Showing posts sorted by relevance for query The Friday Joke. Sort by date Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by relevance for query The Friday Joke. Sort by date Show all posts

Friday, 23 December 2011

2011 - the year in blogs - Part one January to June

Long time readers will know that at this time of the year, the Barnet Eye does a round up of the year. For me, 2011 seems like the longest year in history for a whole host of reasons. Anyway, without further ado, here we go

January
I think I wrote the saddest blog of my Barneteye blogging career. Shannon Powell RIP was dedicated to my daughters friend, Barnet Copthall Girls under 14 swimming champion and cross country runner, Shannon Powell, who tragically died of an undiagnosed heart condition, during the Middlesex Cross country championships. When I wrote this blog, little did I know of the shameful tale of incompetence that stopped Shannon getting to hospital. Guest blog of the month was from Hildegarde on homelessness and her experience at a homeless Christmas shelter. Today she's back for this years shift - Guest Blog : Spotlight on Homelessness in London b.... The big event in Barnet, which I am proud to have had a big hand in putting together was the Rock Against The Cuts rally at the Arts Depot - Barnet Rock Against the Cuts - Media Round up.
We can't let January go without reminding ourselves that this was the month that David Cameron mistook Hendon MP Matthew Offord for a soup waiter - Did the Prime Minister mistake Matthew Offord for ...

February.
This featured one of the most popular and google hit friendly blogs - say no to 0870 - a useful money saving blog, telling you how to avoid premium rate phone rip offs - Say no to 0870 - Don't let these robbers rip you o...

We also saw the plans for Etz Chaim Jewish free school revealed to the people of MilL Hill - Full details of proposed new Jewish School at Wyva...
We had author Mark Billingham come out in support of our very successful "Save Barnets Libraries" campaign - Author Mark Billingham supports the Save Barnets L...
We also saw the shape of things to come, with Brian Coleman's disgraceful behaviour at a Council meeting discussing parking - Brian Coleman Barnet Parking Special : The Peasant...
and finally, just for our entertainment, we had Hendon MP Matthew Offord at it again - Doh - it's Matthew Offord MP again
And the Barnet Eye got a real scoop. The first (and funniest) video of a Barnet Council meeting. Dear old Councillor Hugh Rayner put himself on the map - Barnet Council vs The People - Hugh Rayner - Barne...

March,

We had a great guest blog from Alan Grote about Rupert Murdoch taking over SKY news. When you read this, you'll realise what a long year it's been  Guest Blog - Rupert Murdoch gets green light totak...
Yup, sure was a long time ago wasn't it? Perhaps the shortest blog I've ever written was the precursor to the largest number of words ever written by Barnet bloggers. On March 1st, Barnet Council had it's annual meeting. Most of the Barnet bloggers were in the meeting, I didn't get in. I was filming the crowds outside and found that the inn was full. I wasn't too worried, the meeting would be well blogged. I went home and had a beer. I then checked Twitter. All of the Barnet bloggers were in uproar. A security company called Metpro rapid response were behaving like a tinpot fascist juntas secret police. I googled the company and posted this blog - Metpro Rapid Repsonse - Barnet Council Security at the time I thought it was quite funny, nothing more. Just one link to their website and another to a site saying they'd gone bust - no comment or anything. I thought it may cheer the bloggers up when they came home. What emerged was not funny and was the biggest scandal in the history of Barnet Council. One that still rumbles on. What can be said beyond all doubt was that if it wasn't for VickiM, Mrs Angry, Mr Reasonable and Mr Mustard, then this WOULD NEVER COME OUT. It is shameful that the CEO of Barnet, Nick Walkley,  has never personally thanked them for this.In fact the only person in any position of authority to even acknowledge this role was Lord Monroe Palmer at the Audit meeting to review the inquiry. It is shameful. The press contacted me during the audit inquiry and asked me "Which blogger first broke the story". The only honest answer is that we all did. The tweets were at the meeting and after all of the bloggers submitted FOI's, dug up facts and chatted to people at the meeting who filled in the gaps. I am proud of us all for what we did.
March also saw the birth of the fifth of Barnets famous five bloggers. Mr Mustard published this blog - Welcome - Economics not politics is my crusade 

By the end of the April, Barnet Council had reported him to the ICO because he'd upset them so much !

April -
The Metpro scandal rumbled on. But there were other things going on in the world. The best of these was Manchester City beating Manchester United 1-0 at Wembley. I was there - FA Cup Semi Final - Manchester City 1 - 0 Manchest...
 The saddest news was the death of Punk rock Icon - Poly Styrene - The day the world turned dayglo - Poly Styrene RIP... Brian Coleman also got himself a spin doctor - Barnet Eye Exclusive : Brian Colemans PR Guru name...  That went well, didn't it? And we had the Calm Down Dear comments from David Cameron - David Cameron Special - Calm Down Dear

and finally VickiM started the Barnet bloggers tradition of the Friday Joke - http://citizenbarnet.blogspot.com/2011/04/friday-joke.html and we immediately copied - The Friday Joke

May -
Osama Bin Laden passed away - Barnet Eye Special - The death of Osama Bin Laden. Lynne Hillan quit as Barnet Leader - Barnet Council - Breaking News - Lynne Hillan quit...   The Barnet Eye predicted that Councillor Richard Cornelius would win the leadership election - Barnet Council Leadership Election - The reasons t...
We had a guest blog from John Cox about Pinkham Way  - Guest Blog - Domestic Waste in North West London and we had Ryan Giggs being properly appreciated, as only a Manchester City fan can - An appreciation of Ryan Giggs 
And I got to meet Sylvia Anderson, co creator of Thunderbirds at the RAF museum in Hendon - Sylvia Anderson at the Hendon RAF Museum

June
A cheery anecdote about Sir Fred Goodwin from a friend at RBS - Sir Fred Goodwin - A story to cheer you up . The Barnet Eye passed the 200,000 hits mark (since the Metpro scandal our hit rate has gone to around 30,000 a month by next June we may hit half a million!)  - Barnet Eye Stats special - over 200,000 hits in t... and Richard Cornelius became the Leader of Barnet Council - Congratulations to Richard Cornelius - The new Lea...   I explained why Toyah Wilcox owes me a shag Why Toyah Wilcox owes me a shag !
 and why I thought Dyslexia was Gods practical joke - Dyslexia - Gods practical joke

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So dear friends, that was the highlights from Jan to June. Stay chewned for the next installment.

