Saturday, 7 November 2020

The Saturday List #285 - Ten things I'd ban if I was Prime Minister

So we are now in lockdown. I've refrained from saying too much about it. It is an uninspiring topic. We are banned from doing most of the things I like. Going to the pub, restaurants, football, gigs and even from nipping round to see the rellies. I understand why they are doing this, but it is not much fun. It got me thinking, what would I ban if I got the chance? Here is my (not entirely) serious list. 

Pic London.Football

1. Teams wearing their away kit when there is no clash of colours. Not only is it highly annoying, it is a sign of blatant commercialism in professional sport. Perhaps the worst aspect is most of the second kits these days are disgusting. How can I enjoy watching Man City when they look like peach melba's?

2. Private firework displays after 10pm (except on New Years Eve). Having had small children and dogs, there is nothing more selfish or annoying than neighbours randomly letting off fireworks in the middle of the night. There's no reason that you can't do the fireworks by 10pm, when no one gets disturbed. 

3. The Champions League Anthem. Is there a worse or more pretentious piece of music. I'm with the City fans who always boo it. It is horrible. What right do UEFA have to inflict it on us? We pay them to run football, not to celebrate themselves. 

4. Piped music in pubs. I love pub jukeboxes. One of the pleasures of going to the pub is to get to 'see whats on the Jukebox'. What I hate is the bland music that is played  at many pubs, designed to not upset anyone and inspire nothing. At least with a paid jukebox, you know one person in the pub likes it. Back in the days when I used to court, there was nothing I loved more than putting on a track for someone  I fancied. Pubs seem determined to eliminate all such fun.

5. Putting your feet up on seats of trains. This is a pet bugbear. People sit there. It is inconsiderate and bad mannered. I'd pass a law that anyone caught doing it would have to go to work with no shoes on for a week. 

6. Bad mannered airport security staff. I understand the need for security at airports. I understand that the job can be a right pain in the bum. But I cannot understand what right the people do it seem to think they have to be rude to people. I am always extremely polite to people doing such jobs, even when they are rude to me. But if I was PM, I'd compel them to be polite and well mannered. When people forget to take their belt off etc, it is not because they are stupid or trying to blow people up. It is because they forgot. I find it the height of ignorance when the security staff are rude about such things. 

7. Dog walkers who leave their dogpoo behind. As I mentioned, I have dogs. I always clean up their mess. I get very annoyed at people who don't. I'd ban such people from owning dogs if I was PM. 

8.  Playing car stereo's loudly with the windows open. Why is it that the people who do this always have such appalling taste in music? Why to they think it is clever to intrude on our lughole space? The worst ones are the ones who do it at 3am outside my house. Personally I'd like to see their cars confiscated and sent to the car cruncher.

9. Facebook spying on you. Last week I was talking to my studio manager, who was nipping out to Tesco's to buy some lunch. I asked him if he could pick me up a pie or a pasty whilst he was there. After he left, I checked my mobile phone as I had a Facebook notification. My timeline was jammed full of adverts for pies and pasties. I found it most intrusive and offensive that they are clearly using my mobile phone to spy on me and get me to eat pies! 

10. Littering. I am of the opinion that if you buy a takeaway meal or drink, the company you buy it from should be legally compelled to put your name on the package. If you don't put it in the bin, you should get a £100 fine. If you remove the label with your name, the fine should rise to £500. This would instantly stop the appalling practice of throwing litter everywhere. It's not hard.

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