Ten years ago today, I published a ten point plan for Brian Coleman to rebuild his shattered political career. Sadly for Brian, he didn't listen and now has a career as an LBC rent-a-gob when everyone else is busy. I got to thinking about disgraced health minister Matt Hancock. He went into the jungle to allegedly 'seek forgiveness'. As best I can see, beyond lining his pocket, he achieved very little. All he really managed to do was persuade the people of his constituency that he's not actually that interested in them.
But there is always hope. He could properly repent. Would it save him? I don't know but at least it would rehabilitate his public image.
If Matt Hancock did all of these things, we may well think a bit more highly of him. His #ImACelebrity time was all about rebuilding his 'brand' and his 'career'. The Conservative party has shown itself not only to be completely out of touch, but also unrepentent for all of the cock ups they've inflicted on the country in the last few years. Hancock could set an example. After the Profumo affair, John Profumo spent the rest of his days trying to attone for his failures. When he passed away, the obituary writers saw this as an important part of his legacy and he wasn't solely remembered for being a liar with a penchant for call girls. If that matters to Matt Hancock, there is a lesson to learn.
1. Own up to your sins, admit you were completely wrong and accept your punishment like a man with good grace. Announce that you will stand down at the next election as you have failed the people of your constituency and the UK.
2. Take the blame for the numerous cock ups your government made and commit the rest of your career to getting some sort of justice, compensation and closure for those who's lives you ruined.
3. Stop pretending that the mess in the UK is anyone elses fault other than the Conservatives.
4. Next time you want to raise awareness of dyslexia, ask some questions in the commons on the subject, which is your day job and what you are paid to do.
5. If you want to eat kangaroo penis, video yourself doing and stick it on a Just Giving page for the Dyslexia Association, rather than swanning off to Australia and lining your pocket.
6. If you want forgiveness from families who lost loved ones and couldn't mourn, man up, listen to what they have to say and represent them in the commons.
7. A lot of your mates made a hell of a lot of money out of flogging PPE, tell them to pay it back or you'll spill the beans properly on them.
8. The NHS is chronically understaffed and underfunded. As health secretary, you have culpability. Apologise for your complete and utter failure to address this in your time as a well paid minister.
9. Your ex colleagues in the Conservative party will spend the next two years lying about what a marvellous job they are doing and how much dosh they are putting into the NHS. You are uniquely placed to nail this lie. Do it.
10. Donate the £400,000 you grifted from ITV to the dyslexia charities you claimed you were supporting.
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