Friday, 1 January 2021

My predictions for 2021 and the Friday Joke

 Firstly,  Happy New Year, let me give you a prediction for New Years day 2022. I will either be laughing or crying hysterically. This is why. 



Secondly, as it's Friday, here's the Friday Joke. Clare and I last night seeing in the New Year!


As it's Friday, here's a Friday Joke

 

Many of you have, over the years, been mightily impressed by my powers of prediction. This year, I've decided to look forward to the coming year and see what it has in store for us.

January

We will shortly see the beginning of the roll out of the Astra Zeneca vaccine. Many of us are pinning our hopes of a return to normality on this. I predict that the ramp up of the vaccination program will initially be a fiasco with questions in the house. Given the governments inability to organise anything, I don't really think you need to be Mystic Meg to predict this.

We will also see the inauguration of President Joe Biden. I predict that Donald Trump will not go gracefully and we will not have heard the last of him when he walks out of the White House. Trump grants whisltleblower Edward Snowden and Julian Asange a Presidential pardon on his last day of office.

I predict that Republicans in the Senate and the House of Representatives will initially rally around Joe Biden, to show that they do care about the National interest, in a bid to beat Coronavirus and stop the economy tanking completely. I suspect Biden will have a very good first hundred days, with Donald Trump claiming it is all really down to him.

I also predict that by the end of January, we start to see far less complimentary headlines for Boris in the Daily Express and Mail, as the true nature of what he's negotiated becomes clear. I suspect that we will see Farage claiming that the chaos is all because Boris betrayed Brexit and stitched us all up and that the chaos is down to not having a hard Brexit. I suspect that facts will not support this.

February

By the end of February, we should see the fruits of the vaccination program starting to take hold, with a gradual easing back of restrictions. A return of crowds to football and us all to pubs and restaurants, albeit in limited numbers will be more than welcome. The national mood will start to improve. The papers will start to fill with stories of how Brexit is ruining businesses, problems for ex pats and stunted financial growth. I predict that President Macron will take great delight in whatever pain the UK suffers. I predict that Irish reunification will start to be seriously discussed as the DUP wake up to the fact that Great Britain has sold them down the river. As the Covid crisis improves, the SNP will step up pressure for a referendum to leave the UK. Within the Tory party, serious mutterings about the suitability of Boris as PM will start to emerge. When all the heavy lifting has been done with Covid and Brexit, the ambitious chancers will see the opportunity to steal the crown. 
March

As the vaccination program rolls on, things open up ever more. Live music starts to return, larger crowds start to appear at football matches. The chancellors mind turns to how we are to pay the overdraft we've run up. For a nation that has had the worst year in living memory, this is not welcome news. 

The governments postpones phase 2 of HS2 and calls for a major costs review. As the economy opens up, it is clear that the days of the High street as we know it are numbered. The people who have switched to online are not switching back. Our city centres are hollowed out as firms have realised that there is no point spending huge rents on offices when people can do the job at home. Rishi Sunak responds by bringing in new taxes on home working, in a desperate attempt to shore up the nations finances.

As the true cost starts to become apparent and the austerity ++++ measures become clear, any credibility that Rishi Sunak may have retained ebbs away. The questions as to how the Uk could have had the worst death rate and the worst economic damage in Europe start to hammer away at the government. With every day it becomes clearer that the Government needs a serious reboot. With the EU it is clear that the hastily signed and unscrutinised agreement needs a major overhaul as it is causing problems for both the EU and the UK. 

It seems that far from ending the arguments, Brexit has just split the UK and caused deep structural problems. Nigel Farage claims this is down to the lack of a proper Brexit, Kier Starmer claims it is down to a bad agreement and Ed Davey says that it is because Brexit was a bonkers idea in the first place.

April

The end of the pandemic is in sight. All of the vulnerable people in the UK have been innoculated. All of the key workers and schools, offices and public transport are declared safe to use. However the number of people commuting has declined. The London Mayoral Election looms amid total apathy. No one has any enthusiasm for Sadiq Khan and they have even less for Shaun Bailey. A Barnet Council by election in Edgware, formerly a safe Tory seat becomes interesting, as the decline of Edgware becomes a key factor. The rampant unpopularity of the Tory government looks set to deliver a massive upset.

May

To no ones great surprise, Sadiq Khan delivers a victory with a far smaller turnout than ever. The Tory candidate Shaun Bailey gets a comprehensive kicking coming fourth, as Londoners blame him for Brexit and the failures of the pandemic. The Tories come fourth in the Edgware by election behind the Lib Dems, Greens and Labour as a huge protest vote. It appears that Boris is living on borrowed time.

June

The UK and USA officially declare the pandemic beaten. Boris announces a 'Festival of Brexit' to celebrate, to widespread derision. Keir Starmer says the money should be spent rebuilding the NHS and Nigel Farage says that Brexit has been betrayed so there is nothing to celebrate. Ed Davey announces that Lib Dem policy will be for a referendum to rejoin as the economic figures show that Brexit has had a massive impact on UK GDP. Boris states that the impact is due to covid and Starmer claims it is down to Boris mismanaging everything.

July

Japan announces that the Olympics are being postponed, as a new vaccine resistant variant of Covid is identified and start to spread across the globe. Boris announces that Britain is well placed to develop a new vaccine to beat the virus because of Brexit. Everyones holiday plans are thrown into chaos as borders are closed and flights cancelled. Boris announces that the Festival of Brexit is being cancelled as a precaution.

 August

President Joe Biden announces that his 'Virus task force' has a new vaccine and we only need to wait three months before it can be deployed. The UK sees its first cases of the new strain of the virus, as Boris is criticised for not following the EU and closing borders. Boris reaches a record low popularity.

