Back in early 1978, myself and my then best mate Pete decided we were going to form the best band in the world. We had a few problems, we couldn't play, we couldn't read music, we had no instruments, we didn't know anyone who could play, we knew nothing about song writing. But inspired by Mark Perry's Sniffin Glue fanzine, who put three chords on the cover and said "now form a band", we were inspired. We decided that Pet would play bass and sing and I would play guitar. We started saving up to buy instruments, we then sat around working out what sort of a band we would be. The answer was simple. We would be a punk rock band. Punk was sweeping everything before it. We would be the best Punk Rock band ever. How? well we would look at what all of the other bands that we liked did, choose all of the best bits and then, because we were self proclaimed misunderstood genius's we'd make the best band in the world. Whilst we saved up to buy instruments, we started writing a manifesto, because every band needs one, don't they. In May, Pete quit school when he turned 15 and got a job as a trainee butcher at Dewhursts. He bought a bass guitar. I persuaded my sister to lend me her Les Paul Columbus copy. I saved up cash from my paper round and bought a FAL 50 watt amp. It was the cheapest amp in the shop and we could both plug into it and make a horrible noise. We didn't even know how to tune a guitar, but luckily my brother Laurie helped us. He lent us his pitch pipes. The problem was I couldn't hear whether it was in tune or not. But we persisted and practised. We also started writing songs. The first song we wrote was Wrong, which we reworked and put on our last album. It is a 45 second blast of Punk Rock anger, written by two 16 year olds who were angry. It was based on our 'manifesto'. The lyrics "Do you consider yourself a thinking person, or an object for others to manipulate, nobodies immortal, no one's irreplaceable, you're wrong". We ditched its shortly after our first rehearsal, but it sounded strangely current, so we rehashed it.
We hooked up with Dave The Drummer and had our first proper rehearsal on Feb 14th 1979. In some ways, this was our greatest ever achievement. We had gone from nothing to actually playing our own music, albeit very badly, in a year. We were a band. Were we the best band in the world, which is what we set out to be? One of our mates asked Pete this very question, after our first shambolic rehearsal. Pete was very eloquent and his reply was brilliant "That's a really subjective question, because everyone will have a different opinion". Our mate persisted "So do you think you are the best band in the world". Pete replied "Well it is definitely the best band I've ever played with, it was a real blast, so on those terms yes". Our mate thought he had Pete "So you think you are musically better than ELO?". We burst out laughing. Pete replied "As I can't stand ELO and I'd hate to play their music, of course I do, but as I said, everyone has their own opinion and until everyone has heard our music, they can't judge". I then butted in "on the 5th of June 1976, I'd never heard of The Ramones. On the 6th June, I had seen them and new they were the best band in the world, until you see a band you don't know".
I was reminded of this last night. Tom our trumpet player told me that after our gig on Saturday at the York Rise Street Party, someone asked him whether The False Dots were better than his favourite band (The Cat Empire). Toms reply "not quite". When Tom told us, I said "You should have said 'we are working on it' ". The truth is we are. Until I stop playing, that will be my ambition. I love playing my music to people, I love recording it, I love writing songs, I love rehearsing. We have a great mix of personalities in the band and although there are plenty of the bands that do something or other better than us, we have a very unique energy and vibe. The band have had a lot of members and a lot of different personalities. I think the current one is the best iteration of all. We have definitely got the best songs. I'd love former members Venessa Sagoe and Connie Abbe to do a couple of numbers with us. They were very special singers. We have always been a pretty good live band, but we are far more fun than we've ever been.
Oddly, though despite all the changes, all the swings of musical direction, we have had a remarkable consistency of ethos and the plan has always to be the best band we could possibly be, part of that is to play songs that resonate with an audience. We mostly, but not exclusively do original material. hen we gig, strangers invariably come up and tell us that they really like the lyrics and what we want to say. The covers we do, we do for a reason. We started covering "Thats Entertainment" by the Jam, after Rick Buckler, the Jam's drummer passed way. The reason? Our drummer Rambo was inspired to drum by him and Keith Moon (our song Rambo's Rampage nods to Keith Moon and The Who).
I've always believed that for a band to be the best band, they need to be invested in their music and believe in it. But they must also be comfortable around each other and have a laugh. A band is a gang. We are now past the age of hanging around on street corners, but we chat and have a laugh and hang out sometimes. If there was a poll as to what the best band in the world is, I guess it would probably be someone like The Rolling Stones, U2 or Radiohead. Whilst playing on those stages would be great, I'd hate to play under the constraints they play under. We have a beer and a chat with our fans after, we play new numbers and no one complains that we didn't do ten songs written in 1979. What was the plan? Write the best songs we possibly could, rehearse them properly so we could play them well and engage with the audience. Structure our sets so that we entertained everyone and had a good mix of material. Record the best numbers we had, that had got a decent audience reaction and then do it all again.
We genuinely get a kick out of it. Best band? For me yes. The plan has worked. All I have to is convince the other 6 billion citizens of this planet.
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