Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Captain Useless Special - Who saved all the pies

MP for Hendon (AKA Captain Useless, Souperman, Matthew Leviticus - the scourge of gay couples and Roverman the ex officio minister for Dogs human rights) has claimed yet another famous victory. His campaign to save the pasty has paid dividends. George Osborne has crumbled in the face of Matthews ferocious campaign. Having made a name for himself, early in career by allegedly thumping one of the Tory whips (no one told Matthew that whips are meant to do the whipping) and hurtling around the world as part of the Parliamentary Armed Forces program, taking part in military operations and vanquishing drug dealers everywhere (except for Hendon). Matthew came out, strongly against the pasty tax on his website.


It is believed that the brains behind Matthews highly popular revolt was his chief policy adviser and pet Jack Russell dog, Maximus. Max has on many occasions expressed his strong support for makers of sausage rolls and pasties. He is especially partial to a steak slice. The Barnet Eye contacted Max for a comment, but he was clearly feeling Ruff. Rumour has it that Max and his protoge Matthew may have been overdoing the celebrating of his famous victory. We hope Matthew gets better soon !


baarnett said...

There's an alternative, Roger.

(1) MRS ANGRY very publicly paid a recent visit to CORNWALL, home of the luke-warm pasty.

(2) George Osborne is forced to change his mind over the "pasty tax" (thereby making the Budget merely a consultative event, and no longer a definitive one ruled by statute).


And furthermore, she may have resided in a static caravan - look what happened to them, as well.

button55 said...

I`m sure that captain useless,aka (Manuel,the boy wonder,Cyclops,Diccus Maximus and Major "Andy Mcnab" Offord)might of heard a few more disgruntled views from the residents of Hendon,not only from the local bakery owners.

Morris Hickey said...

Rog T. I have in many ways, and for many reasons, admired some (but not all) of your themes. But do you not think that you are turning rather rapidly from campaigning to obsession?

Rog T said...


Offord is my local MP and he has established a track record which is not exemplary. He has not supported shop keepers in their struggle with Barnet Council over parking charges, he's ignored many requests for help from constituents, he's used parliamentary privelige to attack former friends in the Conservative party, he's sent offensive emails to constituents and he's associated himself with some rather strange causes and put some very odd messages on twitter.

In all the years the previous Conservative MP for Hendon North served me (Sir John Gorst), I never had cause to take issue withhim as constituency MP once. He even broke the party line to vote against closure of Edgware GeneralHospital and spoke eloquently at a rally I organised.

If Offord looked after his constituency work, I wouldn't label him as such, but he is Useless. He was Useless as deputy Leader of Barnet Council and he's even more useless as an MP.

I see it as the duty of a blogger to expose such individuals. If you do a search on Captain Useless you will see he's had the name for a long time with a whole plethora of failures in his wake.

Morris Hickey said...


I have similar feelings about the useless indifference of the GLA Member for Havering & Redbridge. But I am coming to the view that the asshole in question might be beyond redemption.

The pity of it is that he seems to think he is doing a good job - and with his GLA membership and his Havering Council one is costing London taxpayers about £160k a year.