 September

Jeremy Hunt launches a leadership bid, stating that the Tories are finished if they don't appoint someone not tainted with the failures of the past year. Rishi Sunak throws his hat in to the ring, as Boris succumbs to the inevitable. As is the way with the Conservative party, the favourites are shafted and Elisabeth Truss takes over, largely on the basis that no one has a clue who she is, so they don't hate her yet.  Boris responds to his fall from grace by claiming French citizenship and moving to his Dad's chateau.

October

Elisabeth Truss flies to the USA to try and negotiate a trade deal. Joe Biden tells her that this can only be completed if the UK cedes Northern Ireland to the Republic. Truss agrees and Irish Nationalists everywhere celebrate. Truss claims that her action is only a practical recognition of what Boris had put into effect with the Brexit treaty.  The DUP announce that they will be seeking full independence for the North.

November

The UK enters lockdown as new cases of the mutant virus run rampant. Liz Truss announces that Xmas is cancelled as we will not have a vaccine until January. Keir Starmer announces that it is 'Groundhog Year' due to Tory mismanagement. Ed Davey bemoans the fact that the EU has slammed 500% export duties on the new vaccine to the UK, ensuring that we have no supplies, except for the mega rich who can afford it from private clinics. Liz Truss announces that this "levelling up in action".

December

Donald Trump launches his new TV channel, based in Moscow, where he has fled to avoid the FBI. On its first day, it reveals that the USA has been in constant contact with Aliens since 1947 and that Joe Biden is in fact an Alien. Trump reveals that the Chinese have also been in contact with the Aliens and it was the Aliens who distributed the virus to ensure he was not re-elected. 

In the UK, the Queen's speech is a rather different affair. Her majesty makes an unexpected live broadcast. She apologises to the nation for the total ineptitude of her government and announcing that she is abdicating as she's had enough of them all. Furthermore, she is taking up German citizenship, as she's of German ancestry and they seem to know what they are doing. Her parting shot is "I am leaving you lot in the hands of Charles and Camilla, God knows you deserve each other.


HAPPY NEW YEAR

P.S. I hope I am wrong about all of this. Here's a playlist to cheer you up


Friday, 12 October 2012

The Friday Joke (s) 12/10/2012

The Fried egg Joke

I usually try and cheer up my readers on a Friday with a joke. Last night at about 3am I awoke and for some unfathomable reason was thinking of the irony of the "One Barnet" program. There are many things about One Barnet, which actually mean it should be called "None Barnet". Here are a few reasons why:

After years of non cooperation with the club, Barnet have successfully outsourced our local club Barnet FC to the London Borough of Harrow. When the club move to the Hive in Edgware, will the supporters still chant "There's only One Barnet FC"

And what about when we ring the Barnet Council help line? We will presumably get through to a very helpful chappie in Bromley or Bermuda or Bangalore, undoubtedly to be treated to the usual bank helpline stilted chitchat "hello sir, the weather is good, did you enjoy Eastenders. Sorry we can't deal with that we'll have to  transfer you to another department"

And what about when we want to bury our dead granny? As cemetaries are being privatised, according to the Council to mimic Easyjet, how will that go? "Hello, yes you want to bury your grandmother. The basic plot is £1,000. Does she have any oversize luggage? Sorry we don't have an actual plot reservation system, so you'll have to just turn up with a shovel. Oh yes we can supply gravediggers, that will be an extra £500. Will you be filling in the hole yourself? Ok that will be an extra £500. Will you be carrying the coffin from the Church to the cemetary plot? Oh, if you want to bring a hearse into the cemetary that will be £200, plus and extra £50 for each extra car. We also have a CPZ in the graveyard, with pay by phone, so make sure your attendees have registered and paid for their parking slots. Oh and our attendents will be available for purpose of lottery scratchcards and beverages.

Of course there is one part of our Barnet which will carry on just the same. There is one bit which won't be outsourced. This is of course the Councillors. There are 63 of them. They all get allowances for a job, where the minimum requirement is to attend two meetings a year in exchange for an allowance of between £10,000 and £37,000 per annum, depending on which committees and posts you work on. Even though the Council is getting rid of everyone who actually does any work, there are no plans for a cut in the number of councillors or council allowances.
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 Anyway, here is a real Friday  joke.

A man goes into a Cafe and orders a fried egg, two sausages and rasher of bacon. When it arrives, he gets up lies on the table, puts the two eggs over his eyes, the rasher of bacon over his mouth and the two sausages up his nose. He then just lies perfectly still.

After about two minutes, the cafe owner, rather perplexed at this behaviour says "excuse me sir, what are you doing". The man says nothing. The cafe owner gets more irate and asks again. Again the man ignores him. After the third attempt to get a response is ignored, the cafe owner, picks up the plate, removes the bacon from the mans mouth, the two sausages from the mans nose and the two eggs from the mans eyes.

He then shouts at him "right, I've had enough of you, get out". The man looks at him in a rather perplexed manner and says "but I haven't had my breakfast". The cafe owner says "look, I don't care, you come in here, lie on my table, put your food on your face and ignore me when I ask you what you are doing, I'm not having you in my cafe".

The man responds "well, I find your attitude most offensive, I won't be coming in this establishment again" and storms off.

A couple of minutes later, the cafe owner notices that the customer had dropped his wallet. He decides to do the decent thing and try and let him know. In the wallet he finds the mans home telephone number. He rings up and explains what happened to the mans wife. She apologises profusely and explains "I'm afraid my husband suffers from a little known conditition called "Jeremy Beadle syndrome". He believes his life is all part of an episode of Jeremy Beadle's "You've Been Framed" show. The Cafe Owner feels rather ashamed for his treatment of the poor unfortunate man. He apologises to the mans wife for his poor behaviour and asks if there is any way he can make amends.

She replies "Well, I'll send him back for his wallet. When he comes in, tell him that you thought the whole scene was hilarious and Jeremy Beadle had been in to have a laugh about it. The psychiatrist has advised that his frame of mind is so unstable that we cannot do anything to upset his fragile perception of reality". The cafe owner feels much better and agrees to play along.

