Sunday, 5 September 2010

Barnet Eye Weekly Round Up - The Finchley Fishwife strikes back

After all the fun of the Barnet Council Leadership battle, todays blog is a "Leadership Battle Freer Zone". There will be no mention of Lynne Hillan, Mark Shooter or the shenanigans of the war in the local Tory party. Instead we'll concentrate on all of the tittle tattle we've been neglecting recently, in and around the various Barnet blogs and the wider world.

Perhaps the most interesting conversation I had was with an esteemed journalist, who contacted me to ask my opinion, as a blogger, as to my views on the William Hague reaction to the blog rumours about his "relationship" with a rather handsome 25 year old aide. I think he was rather disappointed with my response. I told him if I was Hague I'd have just said "don't believe everything you read in blogs". Until Silly Billy made his statement, virtually no one knew what he had or hadn't been up to. If you don't want malicious bastards like me saying horrible things about you, then you are in the wrong job being a politician. Develop a thick skin. The only person Hague has to convince is his wife and he didn't need a statement to do that. When asked whether I thought William Hague should be foreign secretary I said "If you had your life savings to invest and you had the choice of three brokers to invest it, one is gay, one is bisexual and one is straight, which one would you choose". My esteemed friends said "Er, um, why". I replied "I'd choose the one who could get me the best rate of deal". Same with Hague doing the job.

Sadly my view didn't really make good copy, so there weren't national headlines saying "Rog T says". In fact no mention at all. 

As to the blogs of Barnet. For those of you who haven't heard of her, there is a rather good blog, written by a certain Mrs Angry. It seems she's attracted the ire of a certain Councillor Brian Coleman. Councillor Coleman has taken to referring to this esteemed member of the Finchley community as "The Finchley Fishwife". Rather amusingly, Brian Coleman has also used this term in the past to describe Dr Vanessa Gearson, Mike Freer's hatchetwoman (although never in the presence of Freer or Gearson). I suspect that if Brian Coleman manages to unite these two in a vindictive pact against him, he really could be in trouble. Mrs Angry has clearly been fantasing about Colemans demise in her latest blog. I don't exactly think Coleman is quite up there with Rasputin. The pickled penis of Rasputin is on display in a Russian museum. I doubt that we'll ever see Colemans chipolata on display in the Church Farm Museum any time soon.

Barnet's most esteemed political blog, Statler and Waldorf have been speculating as to which Councillors would be chopped when the number of Councillors is reduced from three to two. There are only two ways this could be implemented. Either at the next election, or by removing the candidate who got least votes at the last election. The idea that elected members could be shoved out on the whim of a few people in a smoky room is disgusting.

Mr Toads blog has caught esteemed Councillor Brian Coleman out, exposing a claim for travel expenses, when transport to and from a social event was provided free of charge. Brian Coleman earns over £124,000 per annum. How tight fisted is a man who earns such a huge sum, but still needs to fiddle his expenses to the tune of £19.44. It really is all rather sad.

As to the more traditional press. I got an excited phonecall from a correspondent asking whether I'd seen the story of a how a group of pensioners had been menaced by a deranged cow. In my excitement, I thought that the Times had finally decided to expose how Lynne Hillan was championing the sheltered housing cuts, her "pet project" since it's inception. Sadly this wasn't the case, it seems that a group of old dears were duffed up by a humpy heffer on a nice walk around the fields of Totteridge. It seems that the moo cows of Barnet are not too happy with harrassment at this time of the year, so if you see a fiesty fresian on the warpath, take care.

As to the Barnet Press. This seems to have stopped updating it's website. a quick trawl through the paper has an interesting story about a large quantity of "fake cannabis" being seized in Colindale. The substance in question is Hemp, which is closely related to Cannabis, but doesn't contain enough of the active ingredients to get you stoned. According to the police "A person could smoke a barn full of hemp and not get high". I do wonder if it is actually illegal to smoke hemp? The police tell us it only contains 0.3% THC, whilst the normal whacky baccy contains 20%. As there is a huge market for low alcohol drinks, maybe there is a market for low THC skunk weed. That way you would not feel left out, if all your mates are stoners, but not actually have to feel the effects of the weed. Personally, I think that the idea could be a real moneyspinner - money for old rope?

Perhaps one person who could benefit from low THC skunkweed is George Michael. The Ham & High reports that George has yet again been caught driving whilst stoned. I have a little bit of advice for George. Why don't you give William Hague a bell, I hear he has a former assistant who's looking for a job. I really think George, with all his millions, should consider getting a personal assistant who can drive. We'd all be a lot safer - although in George's defence, he tends to just fall asleep at traffic lights rather than actually mow people down. I have a little George Michael story which might amuse you. As many locals will know, George's parents used to own a local restaurant. In the early days of the False Dots, I took a girlfriend their for her birthday. I got chatting to George's dad and when he found out that I was in a band, he was really friendly. He told us that his son had hooked up with a brilliant musician and that he thought they would do great things. He said that George was painfully shy and he thought that being in a band would do him a power of good. The really talented musician - Andrew Ridgely. I often visited the restaurant and whenever I saw George's dad he was always extremely friendly and suggested I "get in touch with George" as he'd help us with our career. As the False Dots were an experimental punk rock underground band, I never took him up on his offer. We weren't really interested in the mainstream.  In 1985, I wrote a song called "It's raining outside" and recorded it with a mate of mine, Johnny Shillibeer - it was the first real pop song I'd written.

When I played it to friends, they all laughed that I'd finally decided to take George's dad up on his offer. I feel a bit sorry for George Michael as I sometimes think that all his money hasn't made him happy. Mind you if he didn't have the millions, he'd probably be just as miserable and skint as well.

Enjoy the weekend.

6 comments:

Mrs Angry said...

Hooray! I must be doing something right then ... the other thing that Vanessa Gearson and I have in common,apart from being Finchley fishwives, is that we went to the same school, St Michael's ... perhaps there is something about female Catholic education that gets under Brian's skin? Hope so, wouldn't want to think Mrs Angry's schooldays were entirely wasted. That reminds me, the SMOG reunion is coming up ...

Moaneybat said...

Mr Panayiotou always the perfect host. Wasn't the kit shop next door to the restaurant also the family business for a few yaers.

Rog T said...

Yes he was a nice guy

danfhope said...

@Mrs Angry, so now you're the first every banner carrying, woolly hat wearing, thermos carrying finchley fishwife.

Mrs Angry said...

that's me, Mr Hope, and the next time I see you you better hope I don't accidentally knock the contents of my thermos over your anatomically sensitive areas, boy ...

Mrs Angry said...

PS: of course I have outed myself as a fishwife as long ago as 11th July, in my Bastille Day tribute, but it is gratifying to know that Brian/Marie Antoinette is able to keep up, albeit at a very slow pace, bless'im ... wonder whose heads will roll tomorrow, citizens?