The Sunday Reflection #14 - What in the world?

 I woke up this morning in a rather strange and pensive mood. There are three reasons for this. The first is that last night we saw the champions league final, the final match of the club football season. I always feel a little empty and hollow, knowing that I've nothing to worry about until August on the football front. I realised long ago that I've never really enjoyed football, apart from fleeting moments that are over almost before they've begun, but without it I simply feel empty. Of all the things I care about, football is by far the least logical. Outside of football I hate almost nothing and no one. Maybe football has consumed all of that and diverted it. Of course we have the Euro championships, but I never feel the same about these. Whilst it is perfectly acceptable to tell my mates I hate Manchester United, if you hate whole countries that is not really healthy, and how can you hate France or Italy when you go there on holiday and love it, for instance? It disrupts me and interferes with my pmost primal feelings. I will have to like players like Marcus Rashford for a whole six weeks. Now I actually happen to like Marcus Rashford when he doesn't have a red shirt on, but I am sure a football fan gets what I mean. When Harry Maguire drops a howler for Man United, I laugh and send my Man Utd mates memes on Whatsapp. When he does it for England, I feel sorry for the silly bugger. It's just plain wrong.  Anyway, that is the first reason.

Then there is the second reason. This may seem even more irrational, unless like me, you suffer from tinitus. I have awoken to the sound of a field full of crickets in my head. It is very disconcerting and it is startting to drive me insane. I get irrational urges to do things like bang six inch nails into my ears with a large hammer. Don't worry, I won't but it is really annoying. One of the reasons I lie living near the M1 is because the road noise distracts me from this irritation racket. Anyway, it doesn't help

And the third reason. The missus has been feeling poorly all week. She did something to her hip on pilates and has been really suffering. I hate it when the kids or her are not on good form. I am a terrible husband in many ways and I really don't understand why she didn't bugger off years ago, or kick me out. I realised long ago that the reason is quite simple. As far as she is concerned, there are two versions of me. The one in her head, that exists when I am not in her presence. That version is kind, well spoken, well educated, reasonable, caring and funny. That version never gets cross and always makes decisions based on rational decisions. That version has two pints of beer then stops. That version has a mushroom biriani rather than a chicken vindaloo, because he knows a chicken vindaloo makes him have reflux. The only part of that version that actually exists is the bit that would throw myself under a bus to save her or the kids. As to the real version? You don't want to know. I am not the most awkward person on the planet to live with, but I may be in the top ten. If you did a heat map of things she's said to me during our relationship "You said you'd be home by 7pm", "why did you have the vindaloo when it gives you reflux", "Why are you having another beer", "can we go home now, it's late", "can you put your bowl in the dishwasher" would all feature heavily. Now you may think I take her for granted and I probably do. But when she's not right, I realise just how completely screwed I'd be without her to keep things together. 

So what does one do, when feeling in such a mood? For me, the answer has always been music. As someone who believes that there is a purpose in life, nothing is a coincidence and that even the tiniest thing is part of a plan, to me the answer is music. Very strangely, as I am writing this, I am listening to Robert Elms on BBC Radio London. The studio he is in has packed up and so he's played a long track, Love and Affection by Joan Armatrading, so he can move. For me, this song always makes me think of Clare. How odd is it that the universe conspired to make him play it now? As it plays, the crickets leave my head, my worries about football lift and I realise just how blessed I am. There are a few songs that always make me feel like this and remind me of how wonderfully blessed I am. 

Perhaps the song that resonates most with my feelings for her is by David Bowie on the Low Album - Where in the world. It may well be my favourite Bowie track of all time. The lines in the song

Something deep inside of me

Yearning deep inside of me

Talking through the gloom

What in the world can you do

What in the world can you do

I'm in the mood for your love

always change my mood. The words "talking through the gloom" is especially appropriate today. 

And then I look out of the window and it is sunny. Robert is now playing "Anything I own" by Ken Booth, the old reggae track. So appropriate. When I hear this, I always realise that I'm a selfish git as I do hope I croak before the wife and kids, with all my heart. I don't know if any music could save me from that.

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If you enjoy the Barnet Eye, one way you can show your appreciation is to support my band and my music. Our next gig, is here. Please come along if you can.

Click the link for tickets

The band put out an EP this week, featuring some of our old recordings featuring guests such as Lee Thompson of Madness Connie Abbe, US singer Charles Honderick and much loved former members of the band. All of these, apart from Saturday are no longer in the set. Have a quick listen and give the band a like.  You never know, you may just enjoy it.