Anyway, about half an hour later the man turns up for his wallet. The Cafe owner, on seeing him rushes out to greet him. He says "Oh sir, I must apologise for my behaviour. After you left, Jeremy Beadle came in and we had such a laugh about it". At this the man rared up and punched the cafe owner in the face. He then said "You bastard, are you trying to take the mickey. I'm from candid camera !".

Friday, 23 November 2018

The Friday Joke (and a little matter related to Barnet)

Image result for teenage drivers joke
Teenage Drivers
First of all apologies. This is three blogs in one. The first is our regular Friday Slot, the Friday Joke. If that's all you want, don't read the second bit. The second bit is my reflections on last nights Audit committee. The third is a short note concerning the current situation with the bins. I had a beer with one of Barnets dustmen in the Bridge last night. It is worth a quick look

I would normally write three seperate blogs, but as today is Black Friday, things are pretty chaotic at Mill Hill Music Complex. We are overrun with people taking advantage of our 15% off offer on musical instruments, so I'll have to dash.....

1. The Friday Joke


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they  could discuss his use of the car.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: "You bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible and get your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car".     

The boy  thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.                                                                                                  
 
After about six weeks his father said: "Son, you've brought your grades up and I'm impressed that you have been studying the Bible, When youget your hair cut, I'll be happy to let you drive the car".
                                                                                            
The boy said:  "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair".

Dad Replied "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere?"
And on to other business....

2. Barnet Council Audit Committee Round up 

 Last night the Barnet Council Audit Committee met to discuss the latest iteration of the Grant Thornton report into the large Capita Fraud. I addressed the committee, as did my fellow bloggers John Dix and Theresa Musgrove. Several other residents also addressed the committee.

There was also a very short public questions section (myself, John Dix and Barbara Jacobson were given a chance to respond to the non answers we were given.


There were several interesting developments at the meeting. I was first up with my address to the committee. I noted that the two new Tory members of the committee were actively taking notes. Councillor Zinkin, one of the old guard stared boredly into space. For Labour, Alison Moore listened intently. Councillor Mittra had a rather strange look on his face. I do hope that he is not unwell. The independent member Richard Harbord. Mr Harbord didn't look particularly interested in anything I said, and actually fell asleep during another member of the publics contribution. He was woken up when a very naughty member of the public shouted at him to wake up. What terribly rude members of the public we have in Barnet, waking up people from much needed beauty sleep!

I've no idea what anyone thought of my comments, as there was absolutely no response at all. For reasons I don't understand, my Microphone was turned off half way through my contribution. If I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd have thought it was th throw me off my train of thought. That would be silly. I'm a musician and I'm used to mic's playing up. Besides, I'd written out what I had to say. Here it is if you are interested.
Dear Members of the Aduit Committee

I have reviewed the latest iteration of the Grant Thornton report. There are several issues that are of major concern to me, time constraints prevent all of these being raised, in relation to the operation of this committee.

A major concern I have is that it appears Grant Thornton have adopted a new variation of the industry standard RAG status tracking. They have introduced a blue status,
which allegedly means "not tested by Audit". In truth this simply means work not completed. If something is not tested, then there can be no confidence that the work is completed.

As an example, here is the Grant Thornton summary for BACS controls which is blue. It says

"The process has been submitted and verified, however it has not been possible to test the operating effectiveness of this control,
as the control design was not finalised in the testing period. Further testing is required."

In plain English, this means work is not completed and the risk has not been closed. The Audit Committee of Barnet Council should not be complicit in allowing such practices
that brush serious risks under the carpet.

Another major concern is the apparent "positive spin" put on serious deficiencies in rectifiying problems. For instance GT32 "Review of cost
centres and fraudulent transactions" - The work has not been completed. The summary concludes "Significant progress has been made in completing this
recommendation, but some  further limited work remains to be done before the recommendation can be signed off as fully complete. A further verbal update on progress will
be provided to the Audit Committee on 22 November". Verbal updates to the committee are simply unacceptable. There should be a full explanation as to why this workstream
designated High Priority for immediate action has not been completed.

I have to conclude that this report is not fit for purpose and ask for the audit committee to insist that Grant Thornton produce a report that residents and taxpayers can have confidence in.
Next up was Mr Reasonable AKA John Dix. As ever John gave an excellent presentation. He stated that he'd been banned from asking a question by the Grant Thornton auditor. Councillor Finn told him he was being silly and that he'd not been banned from asking the question, the auditor simply wasn't going to answer. I was recalling a meeting around this time last year. Then the chair was former councillor Hugh Rayner. Myself and John Dix addressed the committee. Councillor Rayner spoke to us both before and after and told us how much he valued public comments and the work we were doing. He asurred us that he'd do everything to ensure we got satisfactory responses. Sadly, the new regime takes a different view. Theresa Musgrove made her contribution. One of the new Tory Councillors Alex Prager asked Theresa if she'd bring everything in house after her impassioned contribution. She replied yes she would, but the committee should at least have a proper business case to base their decision on. Councillor Prager looked as if he understood the merit in that suggestion. Next up was Barbara Jacobson from the Barnet Alliance for Public Services. I was shocked by the discourtious treatment Barbara was given. Unlike Councillors, members of the public receive no £10,000 allowance to turn up to meetings. Councillor Finn, the chair, sarcastically commented that there were five people in the public gallery. If that is the level of his scrutiny, no wonder we have had a major fraud. At this point, I broke the habit of a lifetime and took a selfie for posterity of the "5" people in the public gallery and tweeted it.


The contempt for Ms Jacobson was palpable. I don't really understand why. Whatever you may think of Ms Jacobsons views, she's a publicly minded citizen who makes intelligent comments. By all means thwart her with your superior intellect or with facts. Plain rudeness though is another matter altogether. There was considerable rowdyness in the public gallery. I was intrigued. I didn't think Barbara made a significantly better or worse contribution than myself of John Dix, but the reaction in the gallery was markedly hostile. The reason was quite simple. The chair would not be rude to a man in the way he was to Barbara. I hope that a video is produced so you can see. There were a couple more public contributions. All calling for proper scrutiny and asking why the council hadn't already slung Capita out given the appalling findings of Grant Thornton.

