candidate for Finchley. No one will be around to translate to the rest of the cabinet.

As Mike finished I yelled out "Why didn't you write it like that in the report?" Mike shouted back "I've just explained it to you". He then rather menacingly asked Councillor Cornelius if he'd understood the translation. Councillor Cornelius repled "perfectly". I suspect that Cornelius is going to be taken to a back office at the Council for an Alien brain upgrade.

Matthew Offord then launched into a few questions. It was clear as daylight to all present that Offord sees the whole scheme for exactly what it is. His questions and the complete lack of proper answers betrayed the whole sham. If Matthew ever grows some testicles and votes along the lines that his question should have lead him to, I suspect he'll make a good councillor. One interesting thing that Matthew Offord extracted from the Borough Solicitor is the fact that Future Shape cannot legally be simply about cost cutting. That is why it is dressed up in all this guff.

Let me tell you why I suspect that Future shape is dishonest and doomed to fail.

If I were Mike Freer and I really believed in the concept, I'd take a Future Shape roadshow out around the Borough and have a binding public consultation. I'd show how we could delived better services for less money. I'd have honest question and answer sessions where "future shape" experts took questions from the public. They've spent millions on the scheme, so they must have the answers and the experts to deliver them. If it really is the best thing since sliced bread, there's an election next year and it would guarantee the Tories got back in with a bigger majority. The fact they are doing none of this means they know it will be unpopular.

Before I sign off to drink myself into miserable oblivion, let me just clarify one thing. In this blog, I've used the term Alien, extensively. I don't mean it in the E.T. sense. I mean it in the sense of something that is Alien to the way the citizens of Barnet think. We don't want it. The cabinet know that which is why they are trying to hide the project from the people of Barnet.

As Mike started to sum up, the sun came out from behind a cloud. The light seared blindingly into the council chamber. A couple of the Council's senior officers leapt up to adjust the blinds. This really was a Laurel and Hardy moment. One pulled one bit of string the other pulled another. There were loud bongs and clangs. Eventually they gave up with one blind completely up at one end and down at another. There was much hilarity in the chamber and Mike had to pause. Mike looked round, shook his head and siad "I suppose the sun will go in now". That sort of summed up his evening. The adjusted blind was a suitable metaphor for the whole Future shape project, a fitting backdrop for Mike Freer.

I just wished they'd video'd the whole thing. I don't suppose they'll do that any time soon.