The Saturday List #227 - Ten Laws I'd pass tomorrow if I was doing Boris Johnson's job

When Boris was four years old, his ambition was to be World King. When I was four years old, my ambition was to have a model of Thunderbird 3. When I was about seven, I was asked at school what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said "I want a dog and a pond". It didn't occur to me that having a pond wasn't a job. I guess I've over achieved as I have two dogs and two ponds. Sadly neither pay the bills. But I digress. Whereas I've overachieved by 100%, Boris has massively under achieved. He's risen to the heady heights of Prime Minister of a United Kingdom that his policies are likely to dismantle. I wonder if it is all part of a cunning plan to oust her Majesty and at least get to be King of South East Grinstead, as the UK fragments into a million pieces, each with a different policy towards the EU. I spent the day at The Great British Beer Festival yesterday and if nothing else, I am pleased to report that the UK is still able to organise a pretty good booze up in a Brewery. As I made my way home, trying to work out whether the Coconut Porter was actually the finest tipple sampled, a thought occurred to me. What if Boris offered to swap dreams with me. He could have my two dogs and two ponds and I had his job. What laws would I pass? It occurred to me that on reflection, Boris had a more interesting ambition than my own. So here is my collection of laws.

1. Make all elected politicians personally liable to be sued for any losses incurred by anyone in the event that they can be shown to have knowingly lied about a policy. So if Boris and his mates say that the NHS will get £350 million a week extra in the event of a hard Brexit and we get a hard #Brexit and no cash for the Health service, they should be personally liable and sued for every penny. Not just Brexit, any porkies.

2. Pass a law so that anyone who is made a minister of state has to be able to demonstrate their competence for the post. Far too many are simply given the job because they tow the party line and are being rewarded for brown nosing. Many of them are completely unfit for the job they are given.

3. Pass a law so that any MP or Councillor who is elected, actually has their primary residence in the area they are elected for, be it council ward or constituency. In my ward, Mill Hill, not a single councillor is living in the ward. That to me is plain wrong. If they subsequently move, I would give them a year and then they would have to leave and a by election would take place, unless that was less than six months before a council election. If parties can't find someone local to stand, too bad.

4. Pass a law which sets a minimum fine of £500 for littering. I would also require some of this to be used to put up name and shame posters of Litter louts in their streets, if they do it more than once.

5. Pass a law that anyone who drives down a street with their windows open and the car sound system playing at more than 90 decibels should have their car taken away and crushed. Especially the bloke who did that at midnight last night, woke me up and set the dogs off.

6. Pass a law that any consultant who works for the NHS and cancels an operation on an NHS patient to perform surgery on a private patient would have to pay the NHS patient a fixed compensation of £2,000. We get compensation from airlines when they delay our flights, so why not apply the same rules to NHS consultants.

7. Pass a law stating that anyone who has been on an NHS waiting list for any procedure for more than six months is given compensation of  £1,000 for every subsequent month. Part fund this by fining the directors, senior managers etc of the NHS trust responsible up to 50% of their wages.

8. Pass a law that any train company that fails to deliver its agreed performance target for reasons other than acts of God, will have its directors and senior managers fined up to 20% of their salary package. The money raised would be used for a fund for good causes in the locality that their bad service operates in.

9. Pass a law that nobody in the country can receive an honour unless it can genuinely be demonstrated that they have worked for the public good or have been an outstanding sports person or musician.

10. Pass a law guaranteeing that every Ex Service person who served more than five years in the armed forces, or who saw active service in a war zone, or had a life changing injury, will receive a guaranteed living pension,  appropriate accommodation and medical treatment of a standard available to those with the best private health plans by right.  I would also award all such people a gold star, so that, if they chose to wear it, we can see that they deserve our respect and thanks.

None of these measures would solve the problems facing the UK. I would never claim I could solve them. But I absolutely believe they would make the UK a far better, fair, cleaner and more fair place than it is at the moment.