Then we had public questions. In this section, the council are ased questions, provide 'responses' (the term answers would be misleading). Then the public can ask a supplemental. I had the chance to answer one supplemental. Interestingly, the chair broke with protocol and invited John Dix up before me. I didn't really mind, John asks far better and more intelligent questions than I do, but it was strange. It soon became clear that the chaior of audit hadn't read the papers properly and it was simply a mistake. John got his non answer. I was invited up next.  The question I had asked was as follows
Please can the chair of  the committee explain why the public should have confidence in the Grant Thornton report, given that they were the council auditors at the time that the Capita contracts were set up. Whilst the   report   does appear to be thorough and professionally produced, there  is a clear conflict of interest and surely a    completely independent firm, who had no possible  vested interest in the outcome of the review    
The response was as follows
GrantThornton were the Council’s external auditors for the years 2002-03 to 2014-5 and the alleged fraud took place after this period of audit (the first alleged fraudulent transaction took place in July 2016). The Review considered the controls in place from the time the alleged fraud started and the extent to which controls had been revised since.

Other companies were considered and discounted before the appointment of
Grant Thornton; BDO for example were considered inappropriate as they are the
Council’s current auditors and PwC were discounted given they are the Council’s current internal auditors.GT have considerable experience and skills in this area and this response should give the public the reasons why they should have confidence that GT has carried out a professional review that can be relied upon

No conflict of interest exists.
Given that Grant Thornton were the auditors when the controls for the original contract were set up, as admitted in this response, this response is totally unsatisfactory. I am also very disturbed that the fraud is referred to as an alleged fraud twice. This is at odds with the facts. The fraudster was convicted. This is not alleged.  Is there another fraud? That can be the only explanation (apart from a complete misunderstanding of the law by the council).

The suplimental question I asked was why only three accountancy firms were mentioned and whether any others could have been selected. Councillor Finn announced in a very patronising tone "Yes of course there were". That is the level of response we get.

After public questions, Cllr Barry Rawlings, Labour Group leader addressed the committee. He was concerned about the redacted sections of the report which the councillors were being asked to vote on. He stated that councillors could not provide scrutiny if they were denied access to papers. A  discussion followed and Councillor Moore asked for a vote. Councillor Finn was rather surprised when the two new Tory Councillors broke rank, to allow the Labour motion to pass. For most people this would seem like a fine display of common sense and independence by Cllr's Prager and Jajeh, we congratulate them on their stance. It was pragmatic and appreciated by the public. This resulted in the committee going into closed session later to discuss the secret bits of the papers.

By then however I was long gone. 

3. Bin Collection Chaos.

As I mentioned above, I was long gone by the end of the meeting. I play five a side football on a Thursday (yes bloggers have a life). Afterwards, I usually adjourn to The Bridge in Mill Hill for a pint. As I was drinking with my football buddies, I was joined by one of our local UKIP activists, a regular at the Bridge. He was having a beer with a Barnet bin man. Although some may think UKIP have gone away, they are very much alive and well in Mill Hill and are actively working to recruit council workers, fed up with the Tories and looking for a party they feel can represent them. Odd though it may seem, I am happy to have a beer and a chat with people across the political spectrum.
The chap from UKIP was especially keen for me to hear what the binman had to say. I established that the chap was a UNISON member. He told me that the council knew the new routes were unworkable and furthermore told me that his supervisor had told him "It will get worse before it gets better". He said that in all his years in the council, and after all the changes he'd seen, this was the worst reorganisation he'd ever known. 

The chap fro UKIP's parting shot was interesting. He said "The Tories and Labour in Barnet Council have let down these guys. There is a lot of interest in UKIP in the workforce. You wouldn't see any of their councillors in the Bridge having a beer with real workers". As a Lib Dem who does drink beer in the Bridge with real workers, it put into focus exactly what happened in the council chamber. An out of touch committee chair, a bunch of politicians who would never set foot in a pub to sup with the workers, an executive who treat the public with contempt. Public questions get responses that are not only not answers, but are factually incorrect. 

I run a business. If the loo's are blocked, I unblock them. If an engineer has a problem, I sit next to them and help them. If I had been elected as a councillor, I would have joined a bin crew on a round, to see the problem. I would have spoken with the depot supervisors. I would have initiated  a root cause analysis on day 1 of the problems. None of this has been done. Councillors don't do dustcarts in Barnet. I think we are getting to the point where there is a very toxic mix brewing. As a blogger, I see it as my duty to speak to people from all walks of life and corners of the Borough. What I am hearing is more disturbing by the day. 

 Please excuse me for spoiling the joke.  Now I really must sell some guitars.

---- Don't forget to make a date in your diary for The Barnet Eye Xmas party and Community awards at Mill Hill Rugby Club on Fri 14th December at Mill Hill Rugby Club at 8pm. We really hope you can come down and say Hi. Admission is Free.

Friday, 13 May 2011

The Friday the 13th Joke

As is our tradition in Barnet (as started by VickiM), here is the Friday joke. Following criticism from Richard Dawkins and his band of militant secularist Athiests, we've issued two versions of this joke. One for believers and one for Athiests


Friday Joke For Believers


While walking down the street one day promenant London Assembly Member, Brian Coleman is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in, 'says the Brian.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity'.

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says Brian.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter puts him in a taxi (on heavan's expense account) and he goes down, down, down to hell. He finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a the Hell Town Hall and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the taxpayer.
Brian is lead off to the most magnificent buffet he has ever seen and dines on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and pack him off into a Hellcabs taxi . The Taxigoes up, up, up and the door opens at heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with Brian joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity'.

Brian reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell. '

So St. Peter escorts him back to his Hellcab (waiting with the meter running) and he goes down, down, down to hell.

