Non Stick Nick's weekly bulletin translated into English

Nick Walkley's weekly Memo to Staff.

My fellow Barnet blogger, Mr Mustard has invented a new name for the CEO of Barnet - Nick Walkley. The Bloggers of Barnet have proclaimed that henceforth he will be known as Non Stick Nick, because when the shit hits the fan, non of it ever sticks to him. I have also received a copy of Non Stick Nick's latest proclaimation to his subjects Barnet Council Staff. I have helpfully provided a translation into English for those of you not fluent in *Walkleyspeak. The original is in black, my translation is in RED
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Last night's Audit Committee meeting was, quite rightly, amongst the most difficult in my time as Chief Executive.

I really thought we were in the shit at last nights meeting of the audit committee

 

Alongside the Metpro report, which was dealt with in last week’s email, I attended to specifically respond to the Internal Audit Annual Report. This, like the Metpro Report, pulled no punches but is rather more important in the conclusions it draws about aspects of the council's work. Overall it gives only "limited assurance" that we have the right controls in place to ensure that we spend wisely and meet the objectives we set. The Metpro report and the Audit Annual report shows that we are doing a crap job, we haven't got a clue how to deal with it and no one here, least of all me, really knows what is going on.

 

As I confirmed to the Committee its vital that we have the robust internal challenge that audit provides and for too long I do not think that has been the case. However equally important is that when we identify concerns we learn from the findings and act on them. I waffled on to the committee in the hope that they were too thick to realise I was bullshitting and tried to convince them that we would do something to sort the whole mess out. I think the schmucks fell for that.

 

Members have an absolute right to expect that when we get things wrong we prioritise putting them right. Last night I committed us to addressing all of the issues raised by the Internal Audit Annual Report. Those uppity WOODENTOPS on the committee seemed to buy the line that we are sorting it out and we know what we are doing.

 

On procurement this means a rapid programme of activity that will involve many staff across the council. An action plan is in place and procurement leads across the council are being briefed. I've told the lazy gits who work for me that they'd better pull their fingers out or we'll all be for the chop.

 

Much media focus has been on "who is to blame" and "who is going to carry the can?". The public, the bloggers and the press have twigged that we are useless and are out for blood. However my firm belief is that now is the time for all of us to ensure that the contractual arrangements and suppliers we depend on are documented, monitored and in place and where they are not take action to tackle this.  Who gives a shit about them, they can get stuffed. There will be more about this process in First Team but now is the time to make sure any suppliers you use have been through the right process. You'd better go through the motions of sorting out your suppliers though, as it is getting a bit hot. Moreover if you are concerned about an issue or your own knowledge/skills in this area - speak up. This is a time to put things right and not simply point fingers. If something is going tits up, and you are too stupid to know what to do, tell me. I promise I won't sack you and make you a scapegoat, honest guv.

 

A second strong theme in the report is our management of information. We have made really good progress on Data Protection over the last year but there are still instances of paper records in particular leaving the offices unnecessarily. If I catch anyone leaking anything to bloggers, they will be sent straight to the testicle slapping room. Keeping adequate control is not just about the right system but also that everyone follows those systems and procedures. Across the council, information management and contract management are matters that the vast majority of us have a roll to play in. Let me know if any of the numpties who work for you might be leaking to bloggers

 

Its an oddity of the role of Chief Executive that I find myself congratulating the Assistant Director for internal audit Maryellen Salter on the quality of her work whilst then having to challenge myself and the rest of the council to rise to the challenges that work gives us.  Maryellen Salter has dropped us all in the shit, if we don't at least appear to be doing something about it, we'll all be serving fries and shakes at drive thru takeaways next year. You have been warned.

 

But as custodians of public money that is exactly how it should be. Pull your fingers out my friends, or the party will be over.

 

Non Stick Nick

 

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Barnet Eye Note : Of course this is purely a humourous take on the CEO's comments in his bulletin to staff. I am assurred that in reality he thinks nothing of the sort and is working tirelessly on behalf of the residents of Barnet. Bollocks

*Walkleyspeak is a language used in Barnet Council to mask/hide/ obscure the facts regarding whatever the latest cock up is. It has been invented to ensure that no matter how bad a cock up occurs, it's never Non Stick Nick's fault