Wednesday, 12 September 2012

Praise be to the Lard - Brian Coleman is my biggest fan !

Brian Coleman as the Barnet Bez !
I kid you not !!!!! Today Councillor Brian Coleman published an article with a lovely picture of me, half inched from one of our local papers. I hope he paid Anne-Marie Saunderson a few pennies for the use (or whoever owns the copyright). As Brian is clearly now a big fan of mine and thoroughly enjoys my blog, I thought I'd repay the tribute with my favourite picture of him.

Of late, Brian has been out of the spotlight and this does not agree with him. Like many late middle aged men, he has started to dream up all manner of conspiracies. It seems he has taken to fantasising that there are teams of bloggers in Black vans scouring the streets of Barnet for Conservative clubs to vandalise and Tory councillors to terrorise.

 Fortunately, Brian recognises that this blog is far from the maddening crowd of other bloggers. Here we like a bit of genuine sensible political debate and like nothing better on our nights off from debuachery than a bit of armchair auditing "a la Pickles". In fact I have just invested in a large jar of the finest Crosse and Blackwell pickles specifically for this purpose. As we know, Brian prefers a different route to getting pickled, but that is quite another story.

 As we said above, Brian exhonourated this blog from his criticisms and was good enough to say some kind words, so it would be rude not to repeat them for him here (let's face it, Brian saying kind things about anyone in Barnet is so rare, it deserves to be carved in stone).
Anyway, enough waffle from me. What did he say next to my handsome image? Here it is verbatim.
I am not worried about blogs that genuinely debate matters of political interest and indeed there are several that cover Barnet affairs from a socialist point of view with which I fundamentally disagree but I enjoy reading. Furthermore the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles’ idea about recruiting “armchair auditors“ is a positive move to enhance the power of the Internet and make local government more accountable.
Well thanks Brian, as they say somewhere in the bible, there is much joy over a sinner who repenteths.

Maybe Brian has realised that he rather made a fool out of himself, embarrassed his colleagues and damaged the reputation of the Barnet Conservative party last night and is trying to sucker up to me as I was not actually around at the Town Hall last night. In a spiked barb at the bloggers who did not have exciting musical careers in the fleshpots of Finchley,  Brian recognised that I have a life and better things to do. ( I was playing a gig with my band for the entertainment of the locals, an activity I enjoy far more than watching council debates.)

I have a great idea for Brian Coleman. As he is clearly finished as a serious politician, he could buy himself a set of maraca's and join the False Dot's (my band) as Barnet's rival to Bez the exotic dancer from the Happy Mondays. He could dress up in whatever he likes, shout as many insults at middle aged ladies as he see's fit and everyone would think it was just part of the show.

If truth be told, I quite enjoy Brian Coleman when he appears on the Ken Livingstone radio show on LBC. I think becoming the Barnet Bez could be the first step towards a television career. He'd be great on big brother and even better on I'm a celebrity, get me out of here, which he would surely win if there was an option to keep him in the jungle permanently.

Whilst Brian does perform a vital function in the Barnet Conservatives - he reminds us how truly horrible they really are - the time has come for him to move on to pastures new. Sadly having witnessed his prose first hand, I don't think his future lies in writing, given that despite a grammar school education, he is even less literate than I am and I'm dyslexic. I hear that Brian is actually a whizz on the dance floor and was highly envious of Peter Mandleson for his reputation for being a lothario on the dance floor. Sadly I don't think Brian will ever rival old snake hips, but I think the comedy Bez route would be the way to go. I am sure many people in Barnet, the fire brigade and the wider community would pay good money to watch that. In a private conversation, Councillor Richard Cornelius, the Leader of Barnet Council, informed me that "Brian can be lots of fun!" (who for he didn't specify).

I hear Paul Shea in the Discount Centre in Finchley High Road does ripe tomatoes at a decent price if you want to bring him a present.

As Bwian would say "Wodger, Wodger"

1 comment:

Morris Hickey said...

I had to take a second, and even third look at the date of this. On reading it seemed to relate to a date 164 days earlier.