When he arrives, he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.  He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the Brian. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a beautiful Town Hall and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning ...

Today you voted.'

Friday Joke For Secularists and Athiests as approved by Richard Dawkins



While walking down the street one day promanant London Assembly Member, Brian Coleman is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Strangely they both sort of work, don't they - Enjoy your weekend, whatever you get up to and mind those trucks

Friday, 15 October 2021

The Friday Joke - 15th October 2021

 It's Friday and in the usual tradition of this blog, we have a Friday Joke. Regular readers will know that we are animal lovers here. So here is an animal joke. You will also know we love a bit of technology. So here is a joke for your delectation. A mad scientist develops a micro chip that can be inserted into the brain of any animal, allowing them to speak perfect English. Once it has been perfected, he decides to test it on his pet dog and cat. He gives them anaesthetic, inserts the chip and then lays them out in the front room to recover. Realising that it will take a while for the animals to recover, he wanders off to the pub and proceeds to get bladdered.

The cat and dog awake at the same time. The cat wakes up, stares at the dog, who stares back. The cat says "What are you looking at dogface?" The dog is startled, he understands perfectly. He replies without thinking. 

"A mangy old stink bag since you asked!" The cat like wise is startled. How can the dog be speaking perfect English and how can I understand what he's saying.

The cat and dog start discussing what could possibly have happened. Both agree that they'd better keep schtum when the master returns until they've figured out what is going on. Both have figured out that it may not be too wise to have the human knowing they can speak English.

Shortly after the Master arrives. He has a bevvy of friends in tow from the pub. They all gather around as the scientist explains what he's done and how the animals will earn him a fortune. The cat and dog give each other a sideways glance, realising this could interfere with their hither to comfy life. 

The scientist addresses the cat and say "Tiddles, would you prefer chicken or tuna for tea?". The cat looks at him and says "Meow" and starts licking his paws. The scientist realises that maybe there may be a fault in the cat's chip. There are guffaws from the assembled drunks.

He says "I'll have to check that later, the dogs chip must be ok". He turns to the dog and says "What would you prefer a walkies or a juicy bone". The dog looks at him, feigning a puzzled look and says "woof!". 

At this the drunks start to tease and laugh at the scientist, asking him what he's been drinking all day. The cat and dog feel relieved. They've both twigged that they can use this to their advantage. Now they know what the human is up to. Life will be so much easier. The scientist is distraught and kicks out the drunks. As he's sitting there, a foul stench fills the room. His life work has been for nothing. As he's drunk he turns to the dog and says "You useless mutt, you are no good as a guard dog, you are no good as a house dog, you don't fetch a ball. All you do is sit there and fart".

The dog, enraged at the insult, fixes him in his sights and says "That was the cat!".

Have a great weekend. 

Friday, 18 March 2022

Next week is Barnet Eye Greatest Hits week (+ The Friday Joke)

 We are celebrating the 25th anniversary of the conception of the Barnet Eye blog next week. On the 20th March 2007, I sent an email to Phil Crowther, who was then the editor of the Barnet Times, suggesting that I write a column in the paper, featuring local music, bands and artists. I said that I felt that this would bring a new, younger readership to the paper and also help local bands to raise their profile. I reminded him of the columns by Kevin Black, Joy Bentley and Clarence Mitchell, that did just that in the early 1980's. I heard nothing. Six months later, I emailed again. I again heard nothing. I'm not one to give up. Three months later (now we are in March 2008), I sent another follow up. To my amazement, I got a reply almost immediately. The answer intrigued me. He said that he couldn't give a slot in the paper for music, but he'd be more than happy for me to become one of their new 'community bloggers'. This meant they'd give me my own page on their website. 

I didn't know what a blogger was, odd though that may seem now. My interaction with social media had been a few songs on Myspace and an entry on Friends reunited. So I did what I always do. I reead up on how to be a successful blogger. The website I looked at gave me three golden rules. 1. Post as often as you can. 2. Post about stuff that interests you and you have something to say about. 3. Post things that no one else is saying. I'd 100% intended to simply blog about music. The first blog I wrote was about the dangers of systemic insecticides in the growing of skunk weed on 23rd June 2008, which got little response, as did the second that was about local music festivals but by a strange quirk of fate, the second or third day I started, something a local politician said riled me. I wrote a rather ssarcastic blog, saying exactly what I thought of him. It didn't occur to me that anyone actually read the blog. I'd not posted it on Twitter (as I wasn't even aware of Twitter) or Facebook. Next thing I knew, the blog had dozens of comments and was top of the 'most read articles' table on the website. 

This created a momentum of its own. I realised that there was a whole lot of people out there who wanted someone to voice what they were thinking about our local council and it's esteemed councillors. I also learned that the local Tories are a bit thin skinned. Coleman got his PR guy at the GLA to ring up and try and get the offending blog removed. Phil Coleman made the classic error of telling me this. He didn't and thought it was hilarious that (in his words) "A blog read by five people had caused such a stir". I thought it was hilarious. Even more so when I realised that the Times had set my permissions up incorrectly and I could do anything I wanted on their website. I would never breach the trust of Phil Crowther, but I could see the stats and far more than five people had read the blog. 

The whole thing inspired me. In October, the Tories running Barnet Council threatened to pull the advertising on the Barnet Times if they didn't give me the boot. This was the papers main source of income and they duly capitulated. Brian Coleman and his henchman Robert Rams reputedly went for a drink to 'celebrate the end of my blogging career'. As I'd never really considered myself a blogger in the first place, this amused me. It may surprise newer readers to learn what happened next. Former local Tory bigwig, son of Baroness Hendon and chair of Friern Barnet Conservatives David Miller was outraged. He saw this as a Stalinist attack on free speech. David agreed with many of my comments about Barnet Council, if not my politics. He persuaded me to set up the Barnet Eye blog and publish the blog that had caused the Torys to lose the plot. You will have to wait until Monday to read that story! 

