Friday, 12 October 2012

The Friday Joke (s) 12/10/2012

The Fried egg Joke

I usually try and cheer up my readers on a Friday with a joke. Last night at about 3am I awoke and for some unfathomable reason was thinking of the irony of the "One Barnet" program. There are many things about One Barnet, which actually mean it should be called "None Barnet". Here are a few reasons why:

After years of non cooperation with the club, Barnet have successfully outsourced our local club Barnet FC to the London Borough of Harrow. When the club move to the Hive in Edgware, will the supporters still chant "There's only One Barnet FC"

And what about when we ring the Barnet Council help line? We will presumably get through to a very helpful chappie in Bromley or Bermuda or Bangalore, undoubtedly to be treated to the usual bank helpline stilted chitchat "hello sir, the weather is good, did you enjoy Eastenders. Sorry we can't deal with that we'll have to  transfer you to another department"

And what about when we want to bury our dead granny? As cemetaries are being privatised, according to the Council to mimic Easyjet, how will that go? "Hello, yes you want to bury your grandmother. The basic plot is £1,000. Does she have any oversize luggage? Sorry we don't have an actual plot reservation system, so you'll have to just turn up with a shovel. Oh yes we can supply gravediggers, that will be an extra £500. Will you be filling in the hole yourself? Ok that will be an extra £500. Will you be carrying the coffin from the Church to the cemetary plot? Oh, if you want to bring a hearse into the cemetary that will be £200, plus and extra £50 for each extra car. We also have a CPZ in the graveyard, with pay by phone, so make sure your attendees have registered and paid for their parking slots. Oh and our attendents will be available for purpose of lottery scratchcards and beverages.

Of course there is one part of our Barnet which will carry on just the same. There is one bit which won't be outsourced. This is of course the Councillors. There are 63 of them. They all get allowances for a job, where the minimum requirement is to attend two meetings a year in exchange for an allowance of between £10,000 and £37,000 per annum, depending on which committees and posts you work on. Even though the Council is getting rid of everyone who actually does any work, there are no plans for a cut in the number of councillors or council allowances.
 Anyway, here is a real Friday  joke.

A man goes into a Cafe and orders a fried egg, two sausages and rasher of bacon. When it arrives, he gets up lies on the table, puts the two eggs over his eyes, the rasher of bacon over his mouth and the two sausages up his nose. He then just lies perfectly still.

After about two minutes, the cafe owner, rather perplexed at this behaviour says "excuse me sir, what are you doing". The man says nothing. The cafe owner gets more irate and asks again. Again the man ignores him. After the third attempt to get a response is ignored, the cafe owner, picks up the plate, removes the bacon from the mans mouth, the two sausages from the mans nose and the two eggs from the mans eyes.

He then shouts at him "right, I've had enough of you, get out". The man looks at him in a rather perplexed manner and says "but I haven't had my breakfast". The cafe owner says "look, I don't care, you come in here, lie on my table, put your food on your face and ignore me when I ask you what you are doing, I'm not having you in my cafe".

The man responds "well, I find your attitude most offensive, I won't be coming in this establishment again" and storms off.

A couple of minutes later, the cafe owner notices that the customer had dropped his wallet. He decides to do the decent thing and try and let him know. In the wallet he finds the mans home telephone number. He rings up and explains what happened to the mans wife. She apologises profusely and explains "I'm afraid my husband suffers from a little known conditition called "Jeremy Beadle syndrome". He believes his life is all part of an episode of Jeremy Beadle's "You've Been Framed" show. The Cafe Owner feels rather ashamed for his treatment of the poor unfortunate man. He apologises to the mans wife for his poor behaviour and asks if there is any way he can make amends.

She replies "Well, I'll send him back for his wallet. When he comes in, tell him that you thought the whole scene was hilarious and Jeremy Beadle had been in to have a laugh about it. The psychiatrist has advised that his frame of mind is so unstable that we cannot do anything to upset his fragile perception of reality". The cafe owner feels much better and agrees to play along.

Anyway, about half an hour later the man turns up for his wallet. The Cafe owner, on seeing him rushes out to greet him. He says "Oh sir, I must apologise for my behaviour. After you left, Jeremy Beadle came in and we had such a laugh about it". At this the man rared up and punched the cafe owner in the face. He then said "You bastard, are you trying to take the mickey. I'm from candid camera !".


Andrew Rush said...

I'm afraid that your fevered imaginings of Barnet's ability to relieve us of our cash are far from accurate! The cost of a plot for two at Hendon Cemetery is already £4,304 (£8,239 for a non-resident of Barnet). Digging a hole costs £519, and moving a stone from an existing grave for a second burial is £248. Truth is, I'm afraid, stranger than fiction!

Don't Call Me Dave said...

Outsourcing Barnet F.C.? Nothing to do with the last Labour Administration selling the freehold for £10,000 then?

Morris Hickey said...

DCMD - facts don't always suit either spin or obsession.