Monday, 12 November 2012

50 Sheds of Grey - Literature in Barnet special

I was supposed to write a blog about Robert Rams today, but failed miserably due a sudden and inexplicable inability to want to think about the man responsible for ensuring the maintenance of our cultural Heritage in Barnet.

Someone suggested to me that Cllr Rams was not a man with literary interests. Apparently this year the two hot topics for books are 1) Softcore S&M and 2) Garden design. As I need to urgently raise £430,000 to undo the damage Cllr Rams has done by shutting Friern Barnet Library (that's how much he wants for the freehold), I thought I'd combine the two, Here is the rough draft ! Maybe I can get Councillor Maureen Braun to write the endorsement, as she is the expert on sheds in Mill Hill, having one of the most magnificent examples in the Borough.

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

(actually these aren't my jokes, thanks to Alan Dickenson).
If you want to meet a real author, then why not go to Friern Barnet Peoples Library on Wednesday night for a  book signing with Will Self

Friern Barnet Peoples Library, 
Friern Barnet Road, 
N11 3DR

Date(s) - 14/11/2012
7:00 pm - 9:00 pm
Will Self will be signing copies of his latest novel, Umbrella, which is set in Friern Barnet and was shortlisted for the Man Booker Prize 2012.

Praise for Umbrella:
Umbrella is a magnificent celebration of modernist prose, an epic account of the first world war, a frightening investigation into the pathology of mental illness, and the first true occasion when Self’s ambition and talent have produced something of real cultural significance.” (The Spectator)
A “brilliant and original work” (Mark Lawson, The Guardian)
“A stunning novel” (David Evans, The Independent)

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