I assumed that no one would read the Barneteye. I called it that as a play on 'Private Eye'. The full name is |"99% is.... The Barnet Eye".  This confused many people. They assumed it was because I stood with the 99% rather than the 1% who rule us. It was nothing of the sort. It was an in joke. There was an obscure punk rock song called 99% is Sh*t by the Cash Pussies. Apparently one of our local Tories told Crowther that 99% of what I wrote was just that and they wouldn't stand by and let me get away with it. I doubt any of them got the joke. 

For the first six months or so of the blog, I wasn't really interested in whether anyone was reading it. I knew that if no one was, I'd get demoralised and give up. So I didn't look. When eventually I did, to my amazement, I'd had 60,000 views. I realised that I was doing something right. I had no idea that I'd actually achieve anything by writing the blog. I was wrong. Next week I will be picking my five greatest hits as a blogger. I've been giving this a lot of thought. Barnet needs bloggers. You can achieve things if you put your mind to it. 

And finally....

It's Friday, so here is the Friday Joke. Have a great weekend!



Friday, 7 October 2022

The Friday Joke - Goodbye to Robert Wilkinson

 About 12 years ago the former Queen of Barnet Blogging, Vicki Morris (sadly she moved out of the Borough) invented the concept of the Friday Joke. Vicki said that we'd all had a tough week and we needed a joke to cheer us up and put us in the mood for the weekend. I thought it was a wonderful idea. I've carried it on ever since. Being a musician, I don't have a huge well of jokes to fish in. Being a Dad, I love a rather corny joke that may not be that funny but does give you a chuckle; whilst the kids groan. As with my Dad's jokes, I know that they will one day look back on my awful puns with a tear in their eye and a chuckle. The Friday Joke has become an institution on the Barnet Eye and Friday is usually the day of the week when the blog gets the most hits. 

To ensure a constant stream of decent jokes, I've had to cast the net wider over the years. I was fortunate enough to come across Mr Robert Wilkinson. Robert is an author and if Psychological drama's are your thing, he is a damn fine author. Robert has kept a great stream of good 'Dad jokes' flowing and regular readers will know that I've used many of them and always credit Robert. 

Anyway, Robert has had enough of the toxic landscape that Twitter has become. Today he is deleting his twitter account. He posted this on his twitter feed.  It's great that he's still posting gags on his final day as a tweeter. 

It is truly sad that Robert has felt the need to preserve his sanity and get away from Twitter. I genuinely will miss him and wish him well and I really wanted to make the effort to thank him personally, as he's made doing this feature a hell of a lot easier. 

Anyway, as I won't be able to use Robert's rich well of humour anymore, maybe I'll be featuring a great young comedian from Mill Hill. Ali Wood is the son of one of my football squad and has been making a real name for himself recently. He's picked up over 130,000 followers on Instagram so can probably claim to be Mill Hill's most popular comic. Check this our







.

Friday, 22 November 2019

The Friday Joke 22/11/2019 - The final destination

This made me snigger!
It's Friday so it's joke day. Lord knows we need one today. I've seldom felts so bleak about the situation we are facing. But it's Friday, I'm going for a curry and then for a boogie watching The Silencerz at The Butchers Arms in Barnet, so today I will eat, drink and be merry!

Boris Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinson are on the way to the TV debate in an Uber and sadly a meteorite falls from the sky, instantly obliterating them and half of Kensington. They make their way to the pearly gates, along with the other poor souls caught in the terrible calamity. As they approach St Peter, Boris strides to the front of the queue. St Peter eyes him up and down and says "Name". Boris, rather indignant at not being recognised says "I'm Boris Johnson, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom". St Peter replies "Matthew 20:16 - Back of the queue". Boris looks nonplussed. St Peter, rather patronisingly states "The First shall be last and the last first".

Jeremy Corbyn and Jo Swinson look at each other, and not wishing to suffer such an indignity, make their way to the back with Boris. After what seems like an age, the queue is processed. Jeremy Corbyn, hoping to make a good impression says "Ladies first". Swinson steps up. St Peter gives her a rather world weary look and says "Name". Swinson nervously replies "Jo Swinson". St Peter replies "And why should I let you in here? It's where the good people go". Swinson replies "Well I tried my hardest to stop him getting elected" pointing at Boris. St Peter, with a rather pained expression says "Well I suppose I can't argue with that, in you go". Next up is Jeremy Corbyn. After St Peter has heard his name, he says "Ok Jeremy, this is a bit complicated, you spent your life and your career stating that the boss was a figment of the imagination, why on earth should I let you in?". Corbyn looks horrified. Gathering his thoughts, he said "We'll I spent 20 years campaigning for the Beirmingham six and The Guildford four, who were good Catholic boys and totally innocent to be freed from prison". St Peter, with a very pained look says "Ok, you can go in to, but for your own sake keep out of the way of the boss". This leaves Boris on his own. St Peter warmly grins and says "Well thats the shmucks out of the way, your welcome to come in, but for special people, we like to give you the choice, before you make your mind up, the fella downstairs has offered you a guided tour to see what you think. Contrary to popular belief, if you like enjoying yourself, it can be a bit of a hoot down there. If you don't like it, then you can come here".

Boris, rather flattered that he is being treated so specially says "Well it can't do any harm to have a look". St Peter ushers him to the Big elevator in the sky and he descends to the dark depths. As he opens the door, he's amazed, there's a sumptuous feast, a whole bevvy of those busty blondes hes so keen on, and even a #Brexit poster. He soon notices a whole bunch of his best friends. The dark lord makes his way over and says "Well Prime Minister, what do you think? Not like the books at all, is it?" Boris is very impressed. The Dark Lord then  hands him a piece of paper and says "this is what you get if you choose here, this is the place for people like us". Boris looks at it and it says "Guarantee, Party every night, fine food, the best wines and all the girls you can imagine". Boris says "Yes I think I'll take it". The Devil says "Ok, just nip up and tell Pete and come straight back". So of fgoes Boris in the Elevator. When he  gets back, St Peter says "Well what did you think?" Boris said "well thanks for the offer up here, but down there seems far more like my sort of place".  St Peter says "Are you sure you don't want to change your mind?". Boris says "No, I like it more there". He descends down and when the doors open, he's greeted with a blast of heat and three monstrous demons grab him and drag him for an eternity of torture. As Boris passes Satan he says "Whats happening, where's the party, where's the blondes?". Satan replies "Oh come on Boris, surely you, better than anyone know the difference between the promises at the pre election rally and what happens when you get the vote".

As Boris is lead away, he asks "Is this it then for ever, tortured by demons". Satan replies, oh no, we're not that cruel, we'll let you out for five minutes when Donald Trump comes down for his tour!

**** Please note that this joke in no way implies that I think any of the said individuals will end in the destination listed. This is a joke! I've no idea where any of them will go.


Please join us on Friday 13th December at 8pm at The Midland Hotel, Hendon, for the Barnet Eye Community awards and annual Xmas party. We are also looking for nominations for our community awards, click here for details. Free admission

Friday, 6 October 2017

The Friday Joke - 05/10/2017 - Suspended due to essential maintenance at local Libraries

If you've never met me and only read my blogs, I suspect that you will be a tad surprised, should you ever have the misfortune to spend some time with me. I try my hardest to be polite and nice to people, to put people at ease and to genuinely try and give them the benefit of the doubt. I am well known for enjoying the craic as they say where my Grandad was born. I try my hardest to present a cheerful demeanour to the world and to make people smile. I always enjoy putting together the Friday Joke. It is a bit of light relief and I hope that the readers of the blog enjoy it.

I am, therefore always highly fed up when I have to miss printing one, unless it is to promote a gig, or some other great local event. I believe that we should strive to make life joyous and a celebration. Once in a while, however, my sunny demeanour is disturbed and I feel a joke is not appropriate. Today is one such occasion. The source of my ire? A completely dishonest tweet from the Barnet Conservatives, in response to a Tweet from the Save Barnet Libraries campaign.
When you give evidence in court, you are asked to give three things. The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth. If you do not do this a Judge, Jury or Magistrate will deem you to be untrustworthy. Your evidence is likely to be discounted and you may well find yourself in trouble for perjury.

So how does the @BarnetTories tweet stand in this respect. Well if you apply this test to the statement, it would not be unreasonable to conclude that the Barnet Tories have done a marvellously good job as the custodians of the jewels that comprise Barnet's library service. But does the tweet tell the whole truth? Would M'Lud conclude that they are reliable, honest and decent witnesses? Or would he conclude that they are a tad shifty?

Lets present the evidence.

They state that unlike Brent, which is run by Labour,  no libraries have shut on their watch. But they are playing fast and loose with the truth. Lets take a look at Mill Hill Library. As a toddler, my mum would take me there and I'd select Thomas The Tank Engine books from the marvellous childrens library section on the left had side. Mum would bring these home and read them to me. This cycle was repeated with my own children. It is not in my nature to boast, but I believe that this is a critical factor in the incredible academic success of my children. The children's library had been refurbished and was a very child friendly place where youngsters could enjoy books while mums socialised. There are many reasons why you don't really want children and toddlers sharing a space with adult
library users. Hopefully I don't really need to spell these out.

Sadly, the childrens library in Mill Hill has shut. It has been taken over by the Mill Hill Hub. This provides all sorts of marvellous things, such as hot desking facilites for business people, a cafe and a space for performances. In many ways it is a good thing. But it is not a proper childrens library. There is still a library, in Mill Hill. It is 50% of the size of the previous library. Some libraries have had their size cut by far more. If you cut a library's size down by 50-75%, that means that there are a half or a quarter as many books. It means that more people are crammed in and the environment is less conducive to work. Now that is bad enough, but if you sack the librarian and let untrained volunteers run the show, it ceases to be a library. I have shelves of books in my house and I know what they all are. But is my house a library? Of course it isn't.

Now I have a degree of sympathy for our local Conservative administration. The government has put them in an impossible position with budget cuts. Whilst I believe that they are misguided to cut library provision, I can see why they have made such a decision. If they were honest and said "We would love to keep our local library service, but the government has cut our budgets to the point where it is unsustainable", I would applaud them for their honesty, if nothing else. But they can't do that because they know it would make the local Tory MP's, all with wafer thin majorities, even more vulnerable. So what do they do?

They do something which is despicable and dishonest. They put out leaflets which are misleading and dishonest. They have only "not closed libraries" if you think that children don't matter and that a room with a few books in it and a few people hanging around to tidy up is a library. To run a library, you need to be qualified, as in study and have exams. This means that when members of the public come in, you can answer their queries.

And then there is the opening hours. In 2012 these were the opening hours
Click for a more readable version
And what are they like today?
Click for a more readable version

So there are two different models of cuts, both of which I believe are short sighted, bad for our communities and unfair on residents who use libraries (typically, the elderly, young families and those with financial difficulties). The Brent model where you close half of the libraries, but keep a decent service at the rest or the Barnet model where you close half of the space, get rid of the staff and provide a service run by untrained amateurs (who are clearly decent and publicly minded people).

Not only that but many Barnet libraries are self service. These are closed to children and minors. In Barnet, children don't really seem to matter at all to our Conservative councillors, which may well be why OFSTED issued such a damning report of childrens services.  Despite the prosperity in Barnet, many live in poverty and many students and young people use the libraries as a quiet space for study and revision. I used to myself when revising for exams. There is no telly, no distractions. If the space is not open, it is shut. As you can see, your local library is shut far more regularly.

There is an ancillary matter as well to consider. They say they've spent £7 million on refurbishment and "new techs". None of this has been spent on libraries, it has been spent on making the space suitable for other purposes. So is this statement "the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth".

So when the Tories say "Thanks for drawing attention to our £7m investment in new tech & refurbs to keep all libraries open! @BrentLabour closed 1/2 theirs instead. ", is it the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth". I'll let you, the jury decide in May next year

God bless the child, but not in Barnet. Here we bless vested interests. I can't lift your mood with a joke today with a joke, I apologise. But here is some truly awesome music that sums up how I feel and how I worry for our community. May God bless you!