Sunday, 15 July 2012

The Barnet Eye Sunday Problems Page

Got a problem? We can help. The Barnet Eye has spent four years giving sound advice to Barnet Council. Now it's your turn! Email us your problems via the link in the right hand column. Here are a selction of some of our first set of letters

From Squeaky Bob, East Barnet.
I'm short, fat and a I've got a squeaky voice. No one likes me, what can I do?

The Barnet Eye says :
Bobster, buy yourself a puppy. The walkies will do you a power of good, dogs are not judgemental and having a squeaky voice is a major asset, because doggies can hear sqeaks for mile around. They say that if you have a doggie you always have a friend.

From Big Brian, Totteridge.
I used to have a great job and lots of friends, then I lost the job and all my so called friends abandoned me. What can I do?

The Barnet Eye says:

Bigster, that's an easy one. What you need to do is make a few changes in your life. Get out of the comfort zone. Find some new friends. Try volunteering at a homeless shelter or drop in centre for drug addicts. Use the skills you've acquired to help people, then people will start to respect you for who you really are.

From Maureen in Mill Hill,

I have a large shed in my garden, which is unsightly and has upset my neighbours. I really like my shed, but my neighbours won't talk to me. What should I do?

The Barnet Eye says :

Well Maureen, that depends. If you are a selfish, heartless individual who like upsetting your neighbours, you could rent your shed out as Rave venue. My mate big Dave organises raves up and down the country and he'd supply you with all the spliffs you need to completely forget the concerns of your neighbours, in return for using your Uber shed as a rave venue. Alternatively, you could always get a smaller more discreet shed and apologise to your neighbours for upsetting them.

From Buzzing Helen in Finchley,

My cafe used to be full of customers until some numbskull at the council abolished pay and display. Now I keep getting Councillors popping in and telling me that they will sort the problem out, but nothing ever happens, what should I do.

The Barnet Eye says :

Our local Councillors keep telling us that local businesses must adapt to survive. Maybe you should transform your cafe intosomething else, which would be unaffected by the parking restrictions, maybe an "S&M Torture parlour". This will operate outside the hours of the parking restrictions and I'm sure many of these councillors would be eager to use your services. Think what fun you could have getting paid to get your own back on them? If it works out maybe you could set up a branch in Maureen in Mill Hill's shed? And if they ask for extras you could give them a side order of mushrooms and beans.

From Nick in Barnet,

I simply can't get by on my salary. How does anyone survive these days on a paltry £200,000 a year + perks. Help, what can I do?

The Barnet Eye says :

Nick, my advice is to look for another job immediately. If you move to the Outer Hebrides, the property prices are far cheaper and you'd be much happier in yourself.

The Barnet Eye is always happy to help !

1 comment:

baarnett said...

I burst out laughing when I saw Maureen and her shed!

You could have suggested that Nick takes on EXTRA jobs, if he is so hard up.

I believe there are great opportunities as "Returning Officers", and he should investigate that. However, he needs to get in quick, because the government may be giving all the posts to G4S instead.