I thought I would just drop you a little note to say thank you for making sure that my 90th Birthday year will be properly remembered.
As you know I've always seen it as my role as Queen to bring together my subjects. It is marvellous to behold the job you have done splitting the country down the middle, turning fathers against sons and grandmothers against granddaughters.
I trust that having boasted how you 'made me purr' when you won the Scottish Independence vote, you will report to the press my reaction, now you have seemingly split off not only Scotland, but Northern Ireland.
In my years of reign, I have seen PrimeMinisters come and go, but none has left the nation in shambolic disarray in the manner you have. I am just sorry that times have moved on since the days of my namesake, when people who's actions put the fabric of our nation at risk were sent to the Tower.
Unlike you I feel a strong sense of duty, so despite my advancing years I will not be throwing the nation to the Wolves and running away at our time of need.
Queen Elizabeth II
P.S. You can forget the peerage mate!