Losing the will to live.... in the world we live in

 Let me tell you about what happened to me last night. Before I went to bed I watched the news channel for an hour. I am not drinking four days a week currently, in a thus far futile attempt to lose weight. I went to bed at around midnight. The room was cold as the radiator is not working and Mrs T was already asleep. I considerately managed to wake her up as I banged around in the dark and was left in no doubt I was not flavour of the month. As sometimes happens, not that often, but sometimes, I was troubled by dark, destructive thoughts. Eventually I dozed off. In my slumbering state, I realised that I felt cold and irritated. I was then extremely annoyed to be woken by a child screaming uncontrollably. I was about to shout "will someone shut that bloody child up, when a door opened and a man with a large machine gun and a headscarf entered. He screamed at the child in broken English "Shut the F**K up, you are going to die soon, your friends are coming and they are going to kill us all". In horror, I realised I was in a basement in Gaza. At that moment, I woke in a cold sweat. My heart was racing and I felt sick. But I was in my cold, but comfortable, safe bed in Mill Hill. I was almost in tears. Not only for that child, who surely exists, but for my own heartlessness. What could I, as a 61 year old man living in London do to change anything? The sad truth is nothing at all. I'd read that the Archbishop of Jerusalem had offered himself as a hostage swap, to no avail

Jerusalem archbishop offers himself to Hamas as a hostage in exchange for children taken captive:

"I am ready for an exchange, anything, if this can lead to freedom, to bring the children home" https://t.co/N0EjICCyDh

— The Messenger (@TheMessenger) October 16, 2023

If even such a figure can change nothing which such an offer, then the absolute futility of my position is clear. I said a short prayer, but this made me feel worse. Such situations test one's faith to the most extreme point. In fact, given that religion seems to be at the heart of this problem, it makes one dount ones own beliefs. As someone who is by nature pacifist, my prayer would be for the bad people to lay down their arms and reconcile. Sadly, in this world, such things are the stuff of pipe dreams. I pray that I am wrong. 

I ended up simply wishing I'd had a few drinks to blot it all out. If there had been football on and I'd gone to the pub to watch it with my mates, I would have had no dark thoughts. But is that really what a decent person does? There are times that I don't want to be a decent person. I'd be far happier being a selfish hedonist, than baked in futile, impotent angst. 

Just over two months ago, I had surgery for prostate cancer. Hopefully, that will keep me alive for a few years yet. But last night, I was thinking "why bother?", why would anyone want to stick around. Eventually I dozed off, I was awoken when the dog jumped into bed with me at around 7.30am. We took the dogs for a walk in the glorious sunshine, cold wind biting our ears. Then into work. In many ways a normal day. But I've not felt like it's a normal day at all. I feel totally drained. Even listening to my favourite punk rock tracks at work has not helped. It all feels rather shallow and suprficial right now. Such feelings are fine, when all is well in the world. There is a child in Gaza, terrified, most likely not going to see the month out. I can think about it and feel awful or I can drink myself into a stupor to block it out, which will make me feel better for a few hours. But the awful truth is nothing at all I can do can change anything. I hope tomorrrow I feel a little different, but right now I'm losing the will to live.... in the world we live in

Sorry, I can't say anything more uplifting and positive, but that would be totally